A
female
age
36-40,
*X Missin Ma Baby XX
writes:I have a friend with benefits for over four years. One day he told me that he will soon get tired of my body. i have been waiting for him to get tired of my body for the last three years but he just keeps coming back for more. I am tired of him but i am afraid to end the relationship because i want him to get sex when he wants it. He kinda expects it from me right now and if i dont give it to him he gets angry and pressures me until i give in. what ca i do. and p.s its not that easy to just end the relationship that has been going on for years.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Darling, it sounds as if he already has your heart. Think of it this way, hun, every time you have sex with someone, you are giving away a little piece of your soul to that person. The reason your self esteem is low, as you put it, is because you have been giving yourself away and allowing him to treat you as an object. I know it's hard to hear dearie, but you're his sex toy, and he knows it. The only way out of this situation is to cut him off cold turkey, and let him know why and that you're a person and don't want to be used as an object for him to selfishly pleasure himself with. If you want to have any kind of good relationship with this guy, he needs to respect you first as the beautiful and lovely young woman that you are.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Take it one step at a time and hang in there.
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A
female
reader, XX Missin Ma Baby XX +, writes (24 March 2008):
XX Missin Ma Baby XX is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for all the replies. I cannot say that i will just go and break up with him because i have tried that already and i was back in the same situation in just a short while, but i will try my best to tell him no when he asks me or sex. I do have a very low self esteem and i do not think that i really worth that much more. but i will try my best. Thanks again
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Missing Ma Baby,
It is sad that a young woman like yourself thinks that no one can ever love her. That is simply not true. Your father was a bad man, but that doesn't mean every man will be like that. And I see you need a lot of affection, but don't want to risk getting your heart broken, so you settle for much, much less. This man isn't giving you friendship or affection; he isn't even giving you respect. And you're settling for it because you think you can't do it any better.
You need to stand up for yourself, dear Baby. You're a human being with a lot of value and you deserve respect and love. You can get that from a man if you begin by respecting your own self and demanding fair treatment. You have a long life to live and it would be indeed very sad if you just gave up the idea that someone could, say, kiss you passionately at least once in your lifetime, or make wild love to you because you make him lose his mind. Or someone could feel like spending his life with you because you rock his world. Don't give up just now, dear. You need to say "no", now, and that won't make you a rude person.
It will take you a long time, but, if you start with baby steps, you will build yourself up. Start by saying no to this man. Be bold, and you'll make it. If you start now, one day you will look behind and you will be happy with yourself, for all you will have accomplished.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (24 March 2008):
 In some olden society , the men use a utensil shaped like a
tea pot when they want to urinate at night without going to
the toilet.
You are like that utensil.
He will use you till it is broken and then he will get a new one.
You served only one purpose and what do you get in return?
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A
male
reader, BadVoice  +, writes (24 March 2008):
Ah baby girl.....don't feel that way. Never allow a man to use your body just because. I wrote to you earlier, but I did not know about your abusisive household with your father and mother. NEVER ever allow this to continue with this man. Just say no and move on to other friends...if you don't have any....then try to do things that will better yourself. If you have to constantly give up sex to make a friend, then that person is not your friend. I wish you lived here in the states, then I could help you better, but plese, please please.....Just so no from now on.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (24 March 2008):
Don't you just hate being right sometimes. Read the post, thought, "mmm, likely somekind of problem growing up giving her a distorted view of male/female relations" and voila, there is the update.
Father who was abusive towards mother.
Monkey see, monkey do. But we aren't monkey's. Indeed we are not, we are even more vulnreable to being emotionally crippled.
You have been raised with the view of your father as the totalitarian dictator who controlled your mother. Deep down, that is how you expect relationships to be.
You are dealing with it in away, reasoning that if he only uses your body that is alright because he can't hurt your heart. It doesn't work like that. If nothing else while you are with this man you won't find anyone else. Your heart is involved else you wouldn't be asking for help and worsed of all, this relationship is re-inforcing your warped view of male/female relations.
Girls want to marry a man like their father. An old saying and it has a lot of truth in it.
How bad is this current relationship? You say it is friends with benefits. Sorry, no. This man is no friend of yours. A friend wouldn't say what he says, wouldn't get angry and wouldn't pressure you. He uses you as a sextoy, nothing more.
Friends with benefits is more good friends who are there for each other and decide that since neither are involved and people need intimacy to be available FOR EACH OTHER.
"i kinda feel that its better for him to use my body cause he'll never get my herat."
This shows just how twisted this relation is. Friends don't use each other. He has no right too and you have no obligation to him.
It would be best to break this relationship off, completly, not just the sex but end this fake friendship. That may be very hard, there most likely is a dependency going on.
You also need to seek out help. Right now your relationship would qualify as domestic violence. (Being afraid of saying no to sex etc)
Don't stay in this, he won't get tired of your body because he has you at his beg and call. Even if he looses intrest for a year, he will be back and you know it and will be his slave. You need to get out, don't be afraid or ashamed to seek help, you are not the only one who this has happened too.
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A
male
reader, Sir Chaos +, writes (24 March 2008):
Are you serious? No, its really not that hard. This isnt even a real relationship or healthy for that matter. You are letting yourself get used for sex to please this schmo? Get some self confidence. Why on earth would you want to allow yourself to be treated that way? Just tell him its over and move on to someone who will actually treat you like a decent human being.
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A
female
reader, XX Missin Ma Baby XX +, writes (24 March 2008):
XX Missin Ma Baby XX is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok firstly danielepew i think that's so cute but i am a shy person and i dont really want to be rude to him.
he has never threatned me or anything. but you are right if we are just friends with benefits i can end it at anytime, but i have gotten accustomed to just going over whenevr he calls me for sex and just doing it and act like nothing has happened. i am kinda afraid that no man will love me because i am from a home where my father physically abused my mom so i guess i kinda feel that its better for him to use my body cause he'll never get my herat.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 March 2008):
Missin Ma Baby, I think I detect something wrong here.
1) He tells you that he will keep coming "until he gets tired of your body"
2) You say you've been waiting for that to happen, and you openly say you're tired of him.
3) Yet you also say that you want him to find sex whenever he wants it, and that makes you "afraid" of leaving him.
What gives?
Dear, is there anything you're not telling us, about violence, or threats, or whatever? There must be a deeper reason why you're afraid of him.
He is not "using your body". Your body isn't something you own; your body is your self, dear. It's not like he borrowed your bike. He's abusing you, and you're letting him.
From what you say, you're friends with benefits. That means you should be able to stop giving "the benefits" whenever you wanted. If you can't tell him no, something is the serious matter here. I smell violence.
If I were you, I would tell him right away that it's over because you're tired of his body. And stand your ground. I have a feeling that you need serious help with this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): How old are you really? He wants to use your body until he gets sick of it. Er, wake up! Have some self respect and boot this loser to the kerb.
take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I know what you mean by this, hun. I really can't say much except maybe you might ask if he is looking for anyone in 'place' of you right now. If he says no, I guess you don't have to wait long. If he says no, ask him why. Subtly encourage him to find another woman.
You say that you are nervous because you don't want him without? He probably will not be without for long. Men like that usually end up getting what they want (pressuring) until they step on the wrong girls' foot and get in trouble.
Good luck!
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