A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do I miss someone who was abusive?I met this guy a few months ago. He came with a lot of "issues"---he was an ex-con, has multiple kids, possible anger issues. However, I try not to judge people, and when I first met him, I thought he was this really nice guy----but with some issues due to a really rough childhood.He chased me hard, AND, I was still getting over the end of the most serious relationship I had ever had thus far in my life. Plus, I was going through a lot of drama at work, and wanted to just escape from the stress at times.Well, during the space of one month, he went off on me twice---telling me to leave him alone. Every time I asked him what happened and why he changed his mind so quickly, he would give really weird reasons. Also, when I asked him a question, he would never answer, he would just tell me to leave him alone and to stop contacting him.He would do this, almost right after saying that he was falling in love with me, etc. He went off on me again, and this time threatened to call the police. Why? I don't know, as I hadn't called him excessively, or did anything that would warrant him taking it to that extreme. I think he was trying to scare me. I of course did not contact him as I felt he wasn't stable.He ended up contacting me after a month saying that he was very sorry how he treated me, he didn't know why he treated me the way he did, and that he missed me and thought of me every day.I knew I couldn't trust him and I thought I could just be friends with him, and while I did not talk to him like I did when we dated, there was some flirtation. It was weird because when I told him I was supportive of him dating other people, and that I was dating other people, he got really upset.I felt like he kept being mean to me....like, every time we talked, he seemed so irritated by me. I didn't understand. I eventually told him that I didn't feel he respected me and that maybe it is best we not be friends. He got upset. I was hoping he would apologize or explain how he felt. He didn't. He ended up telling me how he met a woman who made more money than I did. He didn't say it like that, but he made a point to make it clear that this person had a lot of money. He knows I have been struggling financially. We talked briefly, but in the space of just two days, I had sent him one text that was very nice, and he replied very angrily saying he had a girlfriend and that he was done with me. He then cursed at me, called me a foul name, and told me that I was stuck up and disgusted him.Rational thought tells me this guy is bad news, just wanted a place to stay and was upset he couldn't stay with me, and however nice he was at first, he didn't mean it and to just forget about him. The not so rational part of me keeps hoping he will explain what happened? Or at least tell me honestly if the whole thing was something he conjured up and if he ever felt as he said he did.I know I shouldn't contact him, and I am afraid he will go off on me again. He does have a history of domestic violence, though, he never displayed that around me. Why am I trying to seek closure with someone who is so mean?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your kind words.
I probably should read all of the books selected. I am obviously NOT doing a great job at picking good guys.
Part of it, honestly, is that I am not approached by hardly any men at all. Like, next to none. I am always initiating the meeting, ya know? Makes me feel like I am pursuing the relationship, and I am so tired of that.
Yeah, I do realize that I keep thinking that if I am nice enough, then the guy will like me. I know that isn't a good way to think. I also know that I am a pretty woman and eventually, I will meet a guy who likes me for who I am and who is NOT abusive. I am so tired of always doing more in a relationship, and meeting guys who say one thing, do another. Sigh. I just feel so tired from it all.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Probably because you are tryng to rewrite your history. There may have been other occasions and situations in your past and in your childhood where you have been made feel as you feel now- insecure, taken aback ,rejected. In other instances, that perhaps now you don't even consciously rembember, your love and devotion may have met with actual or perceived aggression, put downs, criticism and overall rejection, leaving you with a damaged self esteem.
And now you look for chances to make it right : this times , you feel, it will be different. This time , if you tough it out, if you are good enough, the story will have a happy ending and you'll get the love and approval you yearn for.
Only, as you have seen and as the rational part of you knows, it never goes this way, and you are left with the need for a closure that you can't have .... because it's not even about HIM - a guy that rationally you recognize as an unstable , abusive jerk.
Another book that may give you food for thought is : "Women who love too much " by Robin Norwod.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do think it is a bruised ego. I think I just feel silly for maybe believing what he said, and yeah, I feel like I looked past his faults, but, he found so many faults in me to pick on. I feel silly about the whole thing. All I can is just focus on improving myself and being stronger, so I don't attract men like him. I don't think I chose him, I think he was the only guy interested in me in a long time, to be honest. It hurts because after he would go off for no reason, he would then say he was afraid of having feelings for me. Maybe that is just an old line that guys use?
Yeah, I guess I am feeling low because I accepted him for who he is as a person, and he made me feel like I am not acceptable for anyone. Again, I realize this is what people who are abusive do. I just don't see why he chose to treat me that way.
I will just take a while to focus on myself and get myself together and maybe when I am feeling better, I will attract better people.
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A
female
reader, Empowering +, writes (27 February 2011):
My therapist recommended two books that have helped so much:
Why Is Always About You by Sandy Hotchkiss and James F. Masterson
and
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor Payson.
Both books opened my eyes to the narcissist in my life and why, as a codependent, I could not let him go.
Try to find a good therapist who specializes Narcissistic Personality Disorder individuals.
You get a hug from me. The Self-Centered Sops find the Givers.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (27 February 2011):
 Dear lady, you are not a naive young girl anymore. So you should have known better then to get mixed up with an ex con with domestic violence in his background.
And you are never going to get closure form this man. Why? Because an ex con doesn't think and feel the same way you do. He operates on a lower level of evolution that is based purely on the basic needs of survival.
Now I am not saying all ex cons are bad people but this guy
seems pretty scary to me. He may have already been damaged goods before he went to jail. The majority of people locked up for serious crimes have some sort of mental problems that's often why they get into trouble in the first place.
So trying to understand him and why he says or does anything is nothing but an exercise in frustration and a huge waste of your time.
I think it would be a better use of your time to figure you why you were attracted to a guy like him in the first place. A woman with a healthy self esteem would never have gone near this guy in the first place, let alone still be sitting there wondering about him and why it went wrong. You should be grateful he left when he did without causing you too much damage or requiring a P F A.
Maybe that's the answer to your question...
Could it be that you ego took a blow when you got dumped by a low life ex-con?
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