A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am having a problem with my relationship, me and my boyfriend argue all the time. He got sacked from his job 4 months ago. We have been together for nearly a year but he used to work abroad so I only seen him for weeks at a time. Anyhows after he was sacked he come to live at my house. When he had a job he was very generous with his money although I did pay for things myself as this is the way I have always been. He decided not to look for a job for 2 months cus he wanted time off, I explained to him that I didnt have enough money to support us both when his run out and he accepted this at the time as he still had money (I have to pay for a house and bills/car by myself). He didnt want to get a normal job and basically after me coming to a point where I was so overdrawn with the bank, he reluctantly got a job (which he hates). He is very resentful towards me because he now has no money to support his once lavish lifestyle...but he was the one who chose not to look for a job straight away? If I earned enough money I would not go on about this ....but I simply do not earn enough. I have never defaulted on payments and dont want to risk loosing my house. He has been employed for 4 weeks now, but he is getting paid by cheque and hasnt even bothered opening an account for the money to be paid into. I am very stressed and cry every day...to no avail...he doesnt seem concerned that I wont have enough money to pay my bills. I realise it has been partially my fault for coninually handing him money that is really designated for other things. Last week he said sorry saying he realised that he needed to make sacrifices as he didnt have enough money for stuff....but I have seen no changes as everything he requests money for is a necessity...like the gym...going out for mates bdays...chicken breasts for his lunch for work (cus thats what he is used to),. I cant afford to buy myself anything now because of supporting us both. I have even borrowed money from my parents. I dont know what to do. I dont understand why he would not open an account when we so desperatly need the money to live. My feelings have just turned to resent and I am so angry with him all the time because of all this.
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male
reader, Arlo +, writes (29 October 2008):
 Oh hon, I am so sorry. Sounds like the practical and honest approach isn't washing with this guy. I am staggered that he cannot see this situation for what it is and how serious it is!If he cannot see how this will ultimately end, then I think now is the time for you to think about yourself. His stubborn refusal to give up a certain lifestyle will bring you down, degree by degree. Are you prepared to go through that sort of pain?From hereonin, with nothing changing, the situation will get worse and worse, trust me, and your resentment and arguments will intensify. I myself went through a similar experience with my (now) ex-wife!Where the heck does this guy think the money is coming from? You are not a cash dispenser!I think now is the time to REALLY lay things on the line. Unless he is prepared to change his outlook and ditch his selfish self-centered attitude towards money, then your future together is bleak.Don't let it get that far down the line, hon.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys thanks for you replies.I sat down...yet again last night to try and talk about this...but it just ended up in a massive row. He doesnt think that these things he has like food, gym, general living, money to go to work should even be discussed as these are all essential and not even an option to drop. I understand food and getting to work is required but why sshould I eat cheap meals and him not. He says he gets no luxuries, and doesnt seem to understand my money has doesnt last forever. He had £50 at the weekend to go for a mates party but describes this as money not for him...its for his best mate cus he had to go. There is no reasoning.Things were ok when money wasnt a problem...but it has highlighted we have different core vales.Arghh!cal xx
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A
male
reader, Arlo +, writes (28 October 2008):
I agree! This guy needs to wake up and smell the coffee. He seems to have his head stuck in the clouds here and needs a reality check.
I think you need to lay it on the line that certain lifestyles can only be maintained with a proper cashflow. Once the cashflow slows or stops, the lifestyle HAS to change. Period.
Today's necessities become tomorrow's luxuries. We ALL have to make compromises and changes when our belt tightens and simply have to accept it whether we like it or not. This is not being picky - this is reality.
You cannot allow hime to drag you down and give you a bad credit rating etc when you do start defaulting on payments (which WILL inevitably happen if nothing changes). If you end up going down that road, the circle is vicious and ever decreasing and you will resent him even more than now to the point where, ultimately, your relationship will fall apart.
Sit him down, point out the bare-faced facts, agree a plan together going forward and I hope you work it out.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (28 October 2008):
 Tell Freddie the Freeloader he either coughs up halve of everything or he moves out. Be firm or you'll end up losing everything you've worked so hard for.
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A
female
reader, sugar_sugar +, writes (28 October 2008):
 Say NO!
Don't give him any more money. Your security is more important than his luxuries. Do not give him another cent, do not even feed him with groceries you have paid for.
That is a huge red flag, you cannot depend on him when it really matters - financially or emotionally.
Your future could be absolutely destroyed simply for the fact that he wants chicken breasts and bigger muscles? Where the hell are his priorities?
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (28 October 2008):
Wow, can you spell leach?
If you can spell it then why haven't you spotted it?
Tell him there is no more money. That if he doesn't pay you £x by the end of next week then he is going to have to move out.
You are right that it is your fault for spending money that you don't have on him, but you can stop that at any time and now is that time.
Kick him down to the bank to cash the cheques and give you some or kick him out.
Good Luck!! xx
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