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female
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*T
writes: My boyfriend of over a year has always teased about having a threesome with another women and keeps telling me that I would enjoy it. I have passed it off as a joke until recently when I asked him the same question that I have asked tons of times.....did is ex wife used to have threesomes....this time he answered, yes on occasion. My first reaction was "how can I compete with that?" and "No wonder you are divorced".I would always answer his prodding to be in a threesome as some things are better left to fantasy. I can honestly say that I have fantasized about it but that doesn't mean that I would do it. Part of what he is asking for is to not only have sex with another women, but to do it in front of me along with me having contact with the "women". I love him and I am not sure how to handle it. I have many female friends and plenty of them will get me in a lip lock especially after a few drinks and I actually don't think much of it..I don't want it to go farther and I really don't think my friends do either, it's more for shock value for the guys and to tease...What a can of worms we have opened with my boyfriend who has already experienced what I feel should have stayed a fantasy.I am not sure that two people can keep a healthy relationship with a threesome experience being an occasional thing they do..I am single and 37 and wouldn't really be so offended if I heard one on my single friends say that she or he had a threesome with two other willing adults..so why am I so shocked and can I do this?I would appreciate your thoughts.
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female
reader, Ahava +, writes (18 February 2006):
I think your instincts are correct. This is not a good thing for a mature and adult relationship. I don't judge promiscuity and having fun and safe sex, but a threesome is dangerous to your relationship. Sex is obviously about thrill seeking for him and not about love. You have no obligation to compete with his ex wife or do something you don't want to do. He is in a relationship with you and therefore sex with anyone else, whether you are there or not, is unacceptable. If you feel comfortable knowing your man is attracted to other women and you allow him to act on it, I don't think you're in a monogamous relationship.
A
female
reader, amandairene +, writes (18 February 2006):
Tell him you are interested in a threesome. No worries..but you want him and another man!! then watch his reaction! Sometimes he has to realise we just don't get what we want. And hoepfully wanting you in his life will bring him back from his fantasy. If you were considering it, i honestly think that perhaps you should get someone who is unknown to you both, that way you will never have to see the third part again, and no "Feelings" can develop or any miscommunication. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): Wonderful, sensible advice from the other two aunts on this page. I hope you are really considering to what they are saying. Hun, ask yourself, do you really want to share him with someone else? Your sound like you have a good head with some core values and ethical boundries. Judging by your letter..your thoughts, your instincts and feelings are telling you a 'clear message' about the demise of your relationship, if you ever did agree to this. Listen to that message, this is not what you want so stand your ground and be strong. You went into this relationship with the intent that you and this man are meant for each other, exclusively. Learn from what he's doing and understand the message he's giving you. Does 'exclusivity' look like, what he wants? I'm sure you never expected him to more or less say "Hun do you mind if I have sex with another woman, in the bed I share with you? You can watch if you like?" He's visualizing a happy little romp with both women attending to his every sexual wish and whim? I'm sure most guys do, but that's where this thought remains..in their heads. They usually keep it 'their' fantasy because their sense of committment to the woman they truely cherish and love kicks in and the subject is not brought up. You can stay with this selfish man who expects you to sacrifice a huge part of what good about your love for his own ends. Or you could decide that actually you don't want an uncommitted relationship with a man who has no concept of fidelity or committment. Wouldn't it make more sense to make a complete break and find someone who'll love you the way you want to be loved? Someone who is worthy of your love and what you can build together? Someone who respects your feelings and is open and honest? Stick to your guns and tell him the subject is closed and take some time to re-evaluate your relationship with this man. I wish you confidence in yourself and the strength not to put up with this. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): You already have your answer - it's in your question. You don't like the idea of it; you think it's something best left to fantasy.As it happens, I share your feelings on the subject - it's the kind of thing you do for fun, not involving someone you actually care about. My agreement, however, is completely irrelevant.The point is that you don't think it's a good idea, which means it emphatically is not a good idea for your relationship. Your bf's ex-wife is just that - an ex. There's nothing for you to compete with; that relationship already failed.And even if there were, sex that makes you uncomfortable is never the answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2006): You should not let anyone pressure you into doing anything you do not want to do ; sexually or otherwise; that is called bullying! And whatever you do , do not do anything to please your partner unless you are pleasing yourself first as this would only make you feel terrible afterwards and probably cause you to feel resentment towards your boyfriend.There are no rules when it comes to sex; you make your own and you do what makes you feel good ! A lot of couples have threesomes and a lot of others dont ; you've got to go with what works for you and turns you on ; and dont feel pressured into doing something you dont feel 100 per cent about. Listen to your gut feeling ; its usually right!Good luck!
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