A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:dear cupidmy boyfriend of three years is hardly ever afecionate with me.he told me he doesn't like public displays of affection and that he has never been very romantic etc...however i found out about four months ago that he used to be romantic, affectionate etc with his ex girlfriend who he was with for five years.the way i found out was through a mutual friend who told me about how he used to send her sweet messages over IM and text and how he would always compliment her and tell everyone how beautiful she was and how they had pet names for eachother. this mutual friend only told me this because i wanted to know what he was like in his ex relationships.anyway i sometimes think i was a rebound...they broke up on bad circumsatnces i think and we got together three months after they split up...i jst want to know what in of reasons there might be for his behaviour?i'm getting increasingly jealous of his ex and whenever i bring the subject of him not being affectionate enough he just says i want too much out of the relationship and that he's never been romantic/affectionate with another girlfriend before and that i should accept him the way he is...but now i know that he was with his ex i am really worried.plus i found out that some of the things he does and says to me he used to do with her and its eating me up.please help because it has got to points where i've ben ready to leave him through thinking he doesn't care for me as much as i do him...and i really don't want to leave him because i love him and want to spend the rest of ylife with him
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for your advice
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (17 September 2009):
 I see the issue here very clearly.
Your boyfriend is still heartbroken from his prior relationship.
The natural defense of a massive breakup such as the one you described, is to very carefully measure or dial-back the amount of emotional energy and commitment given to the new girlfriend or spouse.
Simply put he's trying to protect himself from what he feels may be another breakup, and another heartbreak.
Please understand that this is not your fault. Its either his conscious or unconscious decision to control the amount of emotional commitment he's willing to give you because of his fears.
The only thing you can do with him is to build trust. In other words he needs to feel very secure knowing that you are truly committed to him and the likelihood of a breakup is less than the likelihood that he can be safe and open up to you, the way he did with the other girl.
When someone is suffering like this, you're competing with his emotions dedicated to the other girl, the ones harmed, and his emotions directed towards you.
This interferes with building up acceptance and opening up for you as his new girlfriend. It may take a great deal of commitment from you to him.
One of the things you can do is try and start your affections in private with him. Holding his hand in a private place, or sitting next to him and holding him, cuddling etc.
The more he gets used to the affection you show him, the more you can build up his trust so that he doesn't feel you might hurt him if he begins showing you affection the way you need it.
You can gently and lovingly explain to him that you have needs, as a woman, to feel his affection, warmth and love in the form of all the little things that we call intimacy.
With that intimacy, you can make deeper emotional connections. And that will probably let him open up more.
The other thing is that he's still reeling from his breakup with the ex-girlfriend. If you are willing to look beyond your jealousy of her, and instead open up to him and tell him how important he is to you, you may be able to get him to trust you enough to help him open his heart and let you help him heal over that breakup.
That takes a great deal of emotional strength on your part as you cannot in any way judge her or him. What you want to do is help him let the pain of that breakup out so that he's safe in your arms, with his hand in yours, and your gaze into his eyes.
Right now, he's insecure and its being caused by the exact thing that you're jealous of. If you lose that and are forgiving and supportive, the ex girlfriend and her baggage will dissipate from his heart. In time she'll mean practically nothing to him in terms of emotional value.
Remember that he has stayed with you. If he's come to see you as loving you, and receiving your love and affection, then he can let himself open up and accept you more.
That's all. Its just a little mind block on his part left over from his breakup.
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