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female
,
anonymous
writes: I'm an emotional wreck! I am 47, divorced and have been seeing someone for a little over a year. He is 44, never married, but lived with someone for 9 yrs, he has been on his own for 6yrs. He stated from the beginning that he did not want a relationship, as time went on, our feelings grew for one another, but he said his feelings were not as deep as mine. He recently started a new job and friends, our time has almost diminished. Lately he has only been calling at the last minute when he wants to see me and if I get upset and tell him that it's a booty call, he says "no it's not, that he wanted to see me". We've discussed remaining only friends, since he doesn't want a relationship, but he wants a committed sexual relationship. What do I do? I'm feeling used.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 September 2005):
 Well, I'd say that's because he's using you.
On some level he knows that your feelings for him are deeper than his for you, and because he knows that you're waiting for him, he's using you as a back-up for when his other plans fall through. From what you've written, you mightn't be strictly a booty call, but you're surely second choice.
That doesn't mean he's a total jerk, but it does mean that he'll take whatever you're prepared to give, whether that's a date at short notice, sex, or just companionship.
This guy isn't the one for you, if you're looking for commitment and caring. He seems more concerned with himself and his own good time. The fact that you're there in the background, waiting to drop your plans at a moment's notice just for him, must be a tremendous ego boost for him. Even so, it's not doing much for you.
You need to pull away and recognise that this is not a balanced or healthy relationship. If you can be friends, so be it, but don't let him pressure you into a committed sexual relationship with him, if he can't be arsed to even see you regularly! That hardly sounds fair and equitable, when you think about it, does it?
If "he doesn't want a relationship", as he's said, then sadly for you, you're wasting your time by waiting around, and by being available to him sexually. He's getting everything he wants and you're getting nothing you want. Stick around with him, and that's the way you can count on things being, forever.
Take care of your own needs first! Think about what's important to you in a loving relationship. Is it the sex? The companionship? The friendship? The intellectual sharing? Then ask yourself how much of it this man is providing. From there, I think you'll see things approximately the way I'm seeing them, and you can make your choice about what to do accordingly.
Good luck.
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