A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My question is My boyfriend was once married, and then come to find out he and his wife were into foursomes, when I ask him about it because I just want to make sure that he doesn't still have those feeling because I won't do it he get mad at me and walks away, he keeps saying its in the past let it go. but my thing is that I don't want him to tell me in a year or so that he still is into that, so I ask do you still have those feelings, is that what you like? and he won't answer me, I just want to know because I am not that way and if he still is then i don't want to be in this relationship anymore. so am I wrong for asking? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): And all I was saying to you is that sometimes people have reasons to not say anything, like my girlfriend did and that we have to chose to accept that or to leave the relationship. The reason may not even be valid in your mind. I made a choice quickly and lived with no answer for 28 years. You have done nothing wrong in my mind. Your choice may never be any better than mine was. You may have to face that at some point. Sometimes there will be no answer available. Sorry, but that is the way that life is sometimes. If you can't accept that then leave him to protect your own santity or keep pressing and drive the 2 of you apart. I still think he should give you an answer, as I thought my girlfriend should have to me, but it is his choice, not mine.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Hold on here, If you were to read my replys you would see that I am not digging up his past nor asking him about it. I am asking if he Still have these feelings that he had, and his reply is HUMMMMMM nothing, nothing at all.
DiovanLestat as for your questions:
1. she was on a website that go to and she has a profile there.
2. as for the bar thing, yes it upset me very much but what was i supposed to do? he was comming home drunk and I was not going to start fighting with him when he is drunk or has been drinking.
3. if he is cheating I will find out, it might take me a while but someone will slip and say something that they aren't supposed to
4. People do change I do trust him, like i said in my other replys was that he didn't know that his wife to be was BI untill they got married so she kept the secert to her self untill the got married (2 years later). what can I say that he's won't do the same thing to me???
I don't so until I find out if he is up to something I really can't accuse him.
Again I was only asking for advice and the more I read replys it seem like Im the problem, and all i wanted to know if I was wrong about asking him. Again I was not bring up his past I was looking out for my future. I don't want to waste my time on someone who wants to live a life like that, only because I am not like that. thats all I need is a simple yes or no, and all i got was nothing.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 We have been focusing on you, because you're the poster of the question and you can give us feedback and more information. I think that perhaps we should speculate a little about your boyfriend.
Here we have a man who married to a woman who was into foursomes (no judgments here) and got him involved. He discovered his wife's preference two years into the marriage, and then he got involved himself. He left her when he found out his wife was sleeping with a friend (I assume a man) and other people as well, but not as a foursome, but as a one-to-one relationship. Also, they went broke because of her gambling. He is involved with you, but still has close ties to her.
I remember another post here in Dear Cupid. The man was complaining that his wife had convinced him to a threesome, and then had said she wanted to sleep with the other man on her own. The husband had gone along with the threesome, reluctantly, but afraid of losing her, and the new request upset him deeply.
I can speculate that your boyfriend went through a similar process with his wife. He wasn't into foursomes, he agreed to one (willingly or unwillingly) but then he left when things went too far for him. That should have been disturbing enough. Why does he keep on seeing her, if, on top of this, she made him bankrupt?
I do agree that you have insecurities to deal with yourself, but I also believe that your boyfriend isn't helping. Other posters have said it, too. I would expect him to want to be light-years away from her; instead, he keeps the ties.
It's not the foursome thing that troubles you the most. It's the contact with his ex-wife, and the possibility of his going back to her, even if it's not in a foursome. I think you have a good point here.
I see you haven't been able to discuss the matter, and you have received good advice on how to approach him if he comes back. But, you also need to know that it's not just you. He does have a problem. It might be that he hasn't really moved on. This is what he needs to deal with first. The rest of the story will be dealt with later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): One thing I have learned about relationships is that both partners have to work hard to make the relationship work. My first wife and I didn't do enough of that and it failed. OK, I also had some problems that made it difficult, so most of the blame is mine, but not all of it.
My current wife and I have worked hard to make our relationship work for 29 years. Most times there was no work involved, as it was fine at least 90% of the time. However, the remaining time we had to work at resolving problems. Sometimes one of us was not willing to be part of the work, like when she refused to talk to me about the past after she had to tell me everything. Sometimes I was the one who couldn't see a problem and didn't want to talk. When this happened the other person would step up and try to resolve the problem in their mind and realize that not everything will be worked out in the best way. Not the ideal way to communicate, but it might sometimes be necessary. If I hadn't done that we would have split in the first year or 2. If she hadn't done that later and after we got married then she would have left me. Most times we were both willing to work on a problem in the relationship together and sometimes one of us had to step up and accept the non-resolution. Most times these non-resolutions finally got solved down the road, maybe years later. Of course, none of these affected our daily lives and were just occasional occurances.
Some of these problems were similar to the OP's current problem. She can push the situation and demand an answer, just as I could have pushed my girlfriend to talk about her past after she brought it up without me ever asking. I guess she has to determine the value of this relationship and decide if she wants to give it up, force him away or leave him without an answer.
I really do understand how she feels, as I have gone through that similar situation. The facts are different, but the feelings are the same. You can push for an answer and maybe and hopefully get one without harming the relationship. You can also accept that you are not going to get an answer and continue on, either with him or without him. You have to decide which is more important. It took me over 2 years to make the decision to stay with her and accept that she wasn't going to talk about the subject. I never tried to discuss it after she told me to shut up, until 28 years later and about a year ago. For some reason all of my thoughts came back, but then she was willing to discuss for hours a day if necessary to put my mind at ease.
I put up with her demands becasue I thought I had found an exceptional woman for a new partner. She has very rarely disappointmented me with that decision, and when she did it was partly my fault. If she had been less exceptional in my eyes then I would have probably dumped her for her refusal to talk to me after dumping her conscience on me at the very beginning of our relationship.
You have to decide what is important to you. I do agree with you that you deserve an answer, but I believe that I deserved an answer many years ago. Sometimes we can't have the ideal thing. Things like that will come up at times in any relationship, even one that has above agerage communication most of the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): I do have a couple of questions. How did you happen across her website, why made you read it? Why dose he go drinking for 3 days, why dosen't this upset you? Aren't you suspicious that him and his ex-wife are already swinging together and he's cheating on you? One last question, if you've been together for 2years and you've trusted him up to this point, why would he start cheating next year or the year after that? If he's not mentioned foursomes already, what makes you think that he'll mention it in the future?
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 August 2008):
 Picking up on oldersister's train of thought, that this is the straw, I would ease off on the foursomes being the issue. I would try to tackle the real issue at the root of all this, and that is lack of mature, adult communication. Running off to the bar and going incommunicado for 3 days is not a healthy way to resolve any conflict. Telling someone to F off and stalk off angry isn't going to lead to any problem resolutions.
This combined with a lack of trust that I think exists on your part, is what is killing this relationship. His ex sounds like a bit of a nut, if she's managed to cheat in what sounds like a swinging relationship, and if she's bragging about the foursomes on her webpage. I do wonder too why he's staying close to her, if there are no other ties.
It might be worth a try tackling this issue with him, not focusing on the foursomes thing, but coming at it from the standpoint of the poor communication skills. Start with that, and see what he has to say. Tell him that you'd prefer he'd be honest rather than vanish. That's just going to postpone the inevitable.
I'd also be frank with him about your concerns about his seeming closeness to his ex. I don't think you need to present yourself as a raging jealous girlfriend; I think it's perfectly appropriate to say that this ongoing relationship with his ex is giving you great qualms. It's true, after all. It's making you uncomfortable and you do worry about it to a certain extent. That closeness, combined with the discovery of the foursomes, added to the crappy way he handled the discussion, has you upset and doubting everything. This is honest communication, if you can tell him this in a calm, collected way.
Back off and look at the whole picture of the relationship, not just this one thing, the foursomes.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 August 2008):
I agree with Oldersister.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): They Split up because she was sleeping with his frind and a few other people (without him). she also has a gambling problem and her problem was making them broke amoung other things. thats what he told me.
also to make thing clear again, He never told me about there 4some's I found out from her web site, she is braging about it on there. also I was NOT looking for it how I came accross it I have no Idea. I think maybe it's a sign, as I am a true believer in Karma
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 August 2008):
Point taken, Troubled
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 August 2008):
Going off to a bar for three days isn't a great way to show your girlfriend you care about her concerns. I hate to ask yet another question, but why did he and his wife split up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Thank you Danielepew
All I am doing is looking for a answer, before it's to late.
All I am asking for is a Yes or No from him and thats all and he can't even do that. I am not asking him to explain everything and go into details just a yes or no. and he can't even do that.
I have drop the subject with him and I have not said anything else. but god forbid if he still is.
If he is still into it, and then he ask for to be in it and I say no. then what is he going to do??? he he going to go back to his ex for a 1 nightstand for a foursome because he knows she is into it. or is he going to find someone else? because like I said before if he is still into it then I am gone because he will always have those feelings and there will be nothing I could do to stop him. I have to look out for myself to. I am only looking for 1 answer and thats a yes or no thats all and I have explained that to him. also his ex wife has not made our Re'ship very easy, like I said before they still talk. They don't have no kids together and have nothing more together. And that another thing that bothers me because why is he keeping her so close??? I never thought about it before, but now I am starting to put 2 and 2 together. all I want is a answer thats all. He has never gave me any reasons not to trust him but then again I really never paid any attention to it eather because I trusted him. but now I am starting to think. Is he really going to the bar? or is he out with her or someone else?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): "I think it's not the best approach to discuss why the boyfriend is doing this or that. What the poster needs is a way to settle the matter."
Perhaps why is not the optimal answer, but it is relevant. She has the option of accepting it as I did with my girlfriend or forcing the matter and possible driving them apart. It would have been helpful to me for someone to have explained to me 29 years ago why my girlfriend wouldn't allow me to talk about it. It would have made it easier for me to keep quiet and understand that it hurt her to talk about it.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 August 2008):
I think it's not the best approach to discuss why the boyfriend is doing this or that. What the poster needs is a way to settle the matter.
It seems to me that she has already spoken her mind and all she got was a discussion, distance and silence. Facts are stubborn. I'm sure he will go back to the poster. In my point of view, he's been duly informed of what to expect from the poster, tantrum or not.
As to suspecting whether he's doing something else with his ex-wife, that is a whole different matter. The poster has spoken clearly: the real problem here is not simply that he used to have foursomes and may want some more of it in the future, but that the poster is afraid that, since she's not doing that, the husband might go back to the ex-wife, who will.
In that regard, I can't tell you whether your boyfriend will do this or that. We would need more information. And perhaps that would explain his angry reaction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Your last answer posted after my answer did. When my wife told me about her past early in our relationship she also didn't want to talk about it. It took me many years to learn that she didn't want to talk about it because she felt guilty/ashamed about it. It hurt her to talk about it and she told me to either shut up or she would leave me. She forced me to know about her past and then refused to help me deal with it. I slowly began to not allow it to bother me until it started to bother me again last year after many years. By then, she was proud of the way that she has been since meeting me and was willing to talk about it as much as necessary to allow both me and her to understand what she was thinking after she left her first husband and why she acted as she did.
This is the only thing that I can relate to when trying to understand your boyfriend's behavior. I can't know the real reason for his unwillingness to talk, but I can relate to how you feel. It was my willingness to follow my girlfriend's demand that kept us together. I almost left her a couple of times, but I am happy that I decided not to. It was difficult for me to accept her demand to not talk, but it was worth it in the long run. I was also afriad for several years that she would want the excitement of having 6 sexual partners in one year again, but that was never even close to being the case. After we finally talked about it at length, I discovered that it was far from wonderful excitement for her at the time and was really not a happy time in her life. Perhaps this is the case with your boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Let me summarize what I said in my actual answer to you.
“Sorry OP, but to answer your question. I believe that he should be able to honestly answer that question. I cannot know why he will not. Perhaps it is because he still has those desires. Perhaps it is because he now knows that it was wrong and is guilty or ashamed about his past behavior. …… When one is guilty and ashamed about something they have done, they may be able to admit it, but unable to really understand why they did it or to even talk about it. It doesn’t mean that they want to repeat that behavior.”
My first wife and I kept in contact for a couple of years after she left me and after I started dating the woman who I married, so that is not unusual. Our divorce was about as amicable as possible. I would not worry about his contact with her at face value. Of course, we never did any kinky stuff. Just the opposite, but that’s a different story. However, if he has given you any indication that he has any interest in kinky sex like 4somes then you have reason to worry.
As I said before, I think that you do deserve an answer as to whether he still desires 4somes. Perhaps he does, but is trying to recover from that addiction and is afraid to tell you this. Perhaps he started to like it after his ex introduced him to it and is afraid to admit that. I can understand that because I waited a long time to tell my wife some things about my past. When I finally did, she told me that she is happy that I waited until she knew that I was now much different. If she had waited to tell me things about her past until I knew that she was a different person it might have gone easier for us early in our relationship, and I’m talking like waiting years and not months. Like Ask oldersister said in her one post, sometimes it is best to not tell all until the relationship is secure and the person will know that one has really changed.
You are in a difficult situation and there is no easy answer. Some believe that you deserve an answer and others believe that you should forget about it unless he indicates an interest in a 4some. I am in the first camp, but neither opinion is completely right or wrong. He is either ashamed to talk about it or he still likes the excitement and is afraid that he might want to do it again. The fact that he refuses to talk about it indicates to me that it is either shame or still desire and he doesn’t want to admit it and he also doesn’t want to lie to you to make you feel better. Lying to you to make you feel better is not a good solution either, as I am a great believer in honesty. It is better to say nothing than to lie.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Hello again,
When I asked him I was calm and caring about it, I asked him the same questions that I was asking here with no yelling no fighting I was just concrened about it, I told him it not about your past it's about our future, I did not get mad untill be basically told me to shut the F up and walked away. and then I was like what are you hiding??? then I didn't see him for 3 days because he has been hanging out at the bar(right). I can't get mad over this yet nor do I want to break up with him because I don't know the truth yet, I am lost, I don't know what to think. because of the way he is acting about this and because he is not giving me any answers I starting to think that he still is into it. and if he is not into it anymore then what is the problem of telling me? Is he doing it behind my back? I can't ask that question either because again he get pissed and walks away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): "Yet you only seem to get angry and bitter about it when you've perceived it's been done by a woman. Ironic."
Not true. I have condemned the insulting answers by men in other posts, but that was not the point of the discussion/argument here so I did not dwell on it. Here is an example of one of my posts:
"XXXXXXXXXX has, on a very minimum of a dozen occasions, just called the individual involved with the problem as a pathatic person. Actually, this might be the first time that he has not used the term pathetic. I, for one, have finally gotten sick of his instulting answers on this subject and this is the first time that I have responded to his continued insults. I believe that I have just as much of a right to defend these men (and very occasionally women) and myself as he has to continually insult us."
I have defended both men and women who are unnecessarily insulted by someone on this board. I have also defended woman who are treated unfairly in real life, even going to personel on occasion at work to ask why some woman who I worked with was not given a fair chance at a promotion when that was more common 30 years ago. I was simply pointing out an inconsistancy here that I have observed since joining this board.
And I must ask the anonymous female. Why are you ashamed to reveal who you actually are? Why are you afraid to show your "face", even if we are all somewhat anonymous anyway? I am not afraid to say that I am "troubledtoomuch" and take my licks and defend myself if I see fit. Why can't you be like Ask oldersister, Tisha-1, DiovanLestat and others who have disagreed with me at times and told me so to my face, without hiding who they are. I greatly respect those women for disagreeing and argueing with me without hiding. I find it difficult to respect someone who hides their "identity".
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 August 2008):
Thanks for the follow up. Have you told him that it is the future that you are concerned about? That what's past is past for you? And are you doing this in a loving, non-confrontational way, calmly? And how many times have you tried to have this conversation?
Sorry for all the questions but it helps if we don't tell you to do things you've already done.
It may be that he doesn't want to tell you because he still is interested in doing foursomes. I think it is reasonable to get some assurance from him that he is not going to expect you to participate or that he will not seek them outside the relationship or marriage if it comes to that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Hello,I am the one who has asked the question. and I just want to clear things up, My boyfriend was married for 8 years with his wife but been together for 10 he told me he never knew about how she was (BI) untill they got married 2 years later. I am not dwelling on is past. I am looking out for Our (mine) future. and also you have to understand this to. He still talks to her. My worry is that if he is still into his foursome and Im not, what is he going to do behind my back?? Thats why I need him to tell me the truth not walk away and get mad. again i am not asking for him to tell me everything that he did because it is none of my business what he did with is wife. but it is my business now on what he wants. and if he can't tell me the truth the yes I will leave him. I don't want him to tell me after we are married that this is what he is into. and thats why I ask now, I am looking out for my future not his past.also this is what he has been doing for the last 8 years with her. we have only been dating for 2 Thank you
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reader, Jamer70  +, writes (1 August 2008):
 i agree with DiovanLestat if he ask just say no. But seeing as youve made your feeling clear i doubt he will ask.
I also agree with Troubledtoomuch again though there are alot of open minded female aunts if a woman asks a question sometimes shes given alot more sympathy than a man in the same postion. BUT its not exactly that black and white and alot of aunts give unbiased advice, but like what Troubledtoo much found it goes further than that.
On bias i dont think there is one answer for where the bias is and isnt, becase DC has loads of aunts and Uncles giving advice for different walk off life
so female anon dont take it so serious
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): I meant: If the genders had been reversed those same women would have crucified the husband of the woman who wrote the question and SYMPATHIZED with her to no end.
Damn spell checker. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Is it only me that can't see the problem. A guy sleeps with 20 women and now he's faithfull to his wife. A guy used to like spanking his ex, his new wife dosen't like it, so he dosen't ask. A man had a foursome with his ex and now he wants to forget it, because it's not relevant, his partner's not like that... I really can't see the problem... When did this guy ask this woman to join a foursome. If she keeps pushing and asking for reassurance, isn't there a danger that like some people do, he'll get worried by her insecurity and find somebody else. Yes of course, it was relevant to discuss it, but he told her and now he dosen't want to talk about it any more. As I said, I think this guy is ashamed, and it's not wise to keep digging this thing and make him take his secrets and his feelings underground and walk away because he finds the subject painfull.
"He keeps saying its in the past let it go" Ms.Anonymous... As I've said, unill he asks her, (and she's made her feelings clear) why dose she need to know anything... This is a storm in a tea cup, and bringing up the past is driving this couple apart, just like it usually dose. Wait untill he asks you to have sex with other people, and then just calmly say no, the thought makes me sick.. See problem solved.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): "If the genders had been reversed those same women would have crucified the husband of the woman who wrote the question and symphonized with her to no end."
You seem very fond of making assumptions about people based on gender stereotypes.
"Of course, there are also men who give the same type of answers"
Yet you only seem to get angry and bitter about it when you've perceived it's been done by a woman. Ironic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): Those were very good and very compassionate answers from those women to those women who asked those questions. They were understanding and gave the same type of answers that are given to men with the same problem. The key words are compassionate and understanding. Allow me to quote some replies from women to men in these questions:
- Quite honestly you need to grow up. She did this before she met you and that makes it none of your buisness. Is she obsessed with your previous partners I wonder?
- being haunted by past visions is frankly stupidity and very provincial.
- You almost sound like you want to 'own' her, like she is spoiled goods,. Yikes! Those dysfunctional feelings has have no place in a healthy relationship.
- Try to walk away from her and see if you can do that. If you can , then find another virgin girl. If you cannot , then tell your brain to shuddup.
To be fair, the last 2 involved a guy who had more past partners than his girlfriend had.
- for heavens sake grow up! you either love her or you don't. … Get a grip!
- What has she to be ashamed of. It is a past.
The last 2 are to a guy who has been married for 9 years, whose wife recently had a date with an ex boyfriend and who admitted to him that she had lied to him about the number of partners she had before him and that she likes to talk about her past relationships and is angry with him because he doesn’t want to hear the stories of her past lays. If the genders had been reversed those same women would have crucified the husband of the woman who wrote the question and symphonized with her to no end.
Of course, there are also men who give the same type of answers, notably one man. Here is one of his quotes to other men with this problem.
- The only advice I can give you is to either try and realise how pathetic you are being by judging your girlfriends past, or let her meet someone without the insecurities so she can at least have a normal life.
Of course, I have to state that the vast majority of answers from women to men with this problem are also compassionate and understanding, but I didn’t see any women or the one man who answered condemning the women who asked the questions that the anon female linked to. I know that some women on this forum were great to me when I asked the same type of question.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (1 August 2008):
I find this post very interesting and enlightening, and I think you have attracted the attention of great aunts. I will keep this one as one of my watched questions.
I can add a small grain of salt. No, poster, you're not wrong for asking whether he's still into foursomes. You're afraid that he might ask you to have one in the future, and you don't want to be in a situation where your refusal to follow his tastes will have an effect on your relationship.
Deejuliet made a great point. Perhaps he's not interested in foursomes anymore. But I'm with you in erring in the side of caution. You need to assume that he might want a foursome in the future. And, like Tisha said, he's not giving you the reassurance you need to be sure that he won't ask you to do what you don't want to do.
I see this is a difficult issue for you and your boyfriend. You need a way out. Perhaps you can write him a letter? I know he lives with you, but sometimes letters are useful if you want to say something but you're afraid the other person won't talk to you.
If I were you, I would say something like "dear Whatever, I do love you and wouldn't want to lose you. I know the past is in the past, but am afraid that, should you want a foursome in the future, I would end up losing you. I am sorry I can't offer you to go along with this practice of yours. I just would like your reassurance that you won't leave me or cheat on me because I can't give you that"
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Hi babes,
Your partner used to be into swinging and foursomes when he was with his first wife. But we don't know if this is what he like to do, or something he hated and went along with to please her. We don't know, and I don't think it's relevant. His past is his past, whatever he did, was with his ex wife. Has he said or done anything to lead him to believe that he wants to do this with you. From where I stand it sounds like your guy is ashamed of his past and wants to forget the whole thing. Having foursomes is an extreme sexual activity, something that normally is not talked about, let alone practised. Of course he dosen't want to talk about it, he probably regrets and hate the whole thing and just wants to forget. She's his ex for a reason, and the reason might just be her extreme sexual ways. He's not asked anything of you, why do you want to force him to relive the past... Don't create problems where there are none. He's left the ex, he's left the swinging behind, he's with you now, and you give him everything he wants in a relationship and in bed. Untill he asks you to sleep with other people or indicates he's missing this extreme type of sex, I'd not worry about it. Why go looking for problems, when problems will come to you one day. Leave your man alone, he's probably ashamed and dosen't want to dwell on the things that happened in his marriage. Until you have reason to doubt him, leave the past well alone. There's enough problems in life, don't sweat the small stuff untill it really matters. The past is a poor indicator of the future. Is it really worth fighting and arguing about something he can't change. What if he'd been drugged or raped, would you force him to talk in the same way.
Give him a kiss and tell him you love him and go on with your relationship and be glad he's yours and needs nobody else to be happy in bed.
Take good care of you, take good care of him... Blessings, remember sometimes love can conquer everything. Hugs, good luck, I wish you well...
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Ask oldersister, that last advice is very wise. I waited for a long time to tell my wife about my past. By the time that I did, she was very secure about what kind of person that I had been for the years that we had been together. I didn't do that because I was so wise about it, but because I was either afraid of losing her or still had trouble admitting my mistakes to myself. That decision, for whatever reason, worked out very well.
However, she had the need to start to tell me about herself on our second date and it was things like 1 night stands and sleeping with guys she had just met at a bar. She had never been that type of person until after she left her 1st husband in her early 30s. She was very much like me before that. We both had only had 1 sexual partner - our first spouses and we had both had sex first at the ages of 21. However, her demorilization and low self-esteem from her first marriage led her to do things that were not her nature at all. She reflected and stopped after about 2 years and a year before meeting me. The problem was that she told me by hints that made her sound like she was bragging about her promiscuous 2 years. She made herself sound even worse then it really was. She did it completely wrong. If it had been like you suggest then I think that my thoughts would have been much different and I wouldn't have had to work so hard to overcome my feelings about her. She has never given me any indication in our 29 years together that she is that type of person and she really wasn't. She allowed herself to get used and got little out of it much of the time and I now feel sorry that she had to go through that period instead of resenting it. We finally talked about her and my true feelings after many years. I would hope that people who read this question and discussion carefully read and follow your advice on how to tell things like this. It would solve many of these problems that are posted here, including my first question when I joined DC.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
Female anon, thank you for doing that research. I guess the standard isn't so double?
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Ask oldersister, you have no reason to tell because you have no guilt or shame for what you have done and that is fine. Actually, it is great that you have no shame or guilt. However, if you did have guilt of shame, I wonder if that would still be the right or best thing to do - to hold it inside. As I said, I don't know the answer to that.
Oh, and thank you for the complement on that answer of mine. I appreciate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): "If a man came on saying they cant get past their gf 20 ex partners"
But...that's not what the OP is saying. She's made no complaints whatsoever of her partner's past. Perhaps the reason why she's not being told to "get over" his past is due to the fact she's given no evidence of being "under it".
If what you and others here are suggesting is that women who come here complaining about their man's past aren't told to get over it and leave it in the past as men are advised...well, I'm not sure where that idea is coming from, cause that's exactly what women were advised to do - by other women, no less - in the examples (few though there are) turned up by a quick search.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/my-fiance-lied-about-his-past-sexual-history.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-get-over-the-past-and.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-stop-myself-obsessing-over-something-in-his-past.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-can-i-stop-being-jealous-of-his.html
But, hey, I guess anyone who wants to believe nonsense things like 'women are hypocrites' would do well do ignore evidence to the contrary.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): I believe that the reason that women don’t write to ask about a man’s sexual past is because our society has taught both girls and boys that it is fine for men to play around, while girls/women are sluts or whores to do the same. When I was in my teens and even my 20s, my mother and her sister objected to every girl/woman who I wanted to date because someone else in the girl’s family had some reputation. All of them were automatically “bad” girls. However, I was also brought up to think of boys/men in the same light, so I did not believe it right for men or women to have a promiscuous past, like one night stands or many partners in a short period of time.
I would bet that there are more women than we know who are bothered by a man’s past, but are afraid to speak of it because that would go against society’s teachings. I wish that my teachings had been much different and that I could have more easily accepted my wife’s past between her divorce from her first husband and meeting me, but I had to work very hard to overcome what I had been taught and not to leave her over it. She made mistakes in the way that she had to tell me about it, as the way that she did made her seem proud of it. In reality, she thought it was as bad as I did. After she had been faithful and a very good and loving wife for many years and felt justifiably very proud of her recent behavior, she was able to talk about it and I eventually understood what she had gone through after leaving her cheating and verbally abusive husband and what she was needing and couldn’t find and why she did the things that she did. Both of us still would prefer that she had not been so promiscuous, but we both now finally understand it and accept it. We now only wish that we could have been in a frame of mind to discuss it intelligently many years ago.
There are men and women who think that it is wrong for people to talk about their pasts and there are men and women who think the opposite. My wife and I believe that it is the right thing to be honest, but that honesty requires honesty and understanding from one’s partner. The problem is that when a person, man or woman, is not proud of their past, then they most likely will project an impression that they were bad and wrong. However, what is worse, giving an impression like that or holding something inside you that you have a need to tell the person you love, but are afraid to do and feel guilt about for much of your relationship. I can’t answer that and I don’t think that anyone else can either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Ask oldersister, I totally agree with you that he should be totally open about it and answer the question and I agree that he might be hiding his true feelings. However, I also think that the women should be totally open with their boyfriends about their sexual pasts and the majority of answers on this board seem to be one sided. I believe that honesty is important both ways and that if a guy expects that a women shouldn't do certain things that it is only fair that the man shouldn't do the same types of things. However, since this board is dominated by women, I have found that a certain percentage of them (I can't guess what that percentage is) are very one-sided on subjects like this. Of course, there are also men on the board at times who seem to think that all women are cheating whores just because they have had some bad luck with a couple of women. I can reference many questions where I have defended the women or criticized the men. I am very much a proponent of total equality. What’s good for the goose is good gander and the other way around. I also believe that there are consequences for past behavior, whether it be sexual or otherwise and that goes both ways. For instance, if a person cheated on past partners, then why shouldn’t it still be a possible concern and why shouldn’t the other person have a right to know?
Sorry OP, but to answer your question. I believe that he should be able to honestly answer that question. I cannot know why he will not. Perhaps it is because he still has those desires. Perhaps it is because he now knows that it was wrong and is guilty or ashamed about his past behavior. My wife had to tell me about her past when we first started dating and then refused to talk about it. It was many years before she could talk about her past because of guilt and/or shame. She left me with the initial impression that she was proud of the way she acted, when her true feelings were completely opposite. I had the same problem telling her about parts of my past before her because of the same reasons. It took me many years before I could talk to her about it. Neither of us ever wanted to repeat our mistakes and never did, but we could still not discuss them because of our feelings about ourselves. When one is guilty and ashamed about something they have done, they may be able to admit it, but unable to really understand why they did it or to even talk about it. It doesn’t mean that they want to repeat that behavior. I don’t have any advice for you on how to get him to say what you want to say. I trusted that my wife had changed and she trusted that I was a different person, even though neither of us could or would talk about our past problems. It would have been a mistake for either one of us to force the issue farther back then and it would have probably ended the relationship early on. Not knowing caused some problems, but they were better than to have ended the relationship.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
Sorry, poster, but your question has generated a little debate here, and I think that it might actually be quite useful.
Troubledtoomuch, I agree that you raise a valid concern about a possible double standard, and I had to think about this one for a while. It's odd, isn't it, that women rarely write in because they are upset to find their man had multiple partners in the past. It's almost as though it's expected of men to have a sexual history. This of course is a sweeping generalization, but I really haven't seen too many women post the 'I'm having difficulty accepting my partner's past.'
At any rate, with this specific question, while I think our poster is concerned about his past, she seems to me to be more concerned that he might still indeed be interested in foursomes and that she may be pressured to participate in them in the future. So her focus is actually the future, not the past. I think that's a valid question, actually, and his comment 'let it go' is not enough of answer, and his getting angry and walking away isn't particularly comforting.
The situation of the men not handling their partner's past generally focuses on the lie or omission on the part of the woman and the discovery of the previous sexual partners. I rarely hear the men say they are worried she will cheat on them.
My guess is that her boyfriend might actually still fantasize about this, and is unwilling to admit it. Now it's one thing to have the fantasy, and entirely another to expect to act on it. I'd be a bit concerned too that he might find one-on-one sex to be boring if he's had these past experiences. She's indicated that she is not interested in participating in foursomes. I think if he has no intention of asking her to join in one, then he would be doing his damnedest to convince her that this is all in the past. He's not doing that, however, he keeps shrugging her off and getting angry and walking away, thus her concern. I think it's valid.
I don't think she has a problem with dating him because of his past, she just wants to make sure that there's no future intent to have one on his part, and she's not getting that.
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reader, Jamer70 +, writes (31 July 2008):
Im gonna have to agree with troubledtomuch here.
If a man came on saying they cant get past their gf 20 ex partners ands she only 21, alot (not nessacarily you) would be saying get over it and move on. The poster should do the same, your man and his ex wife did thing in their marriage and it should stay in their marriage, prehaps hes still into it but im sure hes a good enough bf to respect you and not want to, alot of people have secret desires and if their partners dont like them they keep it too themselves, its life. If your bf wants to do it and you dont, well its up to you to leave or not
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): I apologize for this comment being more or less off target, BUT...
I've been reading this site for a long time, troubledtoomuch, and you are 100% correct!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): So...either he's really not into it anymore and, for some very screwy reason, is refusing to share that information with you, despite the fact he knows it's critical to you (in which case, why would you want to be with someone who would act like such an ass?) OR he's still into it (in which case you definitely don't want to be with him). Either way, I say end things with this guy - fast.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): "I wouldn't be too concerned with a guy that screwed 20 women before he met me but I would be concerned about other proclivities like group sex or cross dressing!"
Indeed. A man who's into group sex is hardly the same as a woman who dared lose her virginity to someone other than her current partner or who had the temerity to have had monogamous sex with more people than their current partner has.
"The women with promiscious pasts can probably answer a direct question "no, I won't cheat" and this guy can't even give a reassurance!"
Exactly. It's funny; when I see those "I'm having trouble getting past my girlfriend's past" types of posts, the men writing in frequently state that they're having difficulty /despite their partner's best efforts to assure them that the past is in the past, that they only want to be with their partner, an so on and so forth/. What does this guy do instead? Get angry and walk away. That's what's especially troubling - and different - about this situation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Sorry Ask oldersister, but I have seen the same kind of responses from women when the guys new girlfriend has had 3somes and other non-convential things. The answer is usually that he has no right to ask her, her past is of no consequence and that he should be happy that she is with him. Perhaps you personally are not hypocritical, but I have seen plenty of it on this board with questions like this. It is very common and it needs to be addressed and sometimes is by men and even sometimes women. I have just done it here and it is valid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Ah yes, how many women are going to say that he will never change and he will be a foursome freak forever? Are these the same women who when a man asks if he can ever trust his girlfriend because she screwed 20 guys before she met him that he should suck it up and forget her past because it is her business alone and it made her what she is today and that she has obviously changed and would never do that again. Hmmm, do I see hypocracy here?
Oh, my apologies to dearjuliet. Excellent answer and I agree completely.
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female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (31 July 2008):
 The simple answer is of course he is "into that".The real question is does he want you to be "into that" as well, and how big an issue will it be later on?How openly and honestly do you talk to each other about your desires and likes in other areas of your sex life? If you have the type of relationship where you feel you can discuss such things freely and this is the one touchy subject then you almost certainly have a problem.On the other hand if you never talk about these matters then he could feel uncomfortable being asked about this one specific thing.How accepting of your wants and opinions when they differ from his is he in other areas of his relationship? Does he sulk when he doesn't get his own way? Or does he try to persuade or pressure you to agree with him on matters?You can probably get a good idea about how he will behave later on over this issue from the way he generally acts about things. You might be able to tolerate a boyfriend that gets a bit pushy when you can't agree about what film to see at the cinema, but translate that behaviour to a foursome and you will probably feel rather differently.If I was in your position I would be rather concerned that he can't just give you a straight answer (yes I enjoyed them) and some reassurance (but I would never ask you to do it).But even then words can be cheap, and I would want to judge what he said against his actions in other aspects of the relationship to see what really might be waiting around the corner.
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female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (31 July 2008):
 I disagree with the other posters. Just because he was into this before does NOT mean he is into it now or in the future. The big question to me is ~ Why did he stop? If he stopped because he found it to be dissatisfying or that it ruined his marriage he may now be repulsed by it and never want to go back. So to me the question you should be asking him is not 'Do you think you will ever want to do this again?' but 'Why did you get out of that lifestye and how did it affect you?'
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): Yeaaaaaah...people who are into group sex tend not to wake up with monogamy one day. Once a freak, always a freak - of some kind. And the fact that he gets mad at you and walks away should be the final nail in the coffin of this relationship. This guy is bad news, babe. Do what he's done to you and walk away - for good.
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