A
female
age
30-35,
*itty18
writes:My boyfriend has been telling me from two months into our relationship that he loves me more than life and wants to marry me. We lost our virginity to each other 6 months ago and now we're approaching a year. I want him to propose to me for Christmas so we can start our lives together, but after all this time saying he wants to marry me, suddenly he wants to wait to get engaged. I'm worried that maybe he doesn't love me as much as before, or that I've done something to push him away. What's going on?
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 December 2007):
 What Irish has said is 100% correct. Read it carefully.
Your sense of security can only come from within yourself. Insecurity is what pushes people away from us, by working on your own inner strength and self esteem you will achieve two things: make yourself more secure and and make your relationship more secure.
There are a thousand different ways to do this, each person is different. Doing well in school and getting a good job is one. Admitting your inner fears and accepting them is another. Doing well at a sport or hobby. Giving your time to a good cause. All these things can help. Personally I found things like meditation and tai chi worked very well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2007): Kitty, if you feel you could possibly 'lose him' with or without a ring, then why push for an engagement, right now? Why even worry about it? There is nothing he can do to allay your fears. You feel unsafeon this relationship..all the more reason to NOT get engaged. Being engaged, married, living together...nothing can make you feel 'secure' if you are not 'secure' within yourself. It's almost as if you have resigned yourself and accepted, that dating this man, could possibly mean--'expecting some future 'hurt and loss' . Goodness, you cannot think that way. You have to think positive.
Your sense of security comes from within you. I cannot tell you how crucial it is to believe that you are a very lovable person and that being attached to/dating this wonderful guy of yours, is the most rewarding and safe experience, in your life. But if you're secure and smart about it all...you know that marrying him is not a sure shot, a guaruntee. You would know that if you love yourself, believe in yourself then you will be able to live a good, quality life with or without him. I hope you have never told him about this 'fear'...if you did, that could be exactly WHY he's putting off the engagement. Insecurity is a very unattractive, needy quality in a person and it can turn others off. Enhance your life, be creative, do things for 'your ' future. Empower your life, make your own 'security' so you don't have to worry about him giving you that 'security'. That's not his job-it's yours. Give that to yourself...stop expecting others to do that for you. And once you do that, then the balance of your love relationship will even out. You will feel more in control of your life and your relationship. And that in itself, is the sign of a strong woman.
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A
female
reader, Kitty18 +, writes (3 December 2007):
Kitty18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I forgot to say that we don't plan to get married for 4 or 5 years. I don't know if that matters and don't think I'm missing the point here, but I don't NEED to marry him, I WANT to marry him. The only unhealthy thing I can think of about it is that I'm really insecure about losing him. But I know that can happen with or without a ring. I just wanna feel secure.
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 I married when I was 22 to my first BF.
I had my first child at 23.
I think I was trying to create the family I never had as a child.
Now, when I turned 28, I had these secret thoughts. Wondering, what would it be like to be with another man? Would other men find me attractive? What it would be like to travel to another country??
The thing is, he was wondering similar things. Only he acted on it, and slept around.
So at the age of 32, I was single and dating again.
Oh my it was wonderful. To be free.
Marrying at your age rarely works. Who you are in you late teens and early 20's is not the same person as you hit 30. The term "sowing your wild oats" is true. You need to travel, meet different people, explore the world before you commit to a life you may regret in the future.
Instead of thinking about marriage, why don't you make plans to travel together.
Also, its socially respectable to marry in your late 20's at least. I remember at my wedding this unspoken feeling that everyone thought we were doing the wrong thing. It felt awkward. It was like we were playing at being grown up.
I'm engaged now to the most wonderful man, and about to be married in May. It feels completely different. Its the way its supposed to be.
Don't be in a hurry to grow up. Waiting till your late 20's is an insurance policy against divorce, it will definitely increase your chances of success and a happy life.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu  +, writes (3 December 2007):
 Why rush into anything your young you have your whole life to get engaged and married, things change when you get older he wants to wait because its the right thing to do its best to take things slow and have a short engagement because when you have a long one it gets boring you could be engaged for 10 years and the excitement of getting married would have worn off ages ago. Just be happy to have a loving boyfriend who wants to marry you but who wants to wait for the right time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2007): Believe me, he still loves you, dear. But you can't make him propose if he doesn't want to. And why would you want that, knowing he's done this just to appease you. You want him to 'want this' too, don't you. Sounds like he's come to his senses, is all and so should you. What is the big dash for the altar..all about? Do you think it's possible that he's been talking to people close to him, like his parents, or someone who knows what it takes to make marriage and family work. It sure sounds like he's been 'clued in'..and he's matured and is finding out that in order to be married, he must have a career, which entails a good education to provide a wife/family, a good life. Also, MArriage is the healing balm for many teen girls..a way to get out of Mom and Da's house, away from the family rules and structure. Is this you? if so, this is not the way to go about it. Growing into adulthood is a step by step process. Firstly, you have goals you want to aspire to. You begin at 17-18 to think about, develop and begin the process of creating your own independent life. Secondly, you get a good job and work at educating yourself re: college. Thirdly, you move away from your parental home and get your own place. You pay rent, you buy groceries, you cook, you clean, you pay your own bills, you buy a car. You pay for the licensing and insurance on that car. No handouts from Mom and Dad. Fourthly, you travel, make new friends, you relish and savor the freedom of youth. This is what young folks your age, should be focused on.
And if you love this guy, you will want that very same thing for him...the opportunity to build his own life and future. Hun, as far as marriage goes, which seems to be the starry eyed fantasy of all teen girls, I have one thing to say. There is a world of difference between loving someone and loving the 'dream' (dream=marriage) And if 'needing' that dream is to be an emotional 'fix', then you are thinking of marriage for all the wrong reasons. Marriage is something you want, when the time is right, not something you need. If it'ssomething you need, then it's all about 'just you'. And that is so unfair to him. Stop looking at marriage as a way to bail on life and the hard work YOU have to do to accomplish something...all on your own. And remember, you want this guy to eventually 'share' your life...so stop putting all your own personal value and worth, on whether he's asked you to marry him or not. Build your pown life, empower your own future and then when the day comes for you both to get married, you'll both combine two awesome, successful lives to become one. And the best feeling is, you go into a marriage as an equal, and only because you WANT this marriage...NOT needing it so you can have a life. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (3 December 2007):
 You are in such a hurry to frow up - how come?
Okay, so he loves you, but you get engaged now and he will stray because every single man and women has to experiment and have different partners before settling down, because the human nature causes us to be inquizative and we want to decide what is right for us.
He may love you, but sometimes, love is mistaken for lust and i just think, you need to take things at a slower pace, staying together but with an open mind that one day you might want to experiment because at 17, you don't know half the things you think you do, without sounding inpolite, i just think you need to enjoy each other for the time being and see how things go.
best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (3 December 2007):
Why would him proposing to you allow you to 'start your lives together'? That's a strange thing to say. Surely you've already started your lives together? You've been going out nearly a year. That's a year of having your lives together. Getting married doesn't magically change anything, you're still just the same two people afterwards.
You probably don't want to hear this but you are MUCH too young to be getting married. There is no hurry, just be together and have fun. Don't even start thinking of marriage 'til you both reach at least your twenties. Forget about marriage for now, and be happy you have a nice boyfriend. Marriage can wait for now, you have the rest of your lives.
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