A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 25, and before we got married I told my husband I wanted to try for a baby.. Well, I got off the pill but we werent trying but if it happened it happened.. Then we discussed after we got married we would try for a baby.. he promised me, we would try then i would track my ovulation, etc.. well then he had problems of where he couldnt ejaculate sometimes.. and made an appt for the doctor to see whats wrong which is next month(were in the military). The problem is yesterday he told me he wanted to wait to have a baby, till were situated.. whatever.. That crushed me because I have had this nagging feeling for a year now.. He broke his promise to me in the beginning. I feel like he's taking away my dream and want, because he feels were not ready. I think also it's because of his dad told him we should wait too. We argued all last nite, now I'm avoiding, the fact that he can't support me in my want makes me sick to my stomach. I feel so betrayed. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for ur advice...the problem i had with nagging him was bc he seemed so on the fence about it..He said he wasnt ready to try but it was okay if i was still off birth control then it happens hes okay with it. Which just added to my pissed offness and confusion..The thing that hurt the most was he drove up my hopes and let them drop..but I do understand u cant force someone to be ready when theyre not
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 July 2010):
 You are still really quite young so there is no real reason to pressure your husband so much into having a child. When you get to 30, yes that is the time to start worrying about the old biological clock. But right now, aged 25 - you still have plenty of time.
I can understand that you are disappointed because he has broken a promise, and I think you need to sit down and talk to him about this. Tell him you are not trying to make him do something he doesnt want to do, but the most hurtful part to you is that he broke his promise and has gone back on his word. Dont shout at him or get angry - just explain how you feel and why this has upset you so much.
Then you need to work out a compromise. You want a baby now, he does not. Therefore you have to find the middle ground. You cannot force someone to be ready to be a parent, just because you are ready does not mean your husband automatically has to be ready too. Surely you want to bring a child into a happy family where both parents are excited about the baby, rather than the father dreading the arrival and feeling totally unprepared to be a dad? I think it is very important you stop thinking about what YOU WANT, and start thinking about what is best for the child. And you will realise, a happy mum and dad is much more important than having a baby right now just because you want one.
I dont agree with him breaking his promise, that is totally wrong. He should have never agreed to it in the first place if he is not ready. But still, I dont agree with you trying to push him into this and making him feel guilty for telling you how he feels. If he is not ready then he is not ready - it does not mean he will never be ready for a child, it just means now is not the right time for him.
So as I said before - you need to compromise. You are still young enough to easily have a child and an uncomplicated pregnancy (fingers crossed) so time is not really an issue. So you want a baby asap, whereas he does not. So how to find the middle ground - ask him what situation he feels you need to be in before you can have a child. Ask him to make a list of everything he wants to be "right" in his/your life before he wants to start trying. Then from this list you can pretty much work out how long that will take before you get to that point, and what you need to do to get to this "ideal situation" of his. It might turn out it will only take about a year, in which case waiting a year is not so bad. If it looks like it is going to be 10 years, that is when you need to tell him that unfortunately you do have a biological clock and do not want to risk your own health or the childs health by having a baby late on in your 30's. So he needs to re-evaluate his list and pull out the things that he can do without and dont have a major impact on his readiness for a child.
Some things, like owing a house, being settled in a permanent job etc are critical. Other things that he might want before having a child, like for example going to a certain country or climbing a mountain etc - those can be done with or without a child so they are not so important. So you both have to sit down together, calmly, and talk though what will make him feel "ready" and how you get to this point together.
Remember why you married him - you did not marry him just because he was going to give you a baby (and if it was that reason well he is just a glorified sperm donor and that is very wrong!). So look back to the reasons for marrying him, remember the love you have for each other and enjoy being a young, newly married couple. These should be the best years of your life, before the kids come along and you dont have any time for each other. So dont allow yourself to lose sight of why you married him, and the sancitity of marriage.
We all know marriage is about compromise, and there will be times when your marriage is very testing and hard work (like now). But this is what will make your marriage stronger, you need to learn to be calm and communicate better. Arguing is not going to get you anywhere, so you need to work out a plan and set some goals and targets to get you both to the right place so you will be ready for kids.
And everything Sweet-thing said is true - the more you go on about how much you "want" this and how it is your "dream" the more you are going to push him away. Consider what he wants for a second, he is not your sperm donor, he is going to be a father one day and that is a big deal. So let him take a bit of time to get ready, there is no harm in that.
So have your calm conversation together about it, make a list of things you need to sort in your life so he will feel more on the way to being "ready". Then dont talk about babies and pregnancy again, chill out a little bit and once you have backed down and turned into his lovely wife again instead of crazy baby lady, then he might start to feel better about the whole idea of being a dad.
Men hate nagging, and the more you go on about it the more he will go in the other direction. So have your last conversation about it where you both get to say how you feel, and then leave it alone for a while. With a little bit of time and space I'm sure he will be "ready" sooner than you think.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (22 July 2010):
 Too much PRESSURE! If you want a baby, you have to stop talking about it, bugging, whining, pleading, begging, crying and nagging. No man could get an erection with that much pressure, especially if he's got reservations (and most men do). Your best bet is to put the whole ugly fight behind you, start behaving normal, loving and sweet. No more discussing the baby; don't talk about when you're ovulating, don't mark big sex dates on the calendar in RED, just live your life together and do the things you want to do together and believe me if you've stopped taking the pill it'll happen when the time is right and it'll be a wonderful surprise for both of you. The more you push, the more he pulls away. And no man wants to feel he's only needed for his sperm. Make him feel loved regardless and once the pressure is off, it'll happen and I would be willing to bet once he's over the shock of the news, he'll be thrilled.
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