A
male
age
41-50,
*aniel76
writes:My girlfriend says she has fallen out of love with me. What is my best way to get her back?We met when she was over visiting a friend. She kept coming back to see me and then moved over here to be with me as we had so much in common and we were in love with each other. Over the past several months though we have broken up 3 times. Each time was done by me because we kept arguing and I freaked out (I have never been in a long term relationship and believed this wasn't working). After each break up we were back together shortly but after the 3rd break up we agreed we would do a few things together that we had booked already like go to Paris and London. She had booked to visit me in London when we were together and still came up and stayed with me. I loved being with her and she is very touchy-feely so one minute I would be close to her and then the next minute I would remember we had broken up and I was scared I was leading her on so would be a bit stand offish. Obviously this was sending out mixed signals. I came home and she stayed in London a little longer for health reasons. We kept in touch throughout Xmas and New Year but then she said she was having dinner with a friend from here who I knew fancied her. She said it wasnt a date but then afterwards I found out they had kissed that night. I had been assuming that when she returned we would get back together as usual but as I am not very good at expressing my feelings I never told her this. So now I was afraid I would lose her and told her I wanted to get back together. She just said I was jealous and I would mess her around again. Apparently she had thought I was the one and after our last break up she was absolutley heartbroken. She has since returned and we have had some contact but I have told her how I feel and that I love her but she says she does not love me anymore and that I have tainted her and she will never again have feelings for me. I know she is stubborn by nature but I am absolutely heartbroken and devastated, especially as she is dating this other guy now. I want her back so much it hurts. My life has never been so empty and I never knew how much I loved her and miss her until now. I just wish I had told her earlier as she says she may have taken me back. I think that she is blocking me out because she has kissed another guy and does not trust me not to mess her around again. What can I do? Shall I stay in contact with her casually as friends? What is the best way to give her a chance to find her love for me again? Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): You're very welcome, really glad to have helped. Lots of good luck to you and the special lady in your life, she is very lucky to have someone who cares enough to fight this hard for her. xx
A
male
reader, Daniel76 +, writes (24 January 2008):
Daniel76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for replying. To the 2nd responder, thanks but I do lover her and I'm not going to give up because she is worth fighting for. To the 1st responser, you are a star, thank you so much for your answer. I'm glad it is long-winded!! That has been a great help and has put things clearer for me. It was bickering arguments, nothing fundamental, and now I have lost her I am clearer than ever about how I feel for her. It has been 3 weeks since she returned and I still feel I want to be with her so know I do not want her back out of jealousy. Thank you so much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): Hi, sorry to hear that things aren't going well at the minute. Having been in a relationship that was quite similar I do understand how difficult a situation like this can be. My advice is quite long winded, but I hope it helps. First of all, I would say don’t panic thinking you've lost her and take a step back to think about things.
You say that you were arguing a lot, I would have a good think about what these arguments were about and how frequent they were. In my relationship we argued an awful lot about things that, looking back, weren't big issues. Were they very serious, or things that looking back you were overreacting about? You blame yourself for freaking out, but I think maybe this is oversimplifying things. I'd really consider why you broke up several times, and honestly ask yourself: was this a happy relationship?
I think it is unfair to suggest that you would "mess" her around. What is clear is that you both have very strong feelings for each other. But I would be wary about jumping straight back into a relationship with her, even if that were possible. A bit of time and space to really consider what you both want sounds like a very positive thing at this stage. She may be right in that sense, getting straight back together now may not be best for the relationship, and the uncertainty you felt before may crop back up. Time apart to work out what you really want can only strengthen your relationship if you do decide to get back together.
I wouldn't worry about this new guy. After a breakup like this, I have kissed a friend in some kind of vain effort to feel good about myself. In the scheme of things, I don't think her kissing this guy is what's having a major impact on her feelings. This sounds very much like a rebound kiss.
In my relationship, we both felt as strongly as you describe about each other after the split, and it is heart-wrenching to be apart. But after a time, it has become clear to me that the relationship was problematic and we weren't very well suited as a couple long term, even though I still love him to pieces. We are now very good friends. My current relationship is different, and I did not think it possible but I do love my boyfriend more than I did my ex, and stress, frequent arguments and breakups aren't ever an issue. I'd really think about your compatibility, as I have found that being deeply in love with someone doesn't always mean you are compatible in a long term relationship with them.
Everyone argues, you need to ask whether this is normal bickering or a more fundamental problem. If you truly believe that the relationship is what you want, can work and will make you happy - then absolutely go for it. But be very careful how you approach it.
I would ask to talk to your ex. Explain to her very clearly, without losing control emotionally, how much you do love her, and that losing her has made you realise just how much you can't live without her. Tell her that you understand that she would be reluctant to trust you, that you were confused and didn't appreciate what you had. MOST IMPORTANTLY that you want to spend some time apart to really think about why you acted that way in the first place and prove to her that you are 100% serious about wanting her back, so that she can trust that you will NEVER behave that way again. Tell her you understand that it's your behaviour that's caused her to feel unable to trust you, not any other man that she may have kissed, and that you want to prove to her she is the most important thing in your life. You don't necessarily have to completely cut her out of your life during that time, but keep the contact platonic and to a minimum while you think things out. If you can’t stand to be apart for so long, maybe spend a bit of time with her as friends with a ground rule that you don’t bring up relationship issues at all.
If she truly loves you, after you've had time and are sure of what you want, I have no doubt that she will take you back. A gesture like this will prove that you are sincere in your promise not to repeat what you did before, and allow her to trust you again. If she really has fallen out of love with you (which I doubt) then you will at least have treated her with the respect she deserves and done everything you can to prove the sincerity of your feelings.
I wish you every happiness, sorry to give such a long response!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): OK Buddy your not going to like this much but I say let her go if shes yours she will come back if not she never was, Cliché yes but probably true. I really don't think you do love her I belive that now she's moved on you want her back but love is a strong emotion and if you truly did love her you'd have treated her like gold and not messed her about so much. I say let her get on with her life and you move forward and when you meet 'The One' learn from this relationship and treat her better.
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