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female
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anonymous
writes: I never flat out told my ex that I was going to break up with him if he kept on being abusive. But, after trying to break up with him many times I finally did. Throughout our relationship and even after I told him that it was because he was emotionally abusive and disrepsectful (not respecting my wish to not smoke or drink or have sex) to name a few. He was so controlling and manipulative and basically physically abusive by the end, but my question is, should I have given him ultimatums throughout the relationship saying that if he didn't stop being abusive I would leave? Because anytime I said he was emotionally abusive he would deny it and turn around and say I was! Would it have been pointless to tell him and see if he could change? Everytime I broke up I didn't flat out say it was because he was abusive, but shouldn't he have understood that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): Leopards never change their spots, so just be glad you have got away. I wasnt so lucky. I was married to a wife beater for a lot of years and just couldnt get away. One day i just walked out with the kids and never went back. Stop beating yourself up and move on into the future, dont look back. There was nothing you could of done, so be grateful you are out of that crap.
take care
xx
A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (22 January 2008):
 You left, your now free to move on with your life and meet an decent guy. This man has alot of problems that he needs to sort out by himself. Forget about him and move on
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female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (22 January 2008):
 I can totally relate to your plight! I have been with my b/f for 3 years, all of which time I have put up with his verbal abuse. He is hot-headed, loses his temper easily and often, and yells at me, calls me names, says things like "Shut the f*** up!" or just says "F*** You!" when he's angry. Of course, after his blow up, he usually comes to his senses and apologizes and is really sweet and caring until the next outburst. I know at some point I will probably end up breaking up with him because I get so exhausted trying to keep him happy. But it's his sweet side that gives me hope and keeps me hanging on. My b/f has never been physically abusive -- though I wonder if he will at some point. That would seal the deal if he did. I have suggested to him to do Anger Management classes but he has yet to bother. So I signed him up for an anger mangement newsletter that hits his email box once a month. I think he reads them, but I haven't seen any changes. I believe my b/f's problem stems from the way he was raised. I never met his Dad, but I think he was a hot-head who ruled the house with an iron fist and everyone jumped to keep him happy. Since my b/f was the oldest, that's where his Dad's fist usually landed first. It sort of makes me feel sorry for him, and this also keeps me there when I know I am not getting the respect and caring I deserve. My b/f also has alot of anger issues which stem from previous relationships, bad choices, and I think a general lack of respect for women. He also had an ex-wife who committed suicide and he lives with alot of guilt over that. Luckily they were not still together and she had long since remarried, but I think he still wonders if he wouldn've worked harder to make their relationship work out, she might not have killed herself later. Who knows, but I think it's part of the anger baggage he carries around. I try to be sympathetic and see the world through his pain but I worry at some point, I will just fall out of love and become worn out. I do think when that day comes, I will give him an ultimatum and if the problem persists, I will leave with a clear conscience. I think you're battling guilt -- like it's somehow your fault that your b/f is like this -- that's part of the head games they play with us -- they make us feel responsible for their outbursts but we both know better. So therefore, you feel like if only, if only, if only you could've done this, or that, he might've changed. I don't think that's the case. My b/f has had many relationships prior to me, and I don't think any of them could handle him, or keep him happy for long so they left. I truly don't want to be just another woman who leaves his life, but I know I have to also think about myself. And you do too. So don't feel guilty. Just be strong and know there's a wonderful guy out there for you. Good luck.
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (22 January 2008):
 P.p.s. "Wold he have changed?"
I very much doubt it. SOunds like there are a lot of issues there. The only way there's even the slightest chance he'll change is by realising it himself.
The very fact he is in denial about his behaviour and turns it round onto you would suggest he's not interested in changing. As far as he's concerned you're the one with the "problem" so why should he change?
Best of luck :)
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (22 January 2008):
"Should I have given him ultimatums throughout the relationship saying that if he didn't stop being abusive I would leave?"
Of course. You need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you're not prepared to put up with it. There's 2 things he can do;
a) stop it (if he's capable of doing so) or;
b) carry on
If it carries on then you have no choice but to leave for YOUR own sake.
"anytime I said he was emotionally abusive he would deny it and turn around and say I was!"
Sounds to me like this is his defense mechanism in action; deny it and twist round so it's your fault. This way he doesn't have to take any responsibility. Don't believe a word of it! I was in a similar relationship myself and left in the end.
Cut all contact and move on. You're better off out of it and deserve someone better who treats you with respect.
P.s. Take a look at an article I wrote to share what I found worked for me when dealing with a breakup:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-to-get-over-your-ex.html
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male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (22 January 2008):
 An Abusive relationship it much like being an Alcoholic.
You keep going back thiking next time it'll different.
what happens when you're an Alcoholic and you drink?
Excatly the same as what happens to someone who goes back to an abusive relationship. you think next time it will be different.
But it never is.
move on. don't waste you time. life to too precious.
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