A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:How can I deal with my insecurities and my constant fear that my girlfriend is cheating?I've previously been in three serious relationships, and in all three of them it either ended, or the relationship ended up damaged beyond repair, by the girl cheating on me. Now I'm with a fourth girl, and have been for over a year. I really do love her very much. I actually do feel there's serious long-term potential with her. But I also know that unless I can somehow deal with this insecurity, I will end up screwing things up somehow, and that alone adds to my fears.My girlfriend is VERY open and honest about her friendships, and has NEVER given me any indication or even a reason to suspect she is cheating in any way. But due to my insecurity based on the past three, I find myself sitting home terrified she is out cheating when even simple things happen, like, if she said she would call but then doesn't till the next morning, or if she has to cancel plans to do something together because of something. I have enough self-control to not outwardly show her that I have these fears, but they're there and I'm honestly getting tired of them.I tell myself every time I am alone and think she might be cheating that there's nothing that she's ever done to make me believe she's that kind of girl. But then that stupid "other voice" in my head says "yeah, but would she admit it if she were?" or "she might not be cheating TODAY, but if you ever get on her nerves enough, or if she doesn't want you but is afraid to admit it, or if she needed something you can't give her..." (that's the excuses my exes gave me for cheating)I feel now that my instincts are totally damaged, because the traditional "if you feel she might be cheating, she probably is" doesn't work anymore, because I ALWAYS seem to feel she might be cheating even when there's no reason to, and it's all based on past experiences.What can I do to start working through this and get over these horrible feelings that I suffer alone? I don't feel it's fair to ask my girlfriend to do anything like "Tell me where she is all the time" to try to assuage my fear because I know that it will only assuage it "for this time." I just need a way to target this "fear" head on and deal with it.Advice... ?
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (17 September 2012):
Since you thoughts seem to be irrational, you should consider therapy. You seem to be obsessing about something you consider not real. You say you have nothing to suspect her, at all. And you realize these feelings come from you past.
Let's say statistics are on your side. It would be very rare that having been cheated by your three previous girlfriends, you get cheated by the fourth. Unless you were doing something to make them cheat on you. Any way, if you were, you could know that with some therapy too.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 September 2012):
 Are you saying that in every one of your last three serious relationships, the girl cheated on you? All three? I ask because your wording was vague, that they "either ended OR were damaged by cheating".
If every one of your relationships ended by her cheating, then you must consider the type of person you are attracted to. It's kinda like some women who have a knack for getting with abusive men. You start seeing a pattern of what personality traits they are attracted to.
Nonetheless, your urges are to distrust, cling, try and keep tabs on her 24/7, constantly look for signs of cheating and smother the relationship by obsessing over it. Do the opposite of those urges. Find something else to occupy your thoughts and hobbies and actions.
Like the other male anon said - you're assured of nothing. Love is always a risk. Be confident in yourself, love her, and let her presence in your life make you a better man, and not an insecure obsessive one. Likewise, be secure in what you bring to the relationship. Your girlfriend must never be made to pay for or compensate for the past mistakes of your exes. She simply cannot and must not bear that pressure.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2012): If she's cheating on you, there's nothing you can do to stop it anyway so stop worrying about it and enjoy the time you spend together :)
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