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female
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anonymous
writes: Here's my problem....my boyfriend and I moved in together about a month ago. I changed states to move in w/ him... he wants to go out once a week with his friends to do something or other... and it bothers me because i dont think its necessary every single, especially since i am left alone when he does this. He is stubborn, he tells me to stop trying to change his mind because he wont. I'm pretty fed up. How do I get him to see that it is un-necessary to do this every single week... especially when he has some weekends alone because I go to visit my family. THanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006): Likewise i have been there too.My relationship is fairly new we are not in the moving in stage just yet but we did see each other virtually every minute we could and in the end it got to the stage where it became too much for me even though i love him to bits and felt i needed a bit of space to do my own things every so often because i felt it wasnt healthy on our relationship to be spending that amount of time together and i was afraid the relationship would eventually burn out.We have now started to do our own things a few times a week yes it was hard to do at first but it did make things a bit more exciting again as they say absence makes the heart grows fonder.And at the end of the day even though we are partners we are not joined at the hips we are 2 people who need to go and do our own things but that dont make our love for each other any less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2006): Likewise i have been there too.My relationship is fairly new we are not in the moving in stage just yet but we did see each other virtually every minute we could and in the end it got to the stage where it became too much for me even though i love him to bits and felt i needed a bit of space to do my own things every so often because i felt it wasnt healthy on our relationship to be spending that amount of time together and i was afraid the relationship would eventually burn out.We have now started to do our own things a few times a week yes it was hard to do at first but it did make things a bit more exciting again as they say absence makes the heart grows fonder.And at the end of the day even though we are partners we are not joined at the hips we are 2 people who need to go and do our own things but that dont make our love for each other any less.
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A
female
reader, Hopeful +, writes (11 May 2006):
 I understand how it can be frustrating and annoying but at the end of the day, your partner has to have time to himself and time with his mates.
It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. It just means that he likes to catch up with other people and so things by himself. That is completely normal and in a relationship, especially when two people live together, necessary.
In order for a relationship to work, there must be other things in each others lives - it might be friends, work, hobbies etc. Imagine how boring it would be to be with a partner 24 hours, 7 days a week and have no other outstide interests or outside contact. Most couples would end up killing each other in this situation!!! It is important to remember that there can be too much of a good thing.
I know that sometimes it can be hard especially if you have a jealous streak or anxiety about him being unfaithful etc but you need to put that aside because if you force him to be with you all day every day, he will become resentful and angry towards you and you really don't want that.
Why don't when he goes out on his "boys night" or whatever it is, why don't you organise a night out with your friends or take up a class like a yoga class or a painting or a dancing class so when he is out you are not sitting around worrying or feeling down.
It will also show him that you have things outside the relationship too and believe me you will begin to enjoy some "me" time in which you can catch up with mates or do something that interests you.
You will be a stronger couple if you allow him some freedom and trust him. He will respect and admire that and come home even more in love with you after hanging out with his mates.
You taking up some new hobby or spending more time with your friends will help too as he will see that you have a life outside the relationship and will enjoy seeing you happy and having new and exciting things to look forward to.
I know its hard but if you bar him from going out it will just cause more and more problems - it's easier and better for both of you to let him have some space sometimes - 1 night a week is not going to kill either of you and will probably make you stronger.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (11 May 2006):
 This is selfish and controlling behaviour on your part. Why don't you go out with your friends whilst he is out with his? It is not healthy to be so dependent on your BF as your sole sorce of human contact (bar your family) so lighten up. You do not *own* this guy and he should still ahve a life that doesn't involve you being there all the time!
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A
female
reader, lostgirl04  +, writes (11 May 2006):
 Hi. Well I think you may be overreacting. You are already living together so you're sharing a lot of time together. Let him go out with his friends and have fun! If he is ALWAYS with you he is going to get bored. If you were in your home town you would probably want to go out with your friends as well. Eventually you'll get used to the new state and maybe make some new friends of your own. Since he has his whole life there, you can't expect him to drop his friends just becuase you moved in. He needs to continue his rituals and outings. Be respectful of his feelings and don't be selfish. You have him for 6 days a week, let his friends have him for atleast one.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (10 May 2006):
 OK so you are into a new relationship of living with your b/f, I understand that you want to feel completely engrossed with one another but if you make a demand that he is not allowed to see his friends once a week, I think you are being unrealistic here.
Just because 2 people start living together does not mean that they should not continue to have friends outside of their relationship and also it is extremely healthy to do this.
The main thing that a lot of people tend to forget when they start living together is that the friends that they have had through their lives seem to get left by the wayside.
Having one night a week is not overly unreasonable.
OK so you feel very alone due to the fact that you have moved states and have no friends where you are living now.
Why don't you sit down calmly with your boyfriend and say perhaps once a fortnight instead so that you can work it around the weekends when you are away and then you are not left sitting at home alone.
I don't know how old both your boyfriend and yourself are but if you are still quite young you should have some time to yourselves alone/with friends.
It stimulates all sorts of conversations and your relationship is more likely to thrive on the time apart if you are only talking about one evening a week or fortnight.
If on the other hand you are suspicious of what your boyfriend is going to get up with his mates or you feel you can't trust him then that is a whole new ball game and you need to address your fears or insecurities on the subject.
You need to widen your circle of friends now that you have moved and explain this to your b/f fully. Perhaps join a gym or dance classes i.e. Salsa or something and try and do it on the agreed nights out so that you don't even have time to worry about being on your own. You may find that you love this time alone for you to do all manner of things.
When we get consumed into a relationship we end up really missing some ME time so don't knock it but try and relish it instead.
However you do need to talk it through more thoroughly as I strongly believe that relationships work when both parties can compromise amicably.
Let me know how things go eh!!
BFN
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A
female
reader, lissie +, writes (10 May 2006):
 my best advise to you is try and come to a arrangement that he goes when u go to see your family! but whatever you do DONT go on at him about it because he will do it more if u say he cant! xxxx gud luck xxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2006): i left when my husband was doing this. i didnt like it because i was afraid that he would cheat on me because there are all kinds of women at a bar. though i had no proof or rumors of him cheating on me, i left him for a couple of weeks and came home because he begged me back. but it wasn that easy. when i came home i gave him the silent treatment. since then he hasnt gone or even mentioned if he could go out with his buddies. he just stays home with me. you have to put your foot down. you can do the same. i lived very far away from my family also, but i was willing to go that far to knock some since into him. i hope this will help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2006): Don't be selfish and controlling. He is entitled to see his friends once a week. Why cant you go out with him?
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