A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like the back story is needed (see below). But, my question is how do I let go of the fact my boyfriend went to a strip club TWO nights in a row while on business? I eneded up going to a male strip club for a girls night recently, now I'm just pissed off at him all over again!In the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend went to a strip club with a friend when he was out of town.He didn't tell me, I found out. i just had a feeling, so I looked at his phone. I asked him about it and he fessed up. Wasn't super apologetic basically just admitted the whole thing. I left the house @1am could not sleep went to my parents without even telling him....we didnt speak the following day until 7pm he randomly asks if he can use my tanning bed?? LOL. So we talked, squashed it...or so I though. I go through his phone a couple weeks later, he was telling his friends he had absolutely no regrets and basically I overreacted. Whatever. He told me one thing, which was an apology I wanted to hear and basically told his friend his true thoughtsFAST FORWARD....Now It's still an early relationship today, 8mo in. I go on vacation to Chicago with my gf. She buys us tix to "Dreamboys" which is like a male review featuring some douch bag from the bachelor. I've been to plety of female strip clubs with coworkers in the past, never a male club. So i'm like YESSSS revenge on my bf!! So i tell him in advance I'm not to down but the tix were bought soooo oh well I'm goin. Well, one thing led to another I'm drunk and DANCING (clothed) on stage with these men. Snapchat story was lit. I got multiple lap dances, had a good ol time in the moment. Never once was I interested in any of these men. So when I get home my bf SWEARS the strip club was non issue but my drinking was. Ok, fair enough. So as I tell him about my trip I tell him I got a lap dance from a guy of a different ethnicity. My bf was like WHAT?!?! Then he said "I don't tell you my things, lets just keep it mutual". So in my mind i'm like ohhhhh hell no he was getting lap dances he CHOSE his stripper-I did not. I wasn't turned on whatsoever it was just FUN crazy times with my friend on a girls trip. My biggest issue is he went to this particular strip club two nights in a row. That's a huge red flag to me, and to find out he was gettin lap dances I'm livid. Did he go for the same girl? Did he go just cuz? Maybe I'll never know but an eye for an eye doesn't feel that great right now.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 May 2017):
 Honestly you are way to immature to be in a relationship. You went out off your way to try and make him jealous, which is simply spiteful and cruel. You should end things with him, because it doesn't sound like you trust him and you try and hurt him by playing games. You should stay single for a while and learn two wrongs do not make a right. You need to take some time to yourself and deal with these insecurity issues or you will simply never be happy with any man. It sounds like you both have no communication at all or what you both accept in a relationship. He hides things from you and you go out off your way to try and be spiteful to him. Not a good match am afraid.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 April 2017):
 And, in case you haven't realize it yet: when you enter a relationship based on trust, respect and friendship, you get the same in return. You get trust, respect and friendship. In such a relationship, a healthy relationship, your boyfriend would not ever go to a strip club if he knows it bothers you. In such a relationship, your happiness will be his first priority, as his happiness will be yours. In a healthy relationship, you do not check each others phones, because there is no need to. You are both open and honest with each other, truthful and can communicate using your words and actions of affection.
Maybe you are lacking some good role models for how a healthy relationship should be. But you can acquire one. Just not with this man, not with all the drama and shit and misery that has already occurred.
In a healthy relationship, when you are mentally mature, and someone does something cruel to you, you simply end the relationship. That is what you do. You don't accept shit or being treated poorly, and you DO NOT SEEK REVENGE. You simply just walk away, because you know you deserve better, and you know you can do better.
But in order to get a better man, a man who respects you, you need to know what respect is and how to give it yourself. You need to be a better person yourself, and not allow yourself to abuse someone or sink this low.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 April 2017):
So you don't trust him, think he should read your mind, and he's not allowed any privacy, so you just go through his phone on a weekly/daily basis. What a healthy relationship!
I think you need to be told straight that this is unacceptable behavior. And you are old enough to know better. If you want a good relationship, then trust and respect are two of the three pillars (friendship being the last). You're missing at least two out of three here. You don't respect that he has a right to NOT inform you of everything he does, and you don't TRUST him to know the difference between right and wrong.
If you had told him up front that you do not agree with strip clubs and that going to one is a deal breaker for you, rather than storm off like a child in a tantrum, then he would not have gone and done it again. I don't think you made a very good point by being passive aggressive, as it shows when he clearly did not get your "silent treatment" and asked to borrow your tanning bed. For the reference, the silent treatment and being passive aggressive are both listed as psychological abuse. It's abuse. You're not right to treat someone with this form of abuse. You need to stop it.
Going through his phone is another form of abuse. It's called trying to control him. Monitoring him.
All over, I think this sounds extremely unhealthy. You would benefit from taking a long and hard look in the mirror, because the way you treat him is very dangerous.
Also, if him going to a strip club is a deal breaker, you had no business going to one yourself, doesn't matter if it's a male or female strip club. It's people dancing for money and sexual arousal all the same. That's like saying kissing a girl isn't cheating because you're not bisexual/gay. BUT IT IS! You've been going to strip clubs yourself on numerous occasions. So just this alone shows me that this isn't about the strip club at all. You don't care about the strip club. You go to them yourself, so obviously you are fine with it. But you want to control him. You want to make him feel like shit. You want to have an excuse to go through his phone, as if he had done anything to deserve not being treated with respect.
This isn't a relationship, this is unhealthy and it's abusive. This is about control.
You CAN change your ways, if you want it. Learn to manage yourself and your impulses. Don't justify shitty behavior from yourself. You either treat someone with respect, and trust them, or you leave them alone. You NEVER have a right to try and control them, be passive aggressive and give the silent treatment, ridicule them or otherwise put them down.
And I wont even comment on how you only went to the male strip club for revenge. I mean come on. Revenge? Is that the type of relationship you want?
End this relationship. You need to change your ways and become a healthier person before you enter a relationship. Remind yourself that a relationship is based on TRUST, RESPECT AND FRIENDSHIP. Not entitlement, revenge and hypocrisy.
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (29 April 2017):
You are very immature. Clearly you are not ready for an adult relationship.
Break it off with this guy and spend some time growing up.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (29 April 2017):
 An eye for an eye isn't never good. It's childish.
You're mismatched because he thinks you're overreacting, but you are being hypocritical and over-dramatic about the whole situation, as you've been to strip clubs too and the way you've written it all is like it's for a bad soap opera or reality show!
Relax. Don't exaggerate or get animated. Just sit and think: is he the guy for you? If yes, trust him, don't snoop, never try to get revenge and don't bring up the strip club. If no, break up and cut contact, then move on and don't snoop or try to get revenge on a future boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 April 2017):
 You're not 12 years old so stop acting like it.
If you really can't get over it, break up with him. You know he doesn't regret it so you're not going to make him feel bad about it, but by then going and rubbing his face in it sounds a little childish.
Either move forward from this or break up, simple.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (28 April 2017):
 Either you trust your boyfriend, or you don't. You need to decide.
If you trust him, STOP CHECKING ON HIM! That is out of order and will never end well.
If you DON'T trust him, your relationship lacks any foundations, so wish him well and let him go.
Trying to make him jealous is no way of handling an adult relationship.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (28 April 2017):
 So let me make sure I'm tracking-you are holding a grudge from something that happened 8 MONTHS ago, and acting on it and trying to rub it in his face? You have insecurity and trust issues. If you want to BUILD a relationship you don't approach problems by cutting each other down.
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A
male
reader, JJ173 +, writes (28 April 2017):
If he's around your age, I assume he is, you both are way too childish to be involved with each other.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (28 April 2017):
 some things are just better left unsaid. Why share stories when you know it'll just hurt and leave you open for getting hurt back? What goes around comes around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): It's never going to feel the same for you simply because of the inequality that still exists in this world . When you look at women in a strip club watching make strippers they are mostly laughing and having fun . When yoh watch men watching female strippers , their tongues are hanging out and they look under a spell of lust . Women's bodies always have been and still are treated as up for judgement and ogling . Women have attempted to 'play like men ' and have make stripper but the effect is not the same . We have not been shaped by Millenia of being told we are the superior judges of make beauty and correct form. We have not been told men exist for our viewing and sexual pleasure and therefore the whole thing turns into a bit of a joke Men have little respect for the fact women are raised from birth under the scrutinising male gaze and when they participate in strip clubs and the like this can make many of us feel like crap . This is a woman's worth - her body and sexuality . It shows a lack of respect for you and women in general . Trying to play his game will not equal the score Some uneducated women even condone or encourage sometimes going along with the guy , thinking this somehow makes them cool or liberated . In fact it makes them anything but . It shows a lack of self esteem and respect for themself and their sisters. Sex is great but so is being respected and treated like we are more than meat for men's dissection
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2017): Tit for tat is a very childish way to handle what is supposed to be an adult relationship.
If you're beginning a relationship fighting from the starting-gate; it's best you let it go.
You're a bit hotheaded and he's too busy trying to show his boys he's not whipped.
You're both a bad mix.
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