A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiI have been in a relationship with a married co-worker for 18 months. We started off as friends and our relationship developed into love over a period of months. We have had many special times together and I love this man more than anyone I have ever loved. I am in a very unhappy marriage and so is he and we both have young children so feel obliged to stay with our husband/wife for the sake of our children.He has told me that he wants to give his marriage a go but wants to be my best friend. I am gutted. I have to see him every day at work and it is going to be torture. I have asked him if he will leave the company but he says no.I love him so much and I just don't think I can go back to just friendship. I can't go cold turkey because I have to see him everyday.He got me pregnant 12 months ago and I terminated and he promised to keep seeing me. I want to phone his wife and tell her what he has been doing. His life can just go back to normal...he has ruined mine.Please don't judge me...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I bet I know why he says he wants to remain friends. He's trying to hush you up so you don't rat on him to his wife that he's been having an affair.
See, if he just dumped you it would be expected that you would get angry and take revenge like a spurned lover by telling his wife and then he'll be in big trouble. For whatever reason he doesn't want to be divorced even though he obviously doesn't love his wife (if he did he wouldn't have had an affair). he is selfish for wanting to stay married when he doesn't love her.
I bet either his feelings for you faded so that's why he wants to end your affair, or maybe he's become tired of living the double life and is choosing to stay married for selfish reasons so that's why he broke up with you. And by saying he wants to remain best friends, this is his way of making it so that you don't tell on him and spoil his selfish plans.
He's just looking out for himself.
A
female
reader, KittenPaws +, writes (30 December 2010):
Maybe you need to think about what you really want?Ask yourself the following questions;1. Do you want to be with him not? No halfway adulterous sitting-on-the-fence answers. Simply; yes or no?-Is he worth hurting and leaving your whole family for? And if so, why have you prolonged hurting them without actually 'ripping off the plaster' and leaving?It strikes me that;-If you don't love him heart and soul, why would you devastate the integrity of your family and crush your husband to risk being with him?-But if you DO Love him (with a capital L) then you would have been no more than an occasional hobby to each other? Why would you let True Love exist as no more than a bit part in your life?2. If you found out that your husband was doing the same to you, and regretted not that he was hurting you so much as that the other lady was preventing him from continuing to deceive and to cheat on you?3. Consider that if, as the outcome of your question, you decide to try and make things work with your husband and your family, but that your lover then calls your husband and exposes the whole affair (without giving you the chance to come clean about it yourself). How would that make you feel towards your ex-lover?4. Finally, imagine that, that your husband had been the one committing the affair and that he was eventually forced to end it and then never even gave you the respect to tell you about it. How would you feel to later find out that he had allowed you to waste your life trusting him, whilst he lived and loved as he pleased?I think that you need to ask yourself what you really want to be, and what you want for yourself, for your husband, for your ex-'love' and for your family. Also, don't neglect the fact that one day you may be faced with having to explain all of this to your children. Imagine how they would feel to hear about what you are doing?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): How will I cope seeing him everyday?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Hi
I would just like to say thank you for all the people that have replied.. I feel so much better reading it from other peoples point of view.
A hard time of year.. A hard few months coming up..
Thank you :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): OP I recently wrote you a long response.
I want to add:
If telling his wife means that u get closure then tell her.
If telling his wife means that he gets out of his comfort zone then tell her.
If telling his wife means that he 'suffers' a bit then tell her.
Tell his wife all the gory details. Tell her you had an abortion. Tell her that you 2 planned a life together.
Tell her everything so that he has no opportunity to mess around with another woman.
Tell her everything and expect nothing in return.
If this is the closure you need then tell her. But do not wait on the side for your MM. Do not wait hoping he will run to you.
Yes u would have stooped to the lowest of the low but you will have extracted your revenge. And revenge is what u are seeking, isn't it?
Hell halt no fury like a woman scorned, these words are so apt in your case.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): well his wife does deserve to know the truth about her husband.....
but realize that if you tell her, he will hate you for it.
she will hate you too if you tell her. She will blame you for destroying her marriage. She may go mental on you like stalk you or whatnot. Do you really want to come face to face with the wife and tell her you have been sleeping with her husband? What do you think she will do to YOU?
just let him go back to his miserable marriage and suffer in his misery. Move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): You say plse do not judge you: those words are just a cop out!!!!!
This man wants to work on his marriage, stop pressurising him. He has made his intentions very clear and now you want to turn all nasty and phone his wife with the affair details. What do u hope to gain from this? That he will leave her fir you? He did not during the duration of the affair, he will not do so even if you spill the beans.
This is the price you pay for the affair. If your marriage is so bad then get out and start again. Right now u are incapable of functioning properly bec your only focus is this MM, perhaps it will be better to give your hb custody of the kids bec I think you will not be able to take care if them effectively.
Please find it in your heart to accept that your affair is OVER, telling his wife will only make him hate you.
From lovers to best friends. Never works my dear. The best is to cut off all ties with the MM. Although you both work at the same place you need to realise that work is work. No hanky panky there or else you can be in big sh1t with the bosses. It is unrealistic of you to suggest that he leaves your current place of employment.
You say no judgment but why are u not judging yourself for what u did and what u have become:
You are married, you feel nothing to cheat on your hb
You fell pregnant with your lovers baby and had an abortion
You continues the affair
You have been pressurising this man to leave his family
You cannot and will not accept that it is OVER
You now want to rat him out to his wife hoping that he will leave her for you.
Not only are you very bitter, you have become very selfish. Here is a man who is tired of sneaking around and wants out of the affair. But you want to cling on refusing to let him go. You had your fun for 18 months, the affair has run its course, it is time to move on. Hopefully you can .
When/when does this bitterness all end? It doesn't if you do not get your act together. It starts with asking your hb for a divorce. Changing your mind set. Its sad you are hurting what else did u expect from your affair. Two broken marriages and broken children? This mans marriage is not broken, he was merely in a rut and decided to seek attention elsewhere. He had his fun, he realises the affair is going nowhere and he wants out. Respect his decision, in the end that is all you can do.telling his wife what a bastard he is will solve nothing. It means u stoop low as well. Yes you want to make him suffer but fir what? You are an adult,no one forced you to have this affair. Get a grip on your emotions.
Move on, cry one last cry but its over!!!!
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): You want to phone his wife and tell her what he has been doing? He probably already told her or she already suspects it... and that's why he wants to end it with you.
Because he cares about you, he probably doesn't want to hurt you or make you feel small so he asks you to be his "best friend" as a form of consolation.
Men are not "best friends" with women...in particular, they are never "best friends" with women they are romantically involved with...he's hoping you don't go nuclear on him...it is kind of patronizing to offer that status to you as a consolation. He probably does care about you , but you should admit to yourself that he is picking a relationship with his wife over you.
If you can't deal with it, start looking for a new job and or a transfer.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (30 December 2010):
So both of you are cheating on your spouses and you're wondering why you just cant be happy together.
Finish what youve started before you move on to something else. What you're both doing is unfair, adulterous, and selfish.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): think of it this way: let's say he tries to work it out with his wife but because he still sees you every day at work and remaining in contact as 'best friends' he just can't get over you. Then from having 'tried' to make his marriage work it will prove to him that his marriage just won't work and maybe this will be his catalyst to get a divorce. (and I think for his poor wife's sake that is the better route for her as well since it's horrible to be cheated on or to have been cheated on)...
So, go along with being 'best friends'...put on your charm, show confidence, show that you have "moved on" from him and don't need him (nothing is more off putting than a needy clingy ex), remind him of all reasons he fell in love with you...but don't actually "do anything" with him other than being friends, don't ask for more, just keep it to work and then you take off and live your own life.....while he goes back to his wife at the end of the day and compares her to you, this is the wife he's always had baggage with from the start, and he's just seen you at work being charming and sweet....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I've been in your shoes so I can feel your pain.if you are mad at him and no longer want to have a relationship with him, then go ahead and agree to remain friends but refuse to engage anything more. Keep him at arm's length.his life cannot go back to normal because you can't work on your marriage while still seeing your affair partner even as a "friend" so I'm quite sure his marriage-rebuilding won't work. If he was truly serious about making his marriage work he would not want to stay friends with you he would cut off all contact with you. So no I don't think he'll succeed in making his marriage work since he's still wanting to have you in his life. he's just too weak to cut off ties with you which means he's too weak to actually do what it takes to make his marriage succeed.I think you should move on from him though, because he's weak and wishy washy and he has hurt you. Your relationship will not be a healthy one while you two are still married to other people. If you want to have real relationship, both of you will have to get divorced first. until that happens you're just going to be miserable. Since he doesn't want to get divorced, he's wasting your time.Agree to 'be friends' but in reality you do everything you can to avoid him and cut off contact with him. this way you're the one in control of your own life and emotions, not him. Also I would seriously examine your own marriage. I'm not going to lecture you on "working on your marriage" since having an affair is the symptom of huge existing problems in the marriage and I assume you have already tried to improve your marriage and failed which is why you fell into an affair. I know you have kids but ask yourself do you really want to stay in your unhappy marriage, with or without your affair partner around?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): "I am in a very unhappy marriage"Of course you are, both of you are.Is that because of you? You are cheating, right? What could your marriage be if you actually spent all that energy working on it with counseling, etc, or got out of it, got a clear head and were able to think about the kids and ex-husband more clearly perhaps.But, be honest with yourself, does cheating help any of this? What is cheating, that means that you are having the relationship in secret from your husband and he's not engaging in similar by mutual agreement.I'm not judging you, just the situation.You need professional counseling help, not an affair, and not random answers from people like me.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (29 December 2010):
I feel bad for you. I know those feelings. It's very hard. You could go to his wife, but what will that accomplish besides hurt some innocent people. Both of you have children. Why hurt them unnecessarily? Don't go the friend route. That's simply ridiculous. It's not realistic. You need to try and get away from this guy, and then address the issues in your own marriage. That may mean staying married and working on it, or divorcing your husband. Either way, you have a lot of work ahead of you. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): unfortunately I'm in the same boat. Im also married but separated, and dating a co worker for about sixteen months. Have gotten pregnant twice by my lover and terminated both.You have gotten yourself open and vulnerable to this man. Only becuz you fallen in love with him. It happens. What is the important thing to remember is that he is married and even if he is unhappy the fact remains he is not leaving his wife. Working with him is going to be hell. Why tell his wife, you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into. Now you must move past this and make save what left of your marriage. Should he call your husband? Look my lover vandalized my car at my husband house he taught me a pretty good lesson love hurts. But be a bigger person and move on.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (29 December 2010):
 The office romance has fizzled out im afraid by the sounds of it. I used to work in an office and saw many many scenarios like y ours. They don't intend leaving their wives, they just want a bit of fun and that sounds like what this is. He will never be your best friend and i'm thinking he only stretched the relationship out for fear of been discovered when you got pregnant, that could have been a wake up call for him and I'll bet he started to back off after that. Try to be strong, change your job if you can't bear to be near him now, things could get worse for you if you stay. When someone says they want to be just friends after a relationship, it is just a get out clause to end the relationship without upset, but that never works really.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I won't judge you for the affair, even though you're both married. I get that, because I've been there.
But what do you think you'll really solve by telling his wife? You say you love him, yet you're willing to destroy his life and the life of his children and wife? Is that how love works?
Instead, why not try being understanding and supportive? Let him go back to "work on it" with his wife and kids. It hasn't worked before, and he ended up seeing you for 18 months, you think it's suddenly going to get golden at his house? Chances are he'll realize again how much he doesn't like his wife, and how much he loves you, and come running back to his best friend - you.
You'd better think that through before you make a rash decision. You tell his wife about the affair and you will have permanently burned the bridge between him and you and you will never, ever have any chance of getting him back.
You decide: Have him as a best friend and hope he comes back around, or burn the bridge and destroy his life which result in him hating you eternally.
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