A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together for a year and a half and during that time although he’s met my parents, he has deliberately engineered events to ensure that I’ve never met his mother – who only lives in the next street!We’re not yet living together but the old lady can’t possibly be ignorant of my existence. She pops round to her son’s often and must have noticed the clothes, make-up and other evidence of female presence; not to mention the fact that the place has started to benefit from a ‘woman’s touch’.He made no attempt to ‘hide’ me from his teenage daughter (who he absolutely adores) I was introduced to her from Day One, and we get-on brilliantly. In fact I love it when she comes to stay as we make for a very a happy, family-like trio.And yet when it comes to his mum I don’t officially exist.Whenever he needs to see his mum whilst I’m there, he goes alone. If we’ve been shopping and have picked up any groceries for her, for all we drive past her house on the way back, he’ll insist on dropping me off at his place first before doubling-back to deliver her shopping.At first when his daughter came for visits, he’d go with her when she went round to see her grandma – til he realised it got-my-goat to be left sitting alone in his house for entire afternoons. But rather than ask me to accompany them, he started sending his daughter on her own.I just don’t understand what’s going on.I know that he’s not ashamed of me – he couldn’t wait for me to meet his daughter and makes a point of introducing me to friends, work colleagues – anyone that we meet.And I know he’s not ashamed of his mother.From the pictures I’ve seen and information gleaned from his daughter, she appears to be a smart, intelligent, very independent and rather feisty old lady.So what’s going on?A friend theorises that it’s a possible case of ‘avoidance of censure’.As long as his mum hasn’t been officially informed that he has a lady in his life – she can’t interfere or pass comment. Perhaps in the past she’s given him earache about his personal life? With a failed marriage and at least one failed long-term-relationship behind him, it’s possible he just can’t face being questioned or lectured on his love life?I’ve tried talking to my partner on several occasions but it’s been a waste of time as he simply won’t acknowledge the issue, persisting in the self-delusion that it’s simply a case of no situation ever having arisen for his mother and I to meet. Which is true, because he perpetually manipulates events to ensure it doesn’t happen.I have no idea where to go from here, but the situation needs to be addressed (and soon) otherwise it’s going to pose some major problems.His 50th birthday is coming up so his daughter and I are planning a full day of doing celebratory things, culminating in a special dinner/party at his house. If his mum and I are not allowed to meet how is that going to be managed? Will I be expected to leave at some point so in order that the old lady can come round, or is she not to be invited (the woman who gave birth to him)? He can’t possibly not see his own mother on such a special day .Then there’s Christmas. Last year as we’d not been together very long, I was happy to spend the day with my family allowing him to be with his mother and daughter. But next Christmas we’ll be a strongly established couple so I expect us to spend the day together – either my son and I going to his place, or he and his family coming to mine.But once again, how does that happen if his mum and I are not allowed to meet?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): I have known my partner for over 20 years and have never met his mother. We separated for a while and went on and I had two children for a previous relationship. we rekindled and had our own. Still no mum. My biological mother passed away recently and he did not meet her and he has not spoken to me all christmas. I did feel a little embarassed of my own mother not having been brought up with her and her lifestyle but I can not understand his problem. reading the responses is making me think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Hahahaha....... LOL.....
There's nothing wrong with his mother, it's him that's got the problem.... will wonders never cease.....
I wonder what she told you that makes you want to walk out... Pyschiatric problems... now thats a big deal. But his mother and daughter love him and protect him. He must have something about him to love. You sure you want to finish... I mean he must have some good qualities for two women to love him so much. Anyway take care of you.
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male
reader, WastedLife  +, writes (4 June 2008):
An important part of being one's lover/partner/wife is being there for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, including being nurse/mother/confidante, etc., at least some of the time.
It's easy to be in relationship when everything is perfect - it shows one's mettle when the going gets dicey. True love is permanent and not about ego, even if you separate. It's just something to think about. Some people have an inhibition gene that causes them to go in circles socially, trying to avoid conflict. If you are really bothered by this, see a counselor together and get things out in the open. At least be compassionate. Good luck to both of you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): Well...
It really is your decision. It just sounds odd.
I mean, you're not even trying to work things out and confront him with his delusions. You're just like "Oh! I found a problem, so I'm leaving him BUT I'm not going to tell him why; I'm going to let him think that it's a fight that broke us up."
It all sounds immature, to be frank. But, I guess that really does mean that you're not ready to be in a relationship. Likely not with anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI finally got to meet his mother last week.I'm not normally there daytime during the week, but I'd taken a day off work and gone over to his house (with his full knowledge and permission) in order to sort out a few things. So there I was busy doing things, when I hear a key in the lock, the door opens and a little old lady walks in. To cut a long story short, after a little awkwardness we sat down to talk........and didn't stop for two whole hours.She's a brilliant person with a marvellous sense of humour. She'd known for a long while that I was semi-resident in her son's house....having seen my clothes and make up in the bedroom she'd concluded that he'd either started cross-dressing or got himself a girlfriend!But..........when (on three separate occasions) she'd asked him the question "Is there a woman in your life" he denied I existed, claiming the clothes and make-up belonged to his daughter........who backed him up in this duplicity.I asked the old lady if she had any idea why he would so blatently lie and she offered anecdotal evidence of other occasions when he's behaved in a similar bizarre fashion. The man is a fantasist.His mum and I also swapped stories of incidents when he's behaved quite awfully toward people (ourselves included). And when I tentatively suggested that perhaps he has a psychiatric disorder, she agreed wholeheartedly - adding that although she loves him (he's her son) she often really finds it difficult to like him.Shortly afterward he came home and found us sitting chatting like old friends....and appeared delighted!He's since done all in his power to throw us together - taking us both out to lunch, suggesting we do 'woman' things together.....it's too bizarre for words.I'm going to call off the relationship.Not only is the man a liar he has some deep-rooted personality disorder. And that's not what I want in my life, I want to be someone's lover/partner/wife, not their psychiatric nurse.But I'm not going to break-up with him immediately as I don't want that fantastic lady, his mum to get the blame for this. Once everything has died-down and he thinks I've forgotten the terrible way that he behaved, I'm going to walk. The first time he steps out of line (which won't take long given his level of insensitivity) I'm out of there.Which is in some ways a pity as I'm really going to miss his mother.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Is he divorsed? Maybe this is something his family frowns on. That could be the reason for not having you around his daughter. Maybe his mother adored his first wife or is the reason they broke up. Something is going on in that family you should just plain ask him whats up with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): That seemed sort of like a rant.Why don't you just ask him to introduce you two? I would give him an ultimatum, and say that either he formally meet each other, or you go over there alone.The party is a neat idea...but has she never wanted to see you? Never asked of you or anything? You said your presence is in the house.....If I were his mother I would be curious.This all sounds quite suspicious. If I were you, I'd prepare for the worst.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Stop worrying about it...I am reading fire-breathing dragon for 'feisty old lady'. It sounds like he maybe doing you a favour...maybe she has passed comment on his ex's. There is a difference between being ashamed of someone and knowing that it is best for everyone concerned that paths don't meet. I had an ex who I probably would have married had his mother not been such a nightmare in-law...Hyncinth Bucket on speed!!! My husband didn't meet my parents until we were married for two years because there was a huge family bust up and my mother is another 'feisty' type sticking her beak into everyone else's business at any opportunity. He didn't meet my brother until this year (4 years post-marriage) because we don't get on and I thought they would end up in a slanging match.
I wouldn't worry about it, take a relaxed attitude that you will probably meet her someday and if you are happy in the relationship then sit back and enjoy...your man sounds like he is being protective and that isn't a bad thing!
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male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (14 May 2008):
There is obviously some avoidance here. Family secrets. It may well be that his mother goes off on women and tells them they are sluts and harlots and to stay away from her son, etc. She may well be a closet drunk and socially shy and can't deal with other than family. She may actually be dangerous. She may have some infirmity and doesn't want that known outside the family. I have seen all of these conditions - especially among English families(no disrespect, it's my background). In many cases, including my own, respecting a mother means not bringing strangers to her house - ever.
He may also have never told here about a previous divorce - very shameful in some cultures, and figured he would just let things be until she eventually died.
The bigger problem is how to cope. If you two were getting married soon, that would be one thing. If not, just let her get older, why does it matter? It's quite likely she won't go to the party, but it's worth asking. You two need to get more trusting so he can let down his hair emotionally and explain where his mother is coming from. He may well have leftover trauma from when his mother wrecked a previous relationship, or several. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): The gramdmother is smart, intelligent, independent and feisty woman you say. She sounds like quiet a handful. I gotta admit I think he's trying to protect you from a very strong willed woman. Maybe she has a habit of breaking up his relationships, in the hope that he will go back to ex-partner. To a granddaughter, she might be a wonderful exciting lady, to your boyfriend she might be an interfering old bat.
You've been together for a year and a half you say. You've met his friends and spend time with his daughter. Thats a seal of approval to me. You can't talk to him because he dosen't see the issue. How confident are you about this relationship, how brave are you. Take the bull by the horns. If he hasn't told you to your face not to see his mother then ask him outright for her telephone number. Arrange an appointment to meet. Problem solved. You wanna talk to his mother, you want to meet her, if he's got a problem with it he's gonna have to tell you why.
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