A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my guy for three years now, living together for two years and we’re very, very happy (I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of rows we’ve had.) As the relationship’s working so well, and because we’re not getting any younger (both mid fifties) I think the time has come for us to get married; unfortunately he doesn’t agree. I don’t doubt his love and absolute commitment, but he dismisses marriage as being unnecessary, the old cliché that it’s just a piece of paper etc etc. Well call me traditional or downright old fashioned, but the whole ‘Public Statement of Intent’ thing actually matters to me. Believe me,I don’t want a big fancy wedding (I’d be more than happy just to go off quietly for a ceremony on our own, or even do it abroad whilst on holiday)this is simply about being married.He's the man I intend spending the rest of my life with and I want to do so as his wife. I cringe every time he introduces me as his girlfriend.....it sounds so juvenile and casual. If I’m honest, I feel cheated; my partner has all the advantages of having a wife without having to make it official. On top of holding down a full time job, I run the house, manage the finances, take care of our dog, shop for food, cook all the meals......as well as ‘performing’ in the bedroom. I think I deserve the respect of a wedding ring!Some friends say I should impose a sex and housework ban until he comes round to my way of thinking. Others tell me I should issue an ultimatum, marriage or I walk. Okay, either of those tactics would probably result in an offer of marriage- he’s totally aware of what a great thing he has going with me and how empty his life would be if he lost it. But I don’t want to blackmail him into a proposal.Any ideas?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): It does sound like he's onto a good thing with you apparently doing everything to meet his needs and him doing little to meet yours. The question for me is why would you want to marry him? There are plenty of men out there who would share the responsibility (bills, shopping etc) AND love you enough to want to be married to you. I suspect if you started asking him to pull his weight and treat you the way you deserve he wouldn't be around for long. Time to stop being a doormat!! Try assertiveness classes and don't sell yourself short. Women in their 50s are now cosidered a catch and you can do better.
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Yes, you can give him an ultimatum, but what will that really accomplish? You can't force him to do this. Is he also opposed to just signing the thing at city hall? Ultimately though, he probably just really doesn't want this, as much as you do. And you have to decide if it's worth leaving him over. The paper really doesn't mean anything. And you absolutely can't force him into it. He'll resent you for the rest of your time together. Have you had a real talk with him about this and how important it is to you?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 August 2010):
He won't marry you. Period. Your friends are very wrong to suggest that you stomp your feet in the ground and do nothing until he comes around. It won't work. If he doesn't believe in marriage, then nothing will change it. Even if you gave him the ultimatum, he wouldn't do it. He'd just tell you to take a walk. And even if he did marry you. What would it mean? It would mean that it was a desperate gesture that was forced upon him, and not a gesture of love. It would be worthless. You now need to be honest with him and VERY clear that you believe in marriage and want it. If he does not, and you're certain you want marriage, then this man is not the man for you and you need to leave.
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