A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. I know things change as you become more comfortable with each other, but it seems he has totally changed!He was the type of boyfriend that if I told him to jump, he would say how high. If I got frustrated during an arguement over the phone and hung up, he would keep calling back until I picked up.I told him to be a bit stronger, not to be my door mat.We broke up for 10 days, he got drunk and we had a huge arguement and he did and said some very hurtful things.Now I feel like the doormat - I initiated us getting back together, I still felt hurt but I felt like I was falling in love with him and I didn't want to not be with him.So lately, although I'm not acting like a doormat, sometimes I feel like he is treating me like one.He doesn't seem as interested anymore, it's a bit hold and cold, one day he's so into me and all over me, the next he seems uninterested in being involved in my life with my family/friends etc.He snaps at me more easier now - before he was too scared to in case I broke up with him or something (his ex was really nasty to him and played alot of mind games so I think he was insecure because of that). He's hung up on me a few times - he's just doing things that he didn't do before and I'm finding it hard to deal with!How do I handle this?
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 My apologies if I appear to be abit harsh.
You wanted him to be strong and he has swung to the other extreme.
I hope he will swing back and find the equilibrium.
He has grown up and you need to accept reality.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Stayc :o)
Laura1318 - you've got the wrong end of the stick. I didn't treat himlike a doormat, he was acting like one though. I always told him I didn't like him being so soft, I wanted someone who would stand up to me etc, I've always liked independant guys.
Your response was a little harsh. I've seen people get messed around by people quite clearly playing games with people who are more insecure/vulnerable/sensitive than themselves and it makes me angry. I'm not that kind of person at all.
Just my problem is, he's gone too far the other way. When I told him to be stronger, he's now taking advantage of ME, having shown my vulnerable side to him. It feels like he is playing the games I have seen other play.
Maybe that just tells me all I need to know really. I would just really like to know what happened to the sweet, caring boyfriend I once had.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Same thing I went through. My boyfriend was so sweet and would never argue, called me back if I hung up, etc. I broke up with him for a few days, not sure why cause it was over something stupid, probably cause I liked how much he missed me and the drama of it all (I was younger). So I missed him of course and we got back together. It felt like I was the one who cared more now because I initiated the getting back together. This is most likely what you are feeling. You are the one who wanted the relationship back together so now you are the one who cares more/feels like a doormat. The fact that you are in love with him makes you more vulnerable. He may know this. Maybe he really lost interest after you broke up with him and realized he was being too easy- This is what I think it is. Now it is more like you have to play by his terms because he knows how deeply you care about him and that he can act how he wants, you will still be there. Which in turn makes you stick around cause for some reason we are so attracted to someone who is kind of mean or non caring. So then it hurts more and you just keep saying he changed. Well he won't go back to being a doormat. My relationship like this ended up being a break-up, get back together deal. He would do it and I would call and call hoping he would change his mind. He had all the control, whereas before I had it. Be stronger. Don't call him back when he hangs up on you. If you feel like he is uninterested at a certain point in time, don't get clingy and ask why, go on with your business hanging out with friends or family. You don't need to break up, just show that you don't need him like he thinks you do. Hopefully both of you will stay at an even level this way and not feel like one cares more than the other. If you keep chasing him that is why you are going to feel like a doormat. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (11 May 2008):
What goes around ,comes around.
How do you feel when the shoe is on the other side?
It is pay back time .
Grin and bear with it.
The chickens are coming home to roast.
God is always fair.
What you can do is to turn yourself into an angel for him.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 May 2008):
 Very difficult question. You have produced a significant and everlasting change in this man. He used to be a doormat, and would have been one for anyone, but now he has changed his mind and realized it doesn't have to be that way. He will never go back to his old self. We could say he has opened his eyes.
I also have bad news for you: maybe he is wondering whether he should stay with you or not. I'm not sure what the result of that will be. If he finds someone who treats him with respect, that is, someone who won't abuse him, he might just leave you.
You can't "handle" the situation if by "handle" you understand managing him like you used to be able to, or his going back to a sort of relationship you used to have. You will need to adapt to his change. This is a new situation, and one in which you have baggage: you need to prove to him that staying with you is worth trying.
If you want to stay with him, you will have to learn to act in an absolutely different manner. What exactly you will do, only you can tell.
I wish you success.
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