A
female
age
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*uv2hugmonkeys
writes:Please help. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 months. I am falling in love with him. We spend at least 4 days and nights together every week since we met. Everything is great. Here is the problem. He was married for 23 years. He was deeply in love with her. Now, she wants him back. He says he doesnt want to be with her but yet he still talks about how much she hurt him. He shows feelings for me but has already told me he isnt in love with me. I don't want to lose him but part of me says I should run. Im not really sure at this point if I should hang on. I really want to be with him but something tells me he may go back. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 November 2009):
 He's using you. Are you willing to settle for that?
A
female
reader, lavender girl  +, writes (23 November 2009):
A relationship straight after such a long marriage is probably not destined to be a long term success - it is often used by the partner who has been left as a way of trying to deal with the hurt. 23 years is a really long time to be with someone - he and his wife will have a lot of shared history and it certainly sounds as though he hasnt got over her. He has been honest enough to say that he doesnt love you. I imagine that you two got together very soon after the marriage broke up. He is probably using you to try and get over his loss and to stop him feeling lonely- although I doubt he realises that is what he is doing to you and I think that he does care for you - just not in the way that you deserve. It will be easier for you to break things off now before you get any more involved.
good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): I get the impression that he wasn't out of the relationship with the ex very long prior to meeting you? If so, I'm afraid that you may be his rebound. I've been there before and it stinks. Someone on the rebound truly doesn't have the capacity to love someone else. I'd move on if that's the case. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): If he's told you he's not in love with you then you'd probably be best to get out now. If he's still going on about his ex hurting him, then he's still stuck in that relationship whether he's physically there or not. The wife probably doesn't really want him back, more likely she's just going through that initial phase of being unable to accept the reality of the marriage being over which is pretty common, and also, if she knows he's got another woman in his life, it may have brought out feelings of possessiveness which will disappear as soon as she has him back. Whatever the actual situation, put yourself first. I would suggest that you end the relationship on a good note so that you can stay friends, and you also get to keep your dignity. He probably will go back to his wife, and when it falls apart a second time perhaps he'll then be able to move on. If you stay friends with him, that will be when there may be a chance for you and him. Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2009): read your own words slowly. he is still in love with his wife. he wants her and he will go back. it is just a matter of time. you hold the key, still provide the comfort sex or decide that your life is important and show him the door. he WILL NOT throw away 23 years for a mere 3 months. he is married after all.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 November 2009):
He's told you he isn;'t in love with you. That's enough to make me say you need to find someone else. You should be in a relationship where you are loved. I think he's with you out of convenience, and I suspect you might be right. He may go back to his wife. But if nothing else, he's said he isn't in love with you. Find someone who is.
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