A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, Please advise. My Bf of 18 months moved recently ( not too far away) and he has been seeing me less and less. We had an argument and he left for two weeks, then came back breifly and I had it out with him then when I called him the next day , he was acting cold again, and then stopped taking my calls , except one where he was acting funny,and I told him I need closure if it is over, but he did not respond to me. This has been going on for around 6 weeks now. Less time spent togther, yet he won;t end it. I feel stuck and don;t understand his hot/ cold behaviour. Do I ask him again if it is over? I told him I need closure by email if he feels that way too? , but that I still love him, but he won;t say anything. Thanks x Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks aunty em,and so confused. I felt like crap this weekend. Really screwed up,and hurt,but hoping with each day it will get better. It.s got to be better than seeing him,and ending up maybe sleeping with him,and feeling even worse. I.m feeling lower than i thought i would. Just got to sit through it i guess.x
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 September 2012):
 Well done my lovely!!!
Stay strong, stay focussed...things will get better with each day that passes!!!
xxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 September 2012):
 hang in there OP.... it will get easier..
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok all. I did not see him to talk.am glad. X
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunty Em and So Confused. To be honest I am terrified of seeing him. Absoloutley sh***g bricks, as I have strong feelings for him, and have been totally devastated for the last few days. I woke up this morning feeling terrible .. totally gutted, and couldn;t really get it togther to go to work, and just about managed to drag myself in.... feeling like hell, and broke down in tears when I got in, and felt like hell when I spoke to him and after I spoke to him I felt like crap. it's like he won;t let it go , and I am TRYING SO HARD to let it go, and I told him I can;t stand the arguments at all. i am too scared to see him, as I don;t want to get weak again, and then he has me back to square one. the whole thing is making me feel physically sick when I think about it. I will avoid him. x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK. I get the message!! I was like .. freaked.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 September 2012):
...Oh, none of my business but if you do have sex with him and he goes cold again...believe me you are going to feel like a piece of hammerd sh*t...so go easy.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 September 2012):
I think you are going to see him despite any advice given here. I still think he has you on a back burner and is just making sure you stay put whilst he does whatever it is he is doing. Nothing inherently wrong with this if you just want to be his friend, but if the guy wanted a serious realtionship with you, he'd have let you know by now.
He's going to get what he wants because you are still clinging to hope that this is all going to work out, he knows it's your achilles heel and he is taking full advantage of the fact.
You might enjoy having some attention from him and being given the opportunity to try and talk him into a relationship again and again it's your call...it's hard to give up on someone when you love them so much, even if they do not love you back so you must do what you think is right for you.
We will be here to offer you support if the news is bad or to congratualte you if it all works out.
Good luck...and hugs xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 September 2012):
NO. NO NO NO NO NO!
Sorry that was my first response…. I’m calming down now… of course he wants to “be friends”
He doesn’t want to tell you what’s going on….
You asked if he’s seeing someone and he said NO…. do you believe him? Why did you ask? Why do you care? Does it matter?
DO NOT LET HIM IN YOU HOUSE… the next thing you know you will be posting on Monday
“well he came over to talk and one thing led to another and before I knew it he had sweet talked me right into bed”….
ONLY answer numbers you know.
DO NOT invite him over
DO NOT listen to him
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. Update.( after said text)..he called me today. I picked up.. I was not expecting it. He has now stated that eh 'wants to talk', and has said that he wants to be my freind ( Baby) and be able to call me up and have a decent conversation without an argument. I told him I also cannot stand the arguments. I asked him what had been going on, and he said he 'didn;t want to go into it' but all is ok. I aksed him if he was seeing someone else? he said no. he said that me and him really need to talk. I said I would think about it, and he said he wants to pop over and see me this weekend to talk. Am I to allow this 'talk? wtf?
...............................
A
male
reader, Jay2012  +, writes (21 September 2012):
eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
GOOD girl.
stay strong it will pass in a few weeks.. the weekend will be hard...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWill do!! :o) xx
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (19 September 2012):
He is playing at absolving himself of grief...nothing more.
Is he running back asking you to be his GF again???...nope
He just doesn't want to feel like a schmuck.
Ignore him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS - I don't know WTF her is playing at either.. and am freaked out, but I guess it doens;t matter. x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Gilrs. I will not fall for it. I have not responded, and wont; respond at all. WTF?? I was a buit surprised to say the least..... He has a cheek. I will walk and keep on walking. :o)xx
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2012):
I vote for not only ignore but block... makes it much easier...
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 September 2012):
 Ah, yes, no doubt he's doing a bit of easing his guilt by suggesting that you can continue being friends. If you must reply, I would suggest you simply say, "I'll let you know when I'm ready to be friends. For now, don't contact me at all, I'll call you when I feel it's time."
And then.... don't ever contact him. Pretty simple, really.
Or simply ignore him. I might feel a bit more in control though if I sent that last message. "Don't call me, I'll call you." And then ... cut him off. Clean, simple and surgical, you can continue your healing knowing you haven't been ambiguous about whether or not you want to hear from him.
I think if being in contact with him confuses you or causes you to be upset, why bother? I expect you have plenty of friends. Why do you need a neglectful, non-communicative friend? He falls into the category of "ex" and that's a different category altogether, but you don't need to spend any time explaining this to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 September 2012):
ABSOLUTELY DO NOT FALL FOR THE 'LET'S BE FRIENDS LINE'
He is just trying to dispel some of his guilt over ending things with you, becoming his friend will open the door just wide enough for him to salve his conscience and just narrow enough for you to hope of a reconcilliation...
It's the oldest trick in the book.
He has treated you badly and HE has ended it...you have taken the 'punches' DON'T allow him to come around again to stick the boot in just so he can feel better.
STAY STRONG or you could find yourself back to square one.
xxx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionupdate. He sent me a text this evening saying he 'still wants us to be freinds,and that he.s 'a little streesed out at the moment'. I am not going to respond. He should have thought about it before he ended it. I feel disturbed by it,but will continue my recovery. X
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 September 2012):
Ah you have your closure.
mourn the loss of what might have been had he been a different person.... and then get on with life...
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 September 2012):
Ok so at least you know it's over.
In your original post you said you guys were arguing a lot, so maybe it's that he can take no more of.
I am so sorry that you didn't get the outcome you wanted but now you have closure and can start the healing process and move on with your life.
xxx hugs
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. So here's what happend. I called him up. he siad 'why are you calling me and emailing me? it;s over. done!! I said WHY? and he sia dhe had tro go.
i called him back and asked why. he said he could not take anymore, was uspet and that itls come to a natural end, and that he could not take anymore. I said ' what have I done to upset you? and he said ; nothing!! you haven;t done anything wrong at all, I am just upset! Then the line went quiet and I could not hear him, and I told him so and he siad he would call me back..... ( what a pallarver...)
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk . he;s officially ended it.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 September 2012):
Don't feel bad about e-mailing him. We've all messed up and done things out of a sense of panic, sadness or desperation...it's a natural human reaction when we want to save something.
If you do hear from him then at least you will know.
If you don't hear from him, then assume that there is nothing more to be done and that you did all you could to save things.
As Tisha said 'Take back your power' I love this and it's so important.
He is treating you badly and there is a reason for that...he just won't give you the reason...(probably because he's moved on and can't face telling you)
So why hang around waiting for some more painful treatment??
Break free and don't contact him again.
Get yourself out of there
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 September 2012):
You haven't messed up. You deserve a real answer and have simply asked for one.
Why do you think you need to put up with the hot/cold behavior without an explanation?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've messed up big time haven;t i. I emailed and said I would apprciate a straight answer, as I am a but confused at the moment.
and that I would like to contiune.
Oh dear...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'vew already messed up by sending him three emails!! What to do now? I can't retract. Just end it in my onw head now I guess? OMG - what is he thinking now?
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 September 2012):
I had an LDR that wound up in a similar situation, I told him I needed an answer from him and would wait until he gave me one.
I then called a male friend for support and he told me that I was basically handing over all my power to the guy. He said it was better for me to set him a deadline and take back my power.
I spoke with Mr. LDR and said that as far as I was concerned, the relationship was over. I felt such relief, such a sense of getting back on track after having done so, it was amazing.
Turns out later Mr. LDR was busy getting back together with an ex and had no intention of cluing me into that important detail at the time. I was the back up plan, you see.
If I were you, I would stop waiting for 'closure' from him, as that may never happen. I would make my own 'closure' and break up with him. It may be what he wants, he may be a weak passive-aggressive sort of guy but he is not worthy of your waiting for 6 weeks for some sort of answer.
Take back your power, girl, you can do it. Be brave. It's a big step but you can do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe;s kind of leaving me in limbo and as an option?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks - but I have already emailed him just now!! I asked him if it was over and if he is seeing someone else/and that it is best to just say if he is, and that I don;t want to lose him, as I thnk alot of him. He has not respomnded I;ve messed up right??? Oh dear.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 September 2012):
Most men will avoid telling a woman that they want a relationship to end because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy. Many will just act weird and remote and 'hot and cold' so the woman will be forced to end things...
I think this is what may be happening in your case. You can ask for closure but he won't necessarilly give it.
The best thing to do now is to 'unstick' yourself, back way off and give eachother space and plenty of it.
He may not even be ready to end things but whatever is going on...he isn't ready to discuss it and forcing him will only make it much worse for you.
Resist contacting him and just focus on yourself for a while. If you really cannot stand being in limbo...you can always end it yourself, but I don't think you want that...you want him to make the cut and for now, he isn't ready to do so.
...............................
|
