A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:PLEASE help me! My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years now. He is 36 and I'm almost 28. He has two children from a previous marriage, and I've never been married although I have been in serious relationships before. He and I get along incredibly! We love each other very much and have so much in common. We share goals, ambitions and more and have similar values. He has all of the characteristics I want in a partner. We are ready to move to the next step (me moving in with him)but we don't want to take that step unless we are fairly sure that we see an engagement and marriage in our future. However we have two problems, both are big, but they are the ONLY problems we've had. We never even fight! 1) He didn't foresee any other children in his life, and I haven't had the chance to have any, so I definitely want one with whoever I marry, and I hope it is with him. He's already an amazing, involved dad with his two children. He feels like he's getting too old to raise children and he doesn't know if he has it in him to "start over" again. I'd only want one of my own if it was with him, b/c he already has two 2)He has always dreamed about moving to Colorado one day and I'm extremely close to my family and friends here where I live (my hometown in Missouri). I always thought that I'd move there when we got older one day but we were talking the other day and he said something about moving when he retires at 50! Well I'd only be 42 years old! First of all, I don't know anyone able to retire at 50, I always assumed he would be 65 retiring and I don't want to take our child out of school! Plus I just don't know if I'll feel ready to move away from my friends and family and all I've known here. I understand that he has no strings where we live, b/c he has a small family and little friends here. What should we do?! We've been going back and forth on this issue for months and I don't want to change how I feel about having a child and staying where I've always wanted to. But I also don't want him to lose out on a great move to somewhere he's always dreamed of going to.
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female
reader, cheekyfriday  +, writes (10 November 2010):
hi it looks like you have the tricky cirle of going around in cirles.
I have been where you are with the exception of moving. I totally understand how you wouldn't want to move.
You a) want a baby of your own, and b) want to live where you are already. He doesn't want any more children of his own and b) wants to move where he will be happy, his probably timing it so his now child is older.
Seriously, you already know what you want. It seems to me that only pain will give you the answer to this question as you know it is breaking up with each other. Friends, hum, not so easy considering your new man might be very jealous, and your now man probably will be too hurt to keep contact with you and a new flame.
If you get along so fantastically you would not be facing this right now. Yeap he has most definately been hurt and thank you for confirming the ex's role in the past relationship, however do not make excuses for him because you love him. You have to think about you right now. This is your ONLY LIFE in the body you are in now, remember that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. I really appreciate it, it helps to have an outside opinion. I feel like him and I are so wrapped up in this situation, and have been for years, that I am starting to lose it. I can't see past it or even think about anything else and we've both been really down lately about it.
First, I would never let myself get pregnant without first being married and secondly making sure it was what we BOTH wanted. That would put me into more of a mess than I'm already in. But I agree, that it isn't fair that he seems to be using his fear of what happened in his first marriage/divorce to predict what may happen in our's. His first wife wasn't very hands-on at all, and he was the only parent working, leaving all of the financial responsibilites on his shoulders. He was tremendously stressed out and wasn't treated like he should have been. I feel that he is afraid of another divorce and going through all of the hard things that go along with it including more child support if we did have a child. He also seems to be afraid that having another kid would result in him "giving up" 18 more years of his life and putting off his Colorado dream among other things. In his past marriage he had to put off his goals b/c of the kids (but also b/c his wife at the time put her dreams ahead of his). I am NOTHING like her. I treat him with respect and support. He is my best friend and we love being together. How can I get him to see that a child with me would be nothing like what he went through before?
Jmtmj, to be honest, I think it WOULD be a deal-breaker for me if he doesn't want to have any more children or if he absolutely wants to move to CO that soon. I feel horrible saying that but I really do feel that I need to stick with my gut in that and be honest. I am normally the one who "gives in" in relationships, and I really want to give him what he wants-he deserves that! But I just want to be happy too. I told him, he shouldn't have to give up what he wants, and that there is nothing wrong with his dream of Colorado and not wanting more children. That may just be that him and I aren't meant to be in a relationship. Maybe just a friendship.
Help!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (6 November 2010):
 In response to CheekyFriday:
For the love of God, do not just "fall pregnant" without consulting with him. That's one of the cruelest thigns you can do to a man, a child, and yourself.
And don't characterize this as just a hangup - what if your positions were reversed, and *you* had as many kids as you wanted, but the guy was pressuring you into it? Worse, what if he replaced your birth control with placebos, without telling you?
If you have to break up, then do it, but don't go forcing anything. And at least try to talk to him first.
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A
female
reader, cheekyfriday +, writes (6 November 2010):
If you want a baby and he does not, he is not accomodating you. Leave him, trial a break up, if you cant live without him and are prepared to live life around him go back.
You could always just fall pregnant like the massive number of women that fall pregnant without their partner approving. In your case, its not your fault he has hang ups with his last relationship that he stops you from having a child. Personally i'd never stay with a man that doesn't want my baby.
I think you already know the answer to this question.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (6 November 2010):
 I'll keep it short and simple. Assume that you can't change him and that he won't budge on this issue.
Though it isn't your ideal scenario- its the most realistic one... You wouldn't like it- but would you still be with him if it turned out that way? Or would it be a deal-breaker?
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (5 November 2010):
I believe the "move to Colorado" dream can be put off for the time being - though, if he can afford to retire at 50, he must be damn good with money, especially with a divorce and two kids. It's the sort of thign I think he'd compromise on, but the answer would be dependent on how the other dispute goes.
As for the kids, that's the sort of thing men generally know better than to compromise on. Every additional child means at least another 18 years of hard work to raise, as far as a father is concerned. Not to mention all the extra love, time, and attention.
This is the sort of thing you would have to be absolutely reasonable about. That means promising to go back to work and chip in for the kid, promising your new child will not displace his older two, the works. Getting emotional or worked up about it will only convince him he is right not to want any more.
Even then, even if you do everything right, he may still say no. Having no children of your own may simply be the price of admission for being with this guy. If that's the case, you'll have to decide if it's worth it to you.
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