A
female
age
,
*allybowles
writes:I have been dating a guy for 18 months. We dated over 25 years ago and have re-connected after he split from his wife. He is going through a property settlement with her (they are not divorced) and it will be long and protracted as it is worth a lot of money and is very involved. She is living in the house while he is renting a unit. She lives there with a child of the marriage. He pays all outgoings on the property plus college fees, health care and pays spousal maintenance and child maintenance of $500 per week. (it's like they are still married) When we first starting dating he used to take me out for dinner sometimes and he would pay. I pay for half of everything otherwise (holidays, dates, concert tickets etc) Lately he has stopped taking me out. He cooks for me but doesn't take me out except to family functions. The other day he took his daughter out and bought her a $400 dress for her formal. He pays for her phone bills and gives her loads of spending money on top of the maintenance. His ex-wife is an alcoholic and smokes heavily so her money goes on that I guess. I am feeling like I am the third wheel here. Am I wrong to feel resentment that he doesn't spend on me at all or is this ok? My friends seem to think he is a bit cheap. He is nice to me and we get on well but this does annoy me and I don't want to be used as I tend to be soft. He says he won't get a divorce until the property settlement. This could take years. Should I stay or go?
View related questions:
alcoholic, cheap, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, money, smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sallybowles +, writes (2 June 2011):
sallybowles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast poster 1/6 I understand that alcoholism is an illness. I am sure we all know people with addictions/illnesses or whatever you want to call them. When an addiction becomes a problem is when the person who has the problem refuses to acknowledge they have a problem, take no responsibility for same and refuse to help themselves or be helped. That is when an "illness" becomes a "liability" to everyone around them - their spouses, their families and friends. This woman has alienated her husband, her children and her family and friends through her cruel physical and mental abuse and yet she claims she has "no problem" that it is "everyone else". So "contempt" - no I do not feel that "sorry for" no I do not feel that either. "Frustration" would be a better term. If you have ever been on the receiving end verbally or physically from an "addict" it is not a pretty site. Sure, you can forgive them the odd occasion but when there is never an apology forthcoming or any responsibility take for their behaviour, it becomes wearing after years and years of it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): To the OP and the last Anon person: instead of getting into a war of words, respectfully disagree.
I just want to point out to the OP that if his wife is an alcoholic then it is a sickness and she cannot help herself. I am hoping she gets appropriate treatment. You seem to have "contempt" for his wife? Why? If u want to cement your place as his new partner I think u need a change in attitude as well.
You need to realise that this man is still a married man. When everything is said and done He is Married and that is the crux of the matter.
OP you seem to jump to defend this man at every instant, if he really worth it.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, sallybowles +, writes (1 June 2011):
sallybowles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous posted 31/5 maybe you should read the question and all the extra information I put down before you start mouthing off. I know that his daughter should always come first. I didn't imply she shouldn't. I was pointing out that he paid his ex-wife an extroadinary amount of money as maintenance and has given her the use of the house with ALL expenses paid until it is sold, so was I being unreasonable in asking to be treated out for dinner once in a while. He has left his wife. He left her over 18 months ago and she was the one who wanted to end the marriage. She is an abusive alcoholic and all he wanted was to be a family man and he worked hard all his life to provide that until she decided to take him to the cleaners so she never had to work again and just lives the high life (she boasts about it to people all the time). Please don't make judgments until you read the question properly and the added information as well.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Hi
Money is not the issue here surely? is this what you want from him ? because his money has nothing to do with you, or how he spends it, and if he see's you trying to win brownie points for this you will NEVER win. His daughter will and always come first, and anyone suggesting other wise are insane. He obviously values his daughter and bloody good for him, his bed is not even cold yet and you want to warm it. shallow or what. Try finding a man who isn't going through a mid life crisis, that way you will get what you want!!! He wontleave his wife, he has too much at stake here, your just the appetizer to his loins.
...............................
A
female
reader, sallybowles +, writes (31 May 2011):
sallybowles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you all for your varied answers. I will endeavour to sit down and talk with my partner and try to get him to understand my feelings. He has a lot of good qualities and I think he is worth hanging in there for. It is always good to get other people's opionions, think about them, weigh up the pros and cons and then ultimately make a decision that is right for me. :)
...............................
A
female
reader, svf +, writes (26 May 2011):
 Hello Sallybowles, I just read your follow up and it moved me so much I had to write another reply. I don't like you being in tears... x But I really feel for you so much right now... Talk to him on the weekend, and hopefully he will see things from your point of view? I can see that you understand what parenting is all about (being a mother yourself) so you are not asking for too much. You have a really wonderful, positive outlook on life, and I hope he can pull up his socks. You deserve to be happy, loved and treated like a queen, you have been through enough of your own to deserve it at this stage in your life.I think the problem with some men in this situation is that they get so set in their way's and are too scared to 'rock the boat' that they don't give their new loves enough TLC - when it is just as important as the love and respect they show to their children - and should not be showing up in such quantity (financially in this case) to their exes.I really hope (and am sure he can juggle things financially) for a fairer outcome to you and also to make sure that his child is looked after, but to not hand over so much to her mother who is his ex and should be able to take care of herself by now. His daughter is older, so his wife is not tied to the home working school hours. I think that is a justifiable point for you, you are not just a stand in until things get better, you love him and are his partner NOW and have been for some time. You deserve to have a life to be lived with him as an equal, not until he can get his act together while you look after him. Ask him to please treat you the way he used to, as no one wants to feel like they are being taken for granted.Sammy xx
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): I already answered, but I want to add something.
A another poster suggested you should come before his daughter?
No sweetie. His first obligation is his child. She comes first. When/IF you become a WIFE...then you have the top shelf.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): My situation might give you another perspective. I was married for 18 years and I am still legally married. I live in the house my ex and I bought together and raise our two kids in this home. He only pays for the house payment. I get NO OTHER support. I provide all the other expenses regarding daily life. He provides medical and dental care (paid completely for free from his government job-so its not an expense for him).He does buy them incidental things for "fun", but he is notoriously cheap. He is quite foolish with his money in general. We have NOT completed our financial settlement yet for the following reasons.1-The housing market in our area is incredibly depressed. NO homes are selling. Not even the NEW ones. Our home is 18 years old, needs some improvements (none of which he is willing to provide or contribute to) and several homes are foreclosed (abandoned and now the bank owns them back!)2-We only owe a little bit more on the rest of the mortgage. We agreed to let the economy recover a little first, then sell the house. 3-My ex pays the mortgage bill. I pay EVERYTHING else.4-My ex decided right before our court date to finalize the divorce that he wants me to buy him out of the house or he wont complete the divorce.5-My ex stole 20,000 dollars from a mutual bank account to live off of, anticipating a huge settlement from the sale of the house. I told him that I could forgive that debt if he wants to sign the house over to me.Currently, the law is on my side and determined that I can live in the house until BOTH of our children are 18. That means FIVE more years at the most.I have spent THOUSANDS and thousands of dollars in legal fees trying to settle this. HE refuses to settle.One thing I learned from a common friend was that he is stalling the divorce for several reasons. First, it impacts him HUGELY in his finances. If he finalizes the divorce, he has to make a financial settlement with me regarding the money he stole. He will not gain from our divorce, he will LOSE.Second, it means that he will have to answer to the woman he is "dating" for a more serious relationship. Guess what? He doesn't want one. He wants someone to bitch and whine to, have sex with, and cook him dinner once in awhile. He needs and wants the attention and the validation that his exwife is a selfish bitch. Luckily, the friend knows me better!Yes! You have every right to be resentful! He isn't being responsible. He isn't being a good boyfriend to you. He is not meeting your needs/giving you attention. Those are GOOD and reasonable things to want from a boyfriend! Yet, you are with someone who has unfinished business, kids and probably lots of resentments to his exwife! Keep in mind that unless you personally know her, you are only hearing one side of the story. They BOTH probably had VERY good reasons to end the relationship.My suggestion-pull out and find a relationship with someone who is completely ready to have one!
...............................
A
female
reader, sallybowles +, writes (26 May 2011):
sallybowles is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for everyone's input. I see value in all of the answers. I am a person who is not good with confrontation and I actually cried reading these answers as they all hit a nerve. I am seeing my partner this weekend and I will try to talk to him as honestly as I can without coming across as aggressive. I know he loves me but I don't deep in my heart think he loves me enough to want to spoil me a little so I guess I will have to let it go if he doesn't understand where I am coming from. I feel he still feels loyalty to his wife even though she was very abusive to him during the marriage through her drinking (I have heard this from friends and family of his not just from him) and for that reason I was not saying much as I thought he nedded some tlc but now I feel like he is so comfortable with me that he feel he doesn't need to make an effort. I totally understand his devotion to his daughter and I would much rather him spoil her than neglect her. I am the same with my son. I don't want to marry or live with him but think he could be a bit more committed to me that's all. Sigh. :(
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): It is understandable that he would want to protect what resources he has if he thinks he is hemorrhaging money. Not to mention the price he has to pay to keep the peace with his family.And it's certainly reasonable for you to enjoy a life you have worked hard to earn, and not to want settle for whatever is left over.Which is why you're better off seeking out someone whose affairs are already in order, instead of someone in the middle of a big mess.
...............................
A
female
reader, svf +, writes (26 May 2011):
It sounds so very, very tough and unfair right now for you.I went through a similar situation as yours back in 1995 and the divorce was pretty nasty, but the property settlement did come first I seem to recall, but it was all managed within 2 1/2 years, and that was because my partner was working on things to get things moving. If your boyfriend is taking this long to get a property settlement going what has he got to show for it? Has he visited solicitors, had valuations drawn up?I know that back in 1995/1996 my husband (now ex) was paying $2500 per month in child support (a lot of money) but that is the law and he must pay for his children. However, I am not sure about health insurance and paying for the wife? No doubt - you are justifiably pissed off! And, he is renting, so it must be hard for you financially.I do recall we were very hard up financially as we were paying rent and in fact, I had to support him for awhile until the property settlement came through - I think a year or so... He didn't get much by the way, that was the law back then, the wife stayed in the house with the children and the husband had to work even harder.I still believe that the children should be looked after however. It is just the extras that add up, like presents for the kids, outings etc. However, his first commitment must be to his children and parents will always want to spend money on their children. But he must make an effort to balance out his finances, he has a life to. So yes he can give money to his daughter, but he must leave some over for you to be able to take you out to dinner, as it does appear as if he is still paying for his wife.I don't know if the law has changed that much in Australia since then. I understand the divorce courts in this country and it must be so frustrating for you.I really hope it doesn't take much much longer. If you feel that it is just too much for you, you may need to think seriously about finding someone who has already got his baggage sorted out? I know it's hard, but I can honestly say, 15 years ago was one of the hardest times of my life and I would never do it again. Being a step mother at 22 (24 by the time we married) to 4 children aged between 17-G, 13-B, 11-B and 7-G who all hated my guts was bloody hard work. Particularly the 7 year old 'baby' girl who made my life pretty hard for the first 4 years ... gggrrrr.My life is much happier now, I have an 8 year old daugher of my own and another one on the way. Make your own life so you don't have the financial duress, the emotional baggage and you know that YOU are the complete focus of this man's life, so that YOU are the one being taken out for dinner and being looked after.If you think you can handle this relationship, then I wish you complete success, love and happiness in this world. It is always complicated when there is property and children involved, but I think he needs to make an effort to lighten his financial load - soon. x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Why don't you speak with him about the inequity of the situation. Cetainly you rank higher than his daughter. I think you do. He is spending good money on her that would better be spent on you.Talking helps.Hope this does too.AMAL.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 HI
this could be one of two things.
1) HIS TELLING THE TRUTH, AND OF COURSE HE WILL SPEND HIS MONEY ON HIS CHILD. MAKING YOU A MEAL IS MORE EFFECTIONATE THAN GOING OUT FOR ONE. INSTEAD OF THINKING WOW HIS CHEEP, WHY NOT THINK WOW HIS MAKING ME A MEAL, THATS SO ROMANTIC!! AND WHAT EVER HIS WIFE OR SOON TO BE EX WIFE SPENDS HER MONEY ON IS QUITE FRANKLY NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS. HIS OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BE UNDER A LOT OF STRESS, AND WOULD NEED YOU BY HIS SIDE, NOT STABBING A THORN IN IT.
OR
2) HIS A LYING CHEATING SCUM BAG, WHO WANTS HIS CAKE AND EAT IT......SIMPLE AS. IN WHICH CASE YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT DO YOU? IM GUESSING THOUGH, IT'S MORE OF A NUMBER 2) THAN 1) AND WOULD MOVE ON, AND LET HIM GET ON WITH IT.
X
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Should you stay? Or should you go? These outcomes will be based on what you want out of life. Do you want marriage? Staying with him is a high risk and each passing year it will get harder and harder to find a man. You'll have no guarantees with the man you are currently with and at the end of a few years, he may decide not to marry you or he may not want to remarry. Have you asked him and asked him for a time line? A few years sounds very vague and men are vague when they don't want to tell you something you don't want to hear. As far as the money, get used to it because that's what he'll owe every week and not much left over for anything else and his kids will always come first. Accept it or move on.
...............................
|
