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female
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anonymous
writes: Married for 24 years my husband files divorce on me explaining he is "transgendered" and wants to live his life as a woman. He expresses he is not gay, but I find him flirting with men on the internet, and showing himself off in his female underware. He says he loves me and stays with me but tries to control me when i tell him I do not approve of his grooming other relationships. We do not have intimacy because I cannot trust him, and we are not married and this is his excuess to be on the porn sites. I dont understand why I cannot tell him to leave, or if I should. I dont have always enjoyed his company, but his company entails interests I dont agree to. What is wrong with me?Jan
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female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (11 January 2006):
Dont put yourself down. His transvestism wasnt apparent when you first met so dont feel its something yousaid or he eat or whatever little theories you have in your mind. Its inherrent in his genes and have come out now that he has reached a certain age and wants to come out.
Get in touch with a Transgender society who will advise you on how to handle the situation/what to expect and what to do about the future.You need the support of professionals knowledgable in that field.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006): Jan, there is nothing wrong with you. Firstly, you need to quit being so hard on yourself, hun. Next, yes.. you tell him to leave (preferably) or...you can strike out on your own. His "transgendering" was unexpected, so why do you feel like you have to carry the burden, of how this event has affected your life? your marriage? your happiness? This is his choice to live this way. This was something you least expected to happen, when you entered into marriage to this man, 24 years ago. You likely had dreams of retiring with him and growing old together. But now..you are divorced, so start living your own life. You can think about remaining friends with him or breaking it off completely..but start making your own happiness. Get proactive and begin taking steps in that direction today, hun. Take care and good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006): The ultimate decision is up to you, but he's flirting with men,which is cheating,he not ultimatly loyal to you, so why should he control you and expect you to be loyal to him?You are not a lesbian so why live like ones life style. so the question is not only do you want to put up with this strange new life style, do you want to put up with him cheating, or worse maybe enven bringing men home.
You cannot tell him to leave because you love, or rather loved who he used to be. He is a new person, not who he was. You shouldn't have to put up with his new interests that you don't agree with, perhaps it would be better to cut ties and move on to find someone with interests you can agree on.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 January 2006):
 What's "wrong" with you? Only that you're normal, and you're having difficulty adjusting to the fact that your husband of 24 years now tells you that he is a woman inside. I don't think there could be a bigger shock for a married person and I can only try to imagine the upheaval your lives are going through.
Stepping away from your question for a moment, I recommend that, because you love him, you try to remind yourself that your husband didn't do this to hurt you and that you imagine how difficult his life must have been, feeling for all these years that he was the wrong sex, and yet trying to make it work. It must have been supremely difficult to admit how he felt, even though he must have known that it would send you reeling and harm your relationship. I feel for both of you.
You can't change what he feels, and for that reason alone, it seems evident that your marriage to him is over. However, this experience has happened to other people too, and many have come through it and out the other side with helpful stories to tell. Just by Googling the phrase "spouse of transgender", I found dozens of links to people who've been through this. It isn't much, but it might help to know that other women (and men) have endured what you are now.
Maybe by looking into this (and can I suggest speaking to a professional about the way you're feeling? It's a big burden, carrying all this alone) you can understand why you don't have the conviction to ask him to leave. My personal feeling is that you still love him, and by stalling on making this choice, you're unconsciously trying to give him time to change his mind about his being a woman and go back to being who he was.
Again, dear, I feel for what a very difficult time and situation this is for you. Perhaps by looking into what other people have done in your situation, you can get some perspective on your own options.
Be strong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006): Girl it's not you believe that it's him if he's into something your not then you should get out of the relationship I don't see why a guy who say's he's not gay would like to dress up in women's clothing that right there is sure enuff sighn he is. I know it must be difficult and maybe he does love you but, he's probaly not in love with you I would move on and find someone who will be in love with you and not want to wear womens underwear that's just creepy! Good Luck!
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