A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend to death he means every thing to me. Today we got in to a hugh argument. It was over some thing so small. I gave my opinion and he got so mad said I was stupid and called me other names so I stood up and told him i was done and I was leaving then he said I dont care do what you want. So I walked over to him and smacked him in the face. Then I grabbed my things and told him i was done and he could go tell all his friends. Then I walked out and left. I dont know why I got so angry its like whenever he says anything I dont like I blow up but I also feel like he dosent ever let me have an opinion on anything with out getting mad at me and thats not fair i should be able to have a voice in our relationship. Im starting to think we either need to go to counseling or break up because I feel things will only get worse if we stay like this and I dont know what to do anymore. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a couple of decades and I didn't even realize how bad it really was and how warped my mind became.I bought this book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. That book saved me. Buy it right now so that you are prepared and will see the signs of emotional abuse if you enter into another relationship.Yes, do get counseling for yourself regarding anger control. I KNOW how angry one can get from the abuse.The best therapy for me, was to go out in my garage and smack pillows around and scream and yell. Fortunately, I lived in the country and was able to do that so my neighbors never heard me. But, I was able to let off steam that way. Another thing I did was go for a drive, I mean looong drives and scream and yell that way. Driving calmed me down for some reason. I just let all the anger and frustration out in that way. It was a good release. Still be careful driving. I would go on country roads without all the traffic to deal with. If he is calling you names, you need to get out of this relationship. It will only escalate as it all ready has. PLEASE just move on from this relationship, get help and LEARN from this.I've been there so I totally get where you are coming from.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): A tiny argument resulted in a huge, abusive blow up? You should have left as soon as this happened a second or third time.
You need to get anger management because hitting is NEVER okay if you are not being hit. He emotionally abused you, so you leave and never return, you do not become physical. You hit him, what if he had shoved you back and you hit your head? You couldn't have complained because you hit him first.
You can't get violent when someone doesn't let you have an opinion; you just suck it up or leave, rather than allowing either of you to make a big scene of it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 April 2014):
 OP, what if the situation was reversed? What if you contradicted him, and instead of calling you names, he walked up to you and slapped you hard across the face and told you he was leaving?? I'm guessing you'd be calling the police and getting him arrested for domestic assault, and all of your friends would see the black eye (or fat lip or bruised jaw), expressed their horror towards this man, and he would have had that on his permanent criminal record if you had chosen to press charges on him.
No fight, no name calling, no anger, nothing is worth retaliating with physical violence. You had the power to say everything you said, that it was over and to walk out, but instead you committed physical abuse. There is no such license for women to hit men, no matter what kind of double standard exists on soap operas and reality TV.
If you walked out and are done, and he hasn't changed his ways, then you should be done. You need desperately to go into anger management, and the thought that your unrestrained anger can cause you to commit assault should terrify you. What if it was 5 years later, and you found he perfect guy, got married and had a child who turned out to be strong-willed? What will become of your temper then when toddlers test us like they do? Will you haul off and hit the toddler? Don't even say that you wouldn't, because if you have a taste for hitting people who piss you off and can't control your temper, then no way can you rely on what you think you would do.
You need to end this relationship, and go in for professional help. Never justify violence.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 OP, no one can stop you from forming an opinion and unless one is prepared to tie you up and gag you, no one can stop you from voicing it. They can only give you an incentive not to voice it or choose not to listen to it. Whether it was fair or not, your boyfriend has the right to choose to listen or not listen.
You had no right to hit him and the fact that you're a woman makes what you did no less grievous.
I'd consider this relationship over and it should probably be left that way. However I do think you should check that link Tisha provided you with and learn to handle conflict more effectively in the future.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 April 2014):
 You are in the US so I have found you the hotline's information. http://www.thehotline.org or call 1-800-799-7233
or they have online chat available: Hotline Advocates are available to chat Monday to Friday 9AM—7PM CST.
Discuss the situation and his actions and your actions with the trained counselor and determine the healthiest course of action.
Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): You need to break up. OP once violence of any kind enters a relationship then that relationship becomes one based on abuse. I don't care how angry you got or what he did to set you off, this relationship is now one with domestic violence in it.
Is that who you are? Is that who you want to be?
OP calling names is emotional abuse, hitting him is physical abuse you can talk as much shit as you want about how much you love him or that he's your everything. You hit and he's abused you too.
Counselling isn't going to fix that and if it was to have any chance of fixing it, the counsellor would need you and he to separate anyway to work on yourselves before advising you get back together.
OP if you argue about something tiny and it erupts in abusive name calling and violence then you clearly do not work at all.
Now you're not going to break up with him, he's your "everything" and you're probably the emotional type who thinks love conquers all, but it doesn't. Violence has to be the end of a relationship, end of story. This relationship will never get better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 April 2014):
 Hitting is not OK. Doesn't matter if it is the guy hitting the girl, or the other way around, HITTING is NOT OK, nor does it resolve ANYTHING.
You already broke up. And now you are considering counseling? I think YOU DO need some counseling, because you think slapping your BF in the face = standing up for yourself. But not so you can continue to be in a relationship that is bringing out the wrong in both of you.
He PUTS you down when you have a different opinion then you. How healthy is that relationship?
So you have a guy who is verbally abusive to you, and you respond by being physically abusing him. NOT healthy.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 April 2014):
 You say you either need to go to counseling or break up. I thought you did just break up with him? Isn't that what you meant by saying you're done?
I don't blame you for being pissed. I wouldn't tolerate for one second being called stupid or anything else similar to that. hell no. He needs to grow up. However, at the same time, you shouldn't be smacking him across the face and saying things you don't mean, either (ending it with him if you don't mean it).
Sounds like you both have some things you could stand to work on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 Yeah, that's what I am wondering... you say you " are done " , but you talk as if you are still going to be a couple...
Why ? Is he taking you back after you have smacked him on the face ?! Really ??..
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