A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:we've been together for 3 years 4 months. living together for a year and 9 months out of that and supposed to be planing our wedding. thing is he cheated on me from december till february. we lost a baby in november 2005 and well of course it was very hard on me. he's saying that i shut him out and was no longer fun to be around. i told him that was his baby i was greiving he should have been there for me. i mean it would have been her first christmas how was i supposed to be all happy and cheerful?i knew the exact moment he got involved with this girl i confronted him the same night and told him he was cheating on me which of course he denied. it hurts that he went to someone else. it hurts that we were having all these arguements and he never broke it off with her. he says he tried but she kept calling him but he went back! if you're trying to shake her why go back by her!!the string of lies he told me to cover what he was doing hurts and stupid as it is i still love him and wish our relationship could work out. i'm not even 100% sure why i'm posting this to be honest. i just want someone to tell me it can work if we're both committed to it.the girl knew about me from him and various sources so she's not entirely blameless in this whole thing. according to him they are over and he has nothing more to do with her and wants nothing to do with her.how do i know he won't again? how do i know that i won't wake up one morning hating him? we talk about it and how i feel concerning him and what he did but i don't tell him everything and inorder to make it work somethings i just have to let go of right?he was saying he don't think i'll ever trust him again and i told him not the way i did before i can't do that again but i have to. just for me to still be living with him and being in this relationship i have to. i have to trust that when she calls he does not answer i have to trust that when he says he's working that he's really there etc etc. he calls me during the day and i call him every so often .i'm afraid to go into town because the girl is there sometimes and she is a bit pyscho not to mention we think i'm pregnant again. so worse yet!i've demanded that he take a full std test and change his phone numbers.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): thanks alot for your response. um, we didn't plan this pregnancy (if it's there i have to wait a few more days to get accurate results) and it happened before i found for sure that he was sleeping with her. i honestly hadn't thought he slept with her i thought it was a "friendship" overstepping the bounds.
we both know that the trust of our relationship is shot to hell at this point. before that day this whole thing started i never thought he would cheat on me, it's a big part of why i even pursued a relationship with him in the first place.
when i found out i did go to my mum's for a few days to think it out. it's probably stupid of me but i want to be with him i want our relationship back on stable ground. right now it's all on a "my terms" kind of thing and i'm telling him i don't want a doormat yes i want you to know what you did was wrong and that you're sorry and make a real effort at us but i don't want someone who's jumping when i say boo.
i'm still asking myself if i can forgive this to be honest. but i won't be able to even start to relax until his numbers are changed
A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 I can understand you're hurting right now but the first thing I must ask is what is wise to get pregnant again so soon because you do have many issues with this man? Maybe, if you're not, it would be best to be careful for a while until things calm down and you're sure this is the man you want to be with.
I don't think you can ever get trust back as strong as it was before once you've been hurt. A one night stand is bad enough, and totally unforgiveable but a full on affair? No way! I think you need to decide whether you can live your life wondering where he is and who he's with. That's no life and no relationship, is it?
I can tell you're unhappy and hurting about many things at the moment and I think you need to spend some time alone away from him and decide what you really want. Can you forgive him? Can you build that trust back? Can you see him making you happy, as a husband should? If the answer to any of these is no, I think you need to wonder whether there is any future for you two.
Everyone finds it hard to forgive cheating, it's the worst thing anyone can do to a loving partner. And at the time you were grieving too, when you needed him most? It's appalling behaviour and, if you do take him back, I suggest you tell him just how much that hurt you. I hope, if you work things out, that he will be more supportive in the future when you go through something upsetting. He needs to grow up and learn to be a man.
I hope this has helped, I know you were looking for people to tell you it would be ok but I honestly don't believe it will. You need some time alone, definitely, you need to work things out on your own. You deserve to be happy and get over everything that's happened and, maybe, to do that, you need to find someone else. I don't know what to say really, only you know this man and only you know you: can you forgive this? I know I couldn't so take that time and find out before you take him back.
Good luck
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