A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been going steady and am now engaged to a great guy. I do however have a problem which is causing great concern for me. I really love this man.I found out after a night out that he went to a strip club and this really upset me, since this is not something which I would do to him. It feels like he has betrayed me. My brother is visiting us currently and they have been out all day and my brother (making a joke) said that he would ask him to take him to another strip joint. What should I do since I do not think I would survive another night like the other?
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female
reader, maddy77  +, writes (7 September 2007):
I use to be a dancer, If you weren't aware of this before you got engaged get out now. I know what happens in those places. This will erk you as long as you guys are together and you will always wonder even if he says he's not when it comes to that don't trust him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): i heve the same problem. i dont know what to do. i have never felt so awful about the way i look until i found this all out.i found out that my man went to three strip clubs four different times. he said he only wanted to see what there about. i heard he had a vip dance and he said he didnt. the guy he said he was with told him to so he knows what its like. the guy supposably went to his truck to wait for him when he got done he could just meet him out there. and my boyfriend said he acted like he was going to do it but went into the bathroom for about 5 min and came out. the stripper who was going to give him his private dance aked him if he was going to get one and he told her no. so she gave him her personal number so they could hook up. he went back and supposably threw the number out. then told his guy friends that he had sex with her in the vip. he told them this because he claims they were bugging him to hook up with a hooker. he didnt want to tell me any of this cause he didnt want to hurt my feelings. but with him not telling me, he ruined my trust and damaged me by making me really insecure about this and about how i feel about myself. he tells me i look sexy and i dont believe it. he tells me every day and he makes sexual gestures towards me. i dont believe it cause i feel he is putting up a big front to get me to trust him again so he can do it all over again. my wall is up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): These are all good perspectives. I am someone who is totally liberal with my partner, but have no tolerance for any level of porn or strip clubs. It's good to hear the man's perspective, because yes, I am afraid he's going to find the strippers more attractive than me and that feels threatening. I also realize that worrying about it so much is counterproductive to my relationship.
I think it's something you have to agree on up front, and also be honest about. The worst thing is making your man feel bad about it because then he ends up having to hide it. I think if he loves you and knows it bugs you he obviously wouldn't need to go. Could have done it when he was single!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): Guys who go to strip clubs do not get laid. It is just a fling to check out some hopefully hot chicks. I do not go there myself because I want to touch and hold the woman while dancing or otherwise socializing. Strip clubs are for a fling or for Losers for the most part. He is probably there in the fling mode. He is not going there to have sex or pick up a girl. (He probably doesn't have enough Game for that)
Don't stress out, it shows your insecurity and neediness. If you are all that he is not going to even think about trying to hook up with a Stripper. I personnally would be more concerned about your insecurity and think twice about a long term relationship with you. If you have Low Self Esteem (LSE) then you are bad news to a man and he may be better off if you dump him over the strip club issue. LSE causes the gf to be unreliable in the Long Term Relationship. Actually it holds true for men also. (Players have LSE)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2007): Why should you stay home and feel upset about it? Forget what others say about being a relationship and feeling it's a waste of money to go to a strip club.Go to a male strip club. Check out other men, even if it means you gotta pay for it.
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A
female
reader, kazzy35  +, writes (19 August 2007):
i agree i wouldnt be happy with it i wouldnt dream of looking and fantising over other men let alone go to watch them like that, i picked my bf and hes enough for me. I think your bf should relise how unhappy and inscure u r about it dosnt matter how big or small if it hurts u and he loves u he should respect how you feel. At the end of the day these woman arnt interested in him they are paid to do this and with his money when he goes. I think if ur in a relationship there is no need for it and such a waste of money x
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (18 August 2007):
 To respond to this question: As for the men who think it's o.k. let me ask this, is it o.k. if the shoe is on the other foot...if your woman strips on amateur night because she likes the attention men give her?
YES. Going to a male strip club or strip herself on amateur night, YES YES YES. If she is safe doing it, and it turns her on, I am the one the reaps the benefits becuase she comes home with me.
I know that there are guys out there better looking, richer, more muscular, with bigger dicks...do you think I should be panicked everyone one of the winks at my girl? Oh please. I take it as a compliment that they have good taste, and let it be.
My wife looks at other guys, just like I look at other girls...it is human. As an old mentor of mine taught me...it does not matter where we get our appetites, as long as we go home to eat.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): Ok, I don't understand the fuss. I don't consider it cheating. It's like a fantasy or a day dream. To me, my boyfriend can wank about whatever he wants as long as he only has sex with me. You can't really think that it's ok for you to control what's in his mind.If someone is with me is because they want to be with me, if they didn't they would be with someone else. You are honestly telling me that you've never fantasised with another men? Not even Brad Pitt (or whoever you think is hot)? That doesn't mean you want a relationship with them or does it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): I would let this one slide with the promise of not doing it again, if it does happen again, leave him for someone who respects your feelings. If you don't, you will be entering a life of pure hell, and you only live once, don't waste it arguing wether or not it is acceptable, find a man who agrees with your standards.As for the men who think it's o.k. let me ask this, is it o.k. if the shoe is on the other foot...if your woman strips on amateur night because she likes the attention men give her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2007): I disagree with frank b. kermit about the strip club issue. I have been told by men that a lot more than just "looking" goes on in strip clubs. Men get lap dances where they absolutely DO have physical contact with these women. The girls dance for and rub themselves against the guy's you know what. And sometimes even more can happen depending on the strip club. I am not saying that this is what your bf did. He probably just "looked." But even that is so lame. And just because this is so far the predominant female opinion, I guarantee you many men would agree. If he was single he can do whatever he wants. But he is not. Furthermore, do you think that your guy would fancy you going to look at naked men at strip clubs all sexy dancing for you and rubbing your private??? I doubt it.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (18 August 2007):
I have to ask what it is about strip clubs that makes you so angry? Is it that he is looking at other girls? Do you worry he will cheat on you with them? Do you think it is morally wrong?
I am also going to suggest that if he likes going there, maybe you might try going with him? Most of the wives that I know that go with their husbands actually stop feeling threaten by it, and even get a laugh watching the men who watch the strippers.
If it is becuase he goes to look...understand he is a man, and as a man we all look. Better to have it in a controlled environement where he is not allowed to touch a girl, than to be on the street where he could end up having an affair.
Lastly, would you consider that the strippers feul a fantasy of his that you are not willing to live out with him? I mean, if he really gets a kick out of it, have you tried to perform for him in private?
Guys who cheat do not waste their time with strip clubs ... the guys who go to strip clubs do it, as a way to satisfy their urges for visual variety WITHOUT it turning to cheating. And no, it has nothing to do with you not being enough.
Please consider these suggestions from a guy's point of view.
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2007): That's pretty shady. I know I would feel awful. I don't think there is any reason why he should be doing this, given that he is with you. I don't know. I know that if I was in that position, I probably would look at him differently. But I am not a forgiving type. But I am also really faithful so I have high and similar expectations of who I am with. I mean he should have asked you about it. But above all, he should have known that it would upset you. I think? Unless there was something he wasn't clear about?I usually try to avoid stuff like this by really gauging a guy's character before I let my emotions get involved. So, I am going to go ahead and ask, Has he ever shown signs of potentially being capable of something like this? I mean if you guys are engaged, you must know him pretty well. What has he told you are his opinions about infidelity and nudity and strip clubs and what are his boundaries? I am sure you guys have talked about this. It just strikes me a bit odd that he would do something like this with no concern for you, and you had absolutely no incling that he was capable of that. On the other hand, if you really feel like you did completely know him and know in your heart that he would have never done anything like this, then I would be concerned that maybe he doesn't care as much as he used to. Maybe something has changed.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (17 August 2007):
 Hi
I wouldnt be happy with it either. If you're not comfortable with it, you need to tell him, and if hes worth his salt, he wont be going anywhere near strip clubs.
It shouldnt be a big deal to him to not.
Good luck.
C xxxxxx
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