A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm hoping someone can help me with my problem. (i'm sorry it's running long)There was this guy from my church who really likes me. In the very beginning, he was sweet and really polite and fun to ahng out with, yet he is an illegal citizen (which isn't to say he isn't a good person but it's just some background info on him) and I did help him during times when his brother got into a car accident and when he got stopped by the police and didn't have any identification and my aprents helped him countless, countless times always giving him money everytime something tragic happened to him (which seemed to be all the time)After a while though, our phone conversations got more intense in that I felt he was pressuring me to give him an answer whether or not I'd be his girlfriend (which I need a lot of time to decide in the first place) and he kept on asking me things along those lines and I felt he was too pushy, aggressive, and controlling--he only wanted me to talk to him when we were at church and sit next to him, and even when he brought his friend over, he got jealous that we were talking and walked away and alter came back and when I told him that was rude to do that in front of his friend, he said "we'll talk later, if you don't understand me, then I know your parents will" and then when I called him out on it in front of my folks that night, he denied ever saying it!I have had it with this guy and I feel he's just being manipulative, and I can't trust him. I don't wnat to see him anymore or hang out with him, but he has now made friends with my parents and even though my mom sees my point, my dad still sees him as a good guy )despite everything I told him) I almost wnat to get a bf so this other guy will leave me and my family alone because if my dad won't do it, then maybe having another man around will make him stay away. Yet I know this is not a good idea and it might backfire on me anyway, yet my dad won't put hsi foot down and tell him to leave me alone. What can I do? Please help
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female
reader, Angela.B  +, writes (31 July 2008):
 You and your parents are all adults and capable of making your own decisions.
If your dad likes this guy and is friends with him then that is his decision and you can't really expect him to drop his friend because you don't like him.
But what you do is entirely your decision too. You are old enough to put your foot down yourself, and tell this guy to back off from you and keep telling him until he gets the message. If he doesn't get the message it would not be unreasonable to ask your dad to have a quiet word with his friend on your behalf though.
Just as you have to accept your dads decision your dad has to accept yours. He shouldn't expect you to hang out with his friend, just as you shouldn't expect him never to talk to this guy either.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 July 2008):
 Hi, let me guess, your father and this guy are from the same culture? Then they're doing the 'boys will be boys' thing, and it will probably take something really dramatic for your dad to see your side.
One suggestion for you is to get out of going to church at the same time as your family. Surely there's a service at another time that you can attend? Or even consider another church for awhile? Maybe you have a a girlfriend who would like you to attend hers with her? Just a thought.
If you do have to go to this particular church at the same time, then you need to become distantly polite to this guy. What you're trying to do is to get him to show his controlling behavior in front of others. Don't be ashamed to act scared if he is scaring you, or upset if he is upsetting you.
I'm guessing that this guy is over at your house sometimes too, isn't he? You're going to have to make yourself scarce, I think. Go over to your girlfriends' houses or get yourself involved in something that keeps you away from the house.
I'd also have a very serious discussion with your parents. Tell them that you need to call a family meeting, that there is something that is troubling you so deeply that you just can't cope with it any more. This should signal the gravity of this situation to them. Make it formal, sit them down and you stand and talk to them. Turn off the TV, no music in the house, dead quiet and calm for this talk. Spell it out for them, let yourself cry if it happens, then tell your dad that you feel he is choosing this guy over you and that you are deeply hurt and saddened by this. That this guy makes you uncomfortable and you no longer want to have to spend any time with him.
If you are able, and your age is correct at 22-25, maybe it's time to move out of your parents house? That is, if you are still living there? Can you move in with a girlfriend for a while, until you get your feet under yourself?
It's time for you to seize control of this situation, get yourself mentally strong about this, and give yourself permission to exit yourself from the scene if it is untenable for you.
Good luck.
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