A
female
age
51-59,
*cho67
writes:I had a child with a married man. He has to pay child support and he wants me to drop child support because he doesn't want his wife to find out. He tell's me I need to do the right thing or he'll never see his child again (he only see's once a month). We still see each other only for sex, at first it was all the time now maybe once a month there is always an excuse with him. He tells me he loves me and if he left his wife would I marry him. I know he is only holding on to me because of child support, I just want to do the right thing for my child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): Okay so i will try and help a bit.
My advice would be take it to court.
My mom and biological father were married when they had me, but he was an ass and my mom left him.
She took it to court, got his parental rights taken away but still has to pay child support, which he refused to pay until they threatened to put him in jail. I'm 14 and can remember the times before they made him pay. Sometimes (im not saying you will be as far in the financial pit as my mom and i were but) child support can make all the difference. And I'm not meaning 'Oh i wish i had an x-box when i was younger' I'm meaning yeah! We get a house and food tonight!
So after telling you my story .... please take it to court.
Don't care about this guy's marriage it should be no concern for you, at the moment you and your child should be your concern.
Hope i helped.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Just curious, did you purposely get pregnant by the married guy? This has a very familiar ring, did you think by having his baby he'd leave his wife for you? Have you posted on this site previously about this? Pardon me if I'm wrong but I think you haven't told the whole story here.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 November 2009):
 This son needs an advocate. I would put it to you that a child might benefit from the absence of a man who believes in emotional blackmail, who apparently is a world-class liar and deceiver to boot. He wouldn't be the best example for a young, impressionable child. This boy deserves to have his financial needs met by the man who sired him--he should not be deprived just because someone is going to be embarrassed or upset.
See an attorney and make sure your son is fully protected under the law. The rest is emotional blackmail. Start documenting things now, so you have proof of this heinous threat if you ever need to produce it to the judge or to your boy.
Keep your focus on the boy, who cannot protect his own interests at this point. You would be remiss in the extreme to allow child support to be withdrawn.
Take care.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (24 November 2009):
 This: "he tells me that if he does have to keep paying support he will tell my son it was my fault that his father wasn't around" is emotional blackmail.
YOU should NEVER feel guilty for allowing this man to PAY for HIS son.
If he cannot be a man and stay around for his son because you want him to pay money for him then he's a fool. When your son is older he will realize that you, as his mother, did the right thing in getting him to pay - any child who's father decides not to see him just because he has to pay child support is a father not worth having IMO.
When your son grows up and his father tells him you were to blame for him not being around, he'll realize that his father was the one that screwed things up - even a child can understand when a parent is pulling strings and that is exactly what is happening here. He, the father, is pulling your strings and trying to make you feel bad so that he doesn't have to pay for his son and so that he can see him whenever he likes without having to pay for him!?!? Come on now - that's not right.
It should be that if he DOESN'T pay he SHOULDN'T be allowed to see his son!! It shouldn't be the other way around - it shouldn't be "drop the support or i'll never see him". What is the point in letting a father who won't pay for his son, see his son - what kind of example is that setting!?!?
Don't let this man walk all over you.
Stop sleeping with him, claim the support you're MORE THAN entitled to get for your son, who NEEDS that money for clothes, shoes, food etc, which the father SHOULD be paying!!
He wants you to stop support to save his own ass!!! What kind of a father is that!?!?
Get your distance, get your support, let him deal with the consequences of his stupidity. IF he is a father worthy of seeing his son, he'll eventually come around to the fact that he HAS to pay. IF he cares for his son AT ALL he'll COME AND VISIT even if he's paying - right now he's trying to geode you into playing by his rules. Don't let him.
Do what you have to do for you and your son. Everything else will follow.
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female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (23 November 2009):
 If your ex doesn’t want to be around for his child then he knows that you’ll have years in which to tell him the truth about why his dad wasn’t prepared to provide for him/ her anyway- because he resents paying child support and because he is concerned that his wife may find out that he is a liar and a cheat. Please don't fall for such pathetic low-life blackmailing. You hold all the cards anyway!! He is the one who has lies and cheating to cover up due to HIS affair and his child. He is obliged by law to pay child support for his child. This is not a favour to you; this is your child's legal entitlements. He hasn't got a leg to stand to stand on, so don't be weak to his 'preferences' not to pay, not to tell the truth, and not to see his child unless he can squirm his way out of paying legal contribution. Let him tell his wife himself if he wants to, but don’t sacrifice your child’s financial entitlement to save his bacon.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (23 November 2009):
 Echo...if you felt so bad about it then why do you continue to have sex with him? Why is it solely up to him to tell her? Now would be a great chance for you to force the issue by telling the wife.
And Anonymous...I know full well it takes two to tango. If you have read any of my posts you would know that. Obviously you haven't..so STFU!!!!!
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female
reader, echo67 +, writes (23 November 2009):
echo67 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've read all the answers from everyone.he does have a court order only until dec.1 because i was getting help through dss.i do feel bad for his wife and he should be the one to tell her.i just think about my son i want him to know his father and spend time with him.he say's my son is taking away from his family and that he can and will take care of him.but i know deep in my heart he won't because he does'nt want to take care of him now.he tells me that if he does have to keep paying support he will tell my son it was my fault that his father was'nt around.thank you
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reader, Share Bear +, writes (22 November 2009):
Hmm. So on the one hand, he is offering to leave his wife and marry you, yet... on the other hand he is concerned to stop child support payments in case she finds out?
Could he possibly be saying the former to keep you sleeping with him, and the latter to save some money?
And how does his 'threat' work? He's only interested to see his child if he doesn't have to pay anything towards the child's needs?
What a complete schmuck! Keep claiming the money you are entitled to for your child, but what on earth do you see in this man? Leave him to whatever mess of a marriage he is clinging on to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2009): Simmer down, GrimmReality.Remember it takes two to tango and she is not the only one to blame, i'm sure she has felt repercussions of these actions without needing to be insulted further when seeking advice.The man in question here is a coward. The wife should know. I don't think it's really your place to tell her, which is why you should be taking him to court, and killing two birds with one stone. But please stop Any and All sexual contact with him, as you must feel some empathy for what he did to his wife and you do not need that kind of man around.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (22 November 2009):
Thats what you get for screwing around with a married man, idiot....now you get to take him to court and go through some nasty public stuff. Now his wife will find out and rest assured he will want to move with you after she kicks him out because she should...so you get the full benefits!!!
Hope screwing a married man was a worth it!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): aha! i loved that previous post by g1605! awesome. I totally agree with them. and of course everyone else. Cut the sexual contact with him. continue with the child support and take him to court! he deserves it.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (21 November 2009):
 I think you probably know the answer already. YOu are having sex with a married man - he won't leave his wife and will tell you anything to keep you in his bed. I feel sorry for his wife. He could pay child maintenance privately to you without telling her or he could actually admit to having a child. He is a rubbish father if he doesn't wish to see his child or pay for the child. State clearly that he must pay and that you will seek enforcement in court. His decision to see or not see the child is irrelevant to the need to pay. There will come a time when the child is older and will ask questions about his father, your relationship with him and his wife. I think you should stop having sex with him as he thinks the intimate relationship is a way to manipulate you. Seek the advice of a family lawyer if he refuses to pay. Having a relationship with a married man represents a poor role-model for your child. If you cannot keep yourself from being tempted, think about how you will feel if in years to come your child takes a married lover thinking this is normal and acceptable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): What a manipulative man! He's trying to make you feel guilty for collecting financial support. This child is his responsibility. As painful as it might be, I also feel like his wife should know that he has another child. Don't support his cowardly behavior, he needs to take more responsibility for his actions!
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reader, PeanutButter +, writes (21 November 2009):
The right thing for your child is to keep the child support.
I know it must be a difficult situation for both you and he but the facts are the facts and his responsibility lies with the child.
You are entitled to that money for your child, which he and you both brought into this world. The fact that he was married and is still married to someone else makes absolutely no difference what so ever.
If you drop child support now, it would be very difficult to get it back in the future, when you might need it the most. If his wife finds out about the child then there will be consequences but your child didn't ask to be fathered by a married man and doesn't deserve not to be supported by him to protect his wife - if she finds out, so be it, he made his bed and you both need to lie in it.
My husband pays child support to his ex and it equates to almost 50% of his wage, we're currently living on half a wage between us and our son, she lives in luxury while we suffer. That being so, he gives her that money regardless because he feels the responsibility lies with him to pay for his son no matter how hard up that leaves us, and I agree.
It would be WONDERFUL for us to be able to afford our rent by getting her to drop the support, but that is just not practical for her, just as you dropping the support for this child because he a wife he's already cheated on and doesn't want to get caught.
If he gets caught in his lie, he needs to face the facts. You need to continue with the support, it is there for a very good reason.
Don't let him talk you into dropping it, not for any reason at all. He is responsible for that child.
Also, stop having sex with this man, you deserve better. What you've both done is wrong, but it's done. Support your child between you and keep it at that. Let him go and leave his lies to be dealt with in his own circle.
Best of luck xxx
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