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female
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anonymous
writes: I was dating a guy for nearly 4 months, we were very much in love, but had to go our separate ways for uni since he wasn't ready for a relationship.He wants to stay in contact, and one day meet up if there's still something between us. But I feel this is very unfair on me. He's telling me to go out and meet new people, yet doesn't like it when I say yes. He tells me don't be upset, yet seems annoyed when I'm not. I just don't know what to do because even though he's really hurt me, I can't bear the thought of hurting him and saying I think it's best we move on and leave things.Some advice would be great...
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (19 September 2005):
 It seems to me that this guy may not be very mature with his attitude to you and your life. He wasn't ready for a relationship before and when he suggests you meet someone else, he isn't too keen when you say you may. He is playing an emotional game with you; he basically doesn't wish for a relationship but he doesn't want you to have one with someone else. He has hurt you but you don't want to hurt him which shows greater maturity on your part.
You don't have to hurt him. Move on with your life and though you could still be friends with him, limit your contact with him a little and understand that he doesn't have to know what you are doing and who you are seeing. It really isn't his business.
Go out and have some fun and put him behind you. He wants you to be upset that you and he aren't together anymore in the hope that that will prevent you from seeing someone else. Don't let it. He is just holding out a carrot to you by saying that one day you could meet up; it is all on his terms and not what you really want.
Let him be and go out and do what you want. Make new friends and maybe find someone new. You don't have to flaunt it in his face but neither should you have to stay in and wait for that one day which could be far away for him.
Get out there and live a bit.
A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (19 September 2005):
You seem to already know the answer to your question. I'm not exactly sure what is keeping you in contact with this guy. Are you afraid to hurt his feelings? It can be very diffcult to draw away from a past lover. The emotional ties can be very strong.
Looking at it objectively, you were only together for a very short period. More likely you were in lust than in love, it simply felt like love. But the fact that he was unable to commit to you suggests that he is not ready, or mature enough, to commit to a relationship. I presume, by stating that "he's really hurt me" he was the one who made the decision to terminate the relationship?
He hasn't offered you any commitment, yet he is still acting as if you owe him something. It is obviously upsetting you, him still being in your life. It seems that he's keeping you in reserve until he decides what he wants.
If this relationship is hurting you, then I think it is wise to cut ties with him. Then you can truly get on with life, and enjoy what will be a wonderful period in your life. You shouldn't feel any emotional obligations towards him, he cannot or will not give you what you desire, so you cannot be expected to wait around for him forever.
All the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2005): I think you should pull back and view the big picture... it's better to be honest now, when he has already been the one to initiate your split, don't you think?? It sounds like you are either dancing around his ego or trying to spare yourself guilty feelings, neither of which you deserve to have! Be honest, be true to yourself, and the rest will take care of itself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2005): You know what you have to do, and yes you are right. Move on and have a great life, he will be ready to have a relationship when he finds the right girl. The pain is less if you be honest now, he is confusing you and you believe the right thing is to move on. Good luck and know that you are worth nothing short of awesome!
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