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female
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*jil
writes: My boyfriend is a touchy-feely person, I am not. It's been relatively ok, because we haven't been in a relationship too long, but now that we've passed the 10 month mark, it's starting to get somewhat problematic. Touch is a big thing for him. He needs it to feel loved. I, on the other hand, don't even hug my family members. He gets tons more physical affection from me than anyone else, but it's not quite enough to satisfy him; I feel he touches me too much and too often. I need my space. It's how I am, and I don't know why. I do my best to remember to touch him whenver I can, wether I'm flirting with him, or just talking, or whatever. I found out it's not quite enough for him, but I can't think of anything else to do. Touch is very important and natural for him. He doesn't quite understand my need for space, and he touches me often, before he thinks about it. He knows it bothers me, and does his best to not touch me but it still happens too often for my comfort. Does anyone have suggestions as to how I can learn to be more touchy, and to feel more comfortable with him touching me? He doesn't touch me in a sexual way too much, and I do want to enjoy him touching me more than I do, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how.Also, is there any way I can help him think before he touches me, or learn to touch me less?
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (25 November 2005):
He isnt going to change and neither are you, if you can expect eachother the way you BOTH are then the relationship wont work. Its in your genes to not be touchy feely and its in his genes to be touchy feely. There isnt alot you can do to change this. Explain to him that just because you dont touch him all the time doesnt mean that love him any less its just the way that you are and you wont and cant be changed. If you feel you need some space then have 1 or 2 days a week to spend on your own, this way when he does touch you, you will probably appreciate it a little more and it wont just feel like he is invading your space. He isnt going to change, im sorry but you will just have to deal with it. Good luck :-)
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female
reader, Sharoney +, writes (25 November 2005):
I think perhaps the other anonymous answer to your question is a little harsh! You are not abnormal. Everyone is different. I know how you feel. I love my man to pieces but when it comes to being touched, sometimes I think aah get off, leave me alone! But I am like this for a reason, anorexia has led me to feel repulsed by my body, sometimes I cannot bear to be touched or seen.
Perhaps there is a reason why you back off?
Sometimes constant groping can make you feel like a piece of meat. Perhaps you were brought up in a strict family where affection wasnt expressed with cuddles and now this is un-natural to you.
Dont do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, he wouldn't want you to just do things that you dont want to. But it's also wrong to try and change him, you are who you are and he is who he is. You can't mould a person to be who you want them to be, they will be miserable and repressed. Its good that you can talk to him about it, but ultimately you need to find out the reasons why you need so much space. Are you sure you love him or do you view him as more than a friend?
Touching and physical affection is a normal part of most relationships, I am learning that it IS nice and it IS pleasurable. I am so glad that I am learning! you need to confront your reasons for not wanting it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2005): My God, now you want him to have your problem? Please, get professional help. If you really want a boyfriend, it is normal to want to be intimate with him. It is not normal to be doing what you are doing now. Of course, you are not going to have the same kind of intimacies with your own family members as you would have with a lover, but to tell him he can't touch you is just wrong. Get help, before he leaves you in total dispare. And, don't ruin him. There are thousands of women out there who would love to have him as their lover. You can change, and you will be happier for doing so.
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