A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife cheated on me while we were dating. I forgaveand forgot and we got married two years later. After we were married about 3 years she did it again with someone else (about a year ago). She came forward and appologised and asked for one last chance to prove herself. I agreed, but now I find her writing short stories and poems based on these encounters with other men. I read them and got really upset and shaky. I am not sure what her writing these means or what I can do to get over it and not throw it in her face again. Ideas? suggestions?
View related questions:
cheated on me Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2008): Welcome to the feminization of the United states. My X of 3 years, and an x for 3 days hasn't worked in 2 years, but she has 2k worth of tattos (my treat), destroyed my house that I just bought after 20 years of saving, says I shake her hand like a girl (like I was taught, and she is a girl), and gained 60lbs , and says I hate her cuz she's fat, and said I'll never be the man her dad is. If you are a working class white male in the U.S. your done, aside for paying the bills and the taxes.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): I know what you are going through as my Girlfriend cheated on me while we were dating. now married 20 years. In short I forgave her and after we got married there were some issues of her cheating that I just needed to know more about. through many months of long talks and trust, she explained to me several things. what she needed in sex to make her totally satisfied. some of the things that was lacking in our bed. but the biggest thing was is that she was not a virgin when we started to date and her one previous sex partner was very well endowed and no one else has ever been able to satisfy her completly after being with him. I was hurt to know it but the truth is the truth. she said I simlpy could not give her the pleasure that she so badly needed. after alot of research, some girls have epicenter orgasms. and they can only be achieved by being stimulated deep enough to make it happen. I fell short of the ability to do this. I believe your wife might be dreaming and maybe even a bit depressed about needing to feel something that you might not be able to give her. so she might well be using them poems to enjoy old memories of a phyicial sensation. I am sure she does not want to hurt you and cheating hurts you both. the alturnitive is to trust her love for you enough that you could allow her to have a sexual partner that can take her to highs that you might not be able to give her.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (15 May 2008):
 Anonymous, one thing I don't understand is how you found these poems and stories. Did your wife give them to you voluntarily? Did you find them stowed away in a secret place? Did she publish them and a friend brought them to your attention? What is her attitude? Defensive? Asking for sympathy? Asking for understanding? Proud of her literary efforts?
Also, what kinds of poems/stories are these? Sentimental? Romantic? Dry? Pornographic? Are they a celebration of her sensuality, wistful reflections on life, lessons learned, matter-of-fact narratives, or something else again?
It is quite possible that she doesn't realise how hurtful it is to you that her past acts of betrayal can be turned into something so romantic as a poem or story. She may see it in a completely different light.
I have some experience in this, although only very minor. My first girlfriend used to write poems and stories when she was young (teens and early twenties). Once I looked in her stuff (a definite no-no) and found a short passage she wrote at a time when she was sleeping around. It wasn't great literature and certainly wasn't explicit (it likened the guys around her to "tongues of flame lapping around her" or something like that). But since I was in a hypersensitive state it pierced me to the heart to read these things. Now I think I could deal with it. It was her -- a person independent of my existence, with her own thoughts and feelings and sense of life, who had chosen to devote herself to me. I shouldn't have regarded the fact that she had her own emotional life as a threat to me and our relationship. Instead, I should have celebrated the fact that she expressed her feelings in this way. It's really quite something when you think of it.
The act of literary expression isn't necessarily tied to social relationships. It isn't written to be "nice to people". It's an expression of what's inside, a crystallisation of experience. These poems and stories may be a window into what your wife felt about her experiences. They may present you with an oblique opportunity to peer into her emotional life, perhaps into her soul, and if she specifically allowed you to read them, that may be the spirit in which she's offering them to you.
Of course, much of this can only be surmise since I don't know exactly the circumstances in which you got to read these poems/stories.
I hope that you can work through this with your wife and find a way to overcome the hurt.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Go ahead and ask her about her "works of art". See how she explains them. But if her explanation doesn't jell with you I think you have every right to demand she stops writing about her past lovers and their escapades together. This last chance should be on your terms and your terms only. She owes you this.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (14 May 2008):
OK, eyeswideopen, I understand your point!
I was merely trying to present the matter in a different light. I understand that anonymous is feeling extremely upset by these poems and stories. My point was that he could look at them from a completely different angle, by embracing them rather than rejecting them. They could be seen as part of who his wife is rather than a cancer to be cut out. If a totally different perspective can allow him to defuse his hurt, then it may be a useful way of looking at it.
I agree with Susan Strict. He should ask his wife about her writing.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2008):
Bull crap, you've done plenty to keep this marriage going, time for her to step up to the plate if she wants it to survive. Let her do the understanding this time and cut out the stupid story writing. She can find her "muse" elsewhere OR ELSE.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (14 May 2008):
I don't know how good her poetry and stories are, but people who are driven to write use their own experience as raw material.
For her, these relationships may be valuable emotional raw material. It doesn't necessarily mean she loves the men, but the emotions and experiences are finding expression in poetry and stories, providing some kind of outlet for her. It doesn't necessarily mean that she is dissatisfied with you or that she is trying to hurt you. Perhaps you should accept your wife for what she is, and accept that these experiences have in some way aroused the Muse in her.
If she ever wins the Nobel Prize, you may appear in the history books as the husband who "didn't understand"!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2008): Ask yourself one thing why are you with this woman?If the answer is you love her, make a list of what you love about her.It seems more like dependancy than anything.How do you feel about yourself, good, inadequate?How did you feel about yourself before you met her?Why can't you assert yourself over the poem issue?Do you ever get your needs met or are you to busy trying to please her, for fear of her cheating again?I don't think sitting down and talking about these poems is an option, its paramount to having to listen to the gorey details of her affairs, it already makes you shake and further investigation could end up bringing on a bout of depression or mental problems, certainly it will mess your head up so steer clear.I think its ultimatum time. This woman has pushed you far enough. Read up on assertiveness and confront her.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2008):
Baloney, if what she is doing is causing you pain and discomfort, she should stop it. Pure and simple. I think you have done more than your share of understanding by just allowing her to have another chance. Tell her to knock it off.
...............................
A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Very judgmental, Jitter Cakes?
You should start by asking her about the writing. If she has an over-active imagination, like me, then writing may be a wonderful way to get it out of her system without being unfaithful.
What does she do with the writing? Presumably she doesn't send it to those men?
Does she mention them by name? You say "based on these encounters with other men" - are you sure? How much is "based on" an account of actual events or, perhaps, a grain of truth on which to base a wild fantasy? You need to know more clearly what's in her mind and why she is writing like this.
This might not be at all bad. If she has the urge to put down her fantasies on paper then the chances are that she really isn't considering doing any of it. So maybe, just maybe, it can be turned to enhance your relationship, not damage it. If my guess is right and it's her imagination that needs stimulating and her outlet is this writing, ask her to write a fantasy that involves you and her. She may put down in a story far more than you and she would ever have spoken or asked of each other, and bring you closer than you ever dreamed possible.
But first you need to find out just why she is doing the writing - and do that with an open mind.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (14 May 2008):
Buddy you are the one getting something thrown in YOUR face. Tell her to knock this crap off or you'll show her the door. If she doesn't then do it.
...............................
|
