A
female
age
,
*trawblondefox
writes:I need some honest advice about if I am being selfish and unfair to allow my man to accept a job where he will be traveling 8 to 10 at a time?After a almost 30 terrible years of being married, I finally got to courage to leave and find a better life for myself. After several years I found the man of my dreams and fell deeply in love with him. This man is my world. He was divored after 22 years of marriage as well. I am a very old fashioned lady with good morals. Even though it was against my morals, I moved in with him after being together for 6 months. We have now been living together for over 2 years. Yes I want to be his wife and I am very humiliated every time he introduces me or speaks of me as his girlfriend. It may be 2007 but to me, it is not acceptable to live together without being married. He says he is in no hurry to get married. He had a huge amount of debt when I met him and I was fully aware of that fact. That does not make me love him any less. There are a lot of things more important to me than money and material things. A job opportunity has arisen that may help him clear up some of the debt that he owes. I have always told him right from the beginning that I was looking for a man that would be there for me whenever I needed him. He currently works overnight 2 nights a week and I accepted that even though I hated it. When he first started discussing this new job, he said that he would have to travel 3 or 4 days a week. Even though I did not like that idea at all, I was willing to accept it but also explained to him that I felt we should make the committment. Now as more details of the job comes out, the truth is that he will be gone for 8 to 10 days sometimes even 2 weeks at a time. This is the normal time frame not just a one time thing. Even though the money sounds good, there are more important things than the money. He has not even made an attempt at making a committment but continues to pursue this other job. Now he expects me to accept it and I am having a hard time with that. Yes it will help correct the debit problem that he has but what about the time that I will be alone? I didn't get into this relationship to be alone. I feel that a job that requires you to be gone is for a single person not for someone in a serious relationship. Please help me view this from all aspects. Thank you for your help.
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female
reader, cd206 +, writes (6 March 2007):
 You know what then? Tell him that but maybe not quite in those words.... something along the lines of
"You taking this new job makes me feel uneasy about our relationship. I totally understand your reasons for taking it because it really is a quick way to get rid of your debts but it just seems like us should be the most important thing. Would you consider maybe looking for a job closer to home?"
At least if you say that you'll know whether his reasons for taking the job are really money or something else.
CD
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (6 March 2007):
You know what then? Tell him that but maybe not quite in those words.... something along the lines of
"You taking this new job makes me feel uneasy about our relationship. I totally understand your reasons for taking it because it really is a quick way to get rid of your debts but it just seems like us should be the most important thing. Would you consider maybe looking for a job closer to home?"
At least if you say that you'll know whether his reasons for taking the job are really money or something else.
CD
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (6 March 2007):
You know what then? Tell him that but maybe not quite in those words.... something along the lines of
"You taking this new job makes me feel uneasy about our relationship. I totally understand your reasons for taking it because it really is a quick way to get rid of your debts but it just seems like us should be the most important thing. Would you consider maybe looking for a job closer to home?"
At least if you say that you'll know whether his reasons for taking the job are really money or something else.
CD
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A
female
reader, strawblondefox +, writes (6 March 2007):
strawblondefox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your advice and that does help me a lot. It is very true that I cannot let him do anything, I can only let myself accept this or not. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. The bottom line is I guess that I know deep down that this could mean the end even though I don't want it to be. the way that I see it is this, if he was truely wanting to make me happy and he was truely happy, a job being away from me would be out of the question for whatever the reason was.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Hi,
I really feel your pain, I have made many sacrifices for my family and husband during the course of his thirty year career. This past year alone he has travelled over 150,000 miles by air. We have lived overseas for nine years and I am in my third country. Our kids went to foreign schools and my son even did boarding one year (so I had to let him go a year before I would have liked). I felt that we were building something together that was worth making sacrifices for, building a family together. You may feel differently about this because of all the sacrifices that you made in your previous relationship. You also sounded very strongly about the fact that you are not married, perhaps it would be easier to bear his absences if you were married? Perhaps a compromise would be an engagement? Would that kind of promise help you to bear the absences? He IS being responsible to take on a job to alleviate the debt he has accumulated, so you have to be supportive in this and give the man credit. Also, it might be better if you did not marry until his debt was under control. Do you really want to be legally responsible for half of his debt? Money isn't important until you don't have it - money is very practical. It is also one of the biggest things that couples fight and divorce over, so it is an issue that can't be swept under the rug. I am in the same age group, so I can understand how you wanted to finally relax and enjoy your time together with this man you love after struggling for so long in your previous relationship. Can you travel with him on occasion? This would help a bit. I don't know if anything I have written is helpful to you, but I thought that having lived with an frequently absent spouse could give a few insights. In the last part of your letter, it sounded like you feel all of the compromises that are being made are on your part. You need to ask for him to give you reasons to make these compromises on his behalf, and only you can decide if the relationship is worth making them. Good Luck and I hope this helped in some small way. I really do feel for you.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (6 March 2007):
First off I'm a little concerned by your use of allowing him to take the job. Ultimately it will be his decision to make and you can't allow him or tell him to take this job. I would be more inclined to take it from the point of view of telling him that you understand it's a great opportunity but you don't want him out of your life for such long periods of time. If the debit problem is all there is it seems to me he wouldn't find it that hard to find a job that doesn't involve him travelling but if he's dead set on this job then your decision isn't whether to allow him to take the job or not but whether you can be with him in this situation and, unfortunately nobody can make that decision for you.
CD
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