A
male
age
30-35,
*tc65
writes:My boyfriend and I met each other about 5 months ago. In the time we have been with each other we have fallen deeply in love and have spent every free moment possible with one another. I truly and honestly believe that he is the one -- I had never believed that such a warm, loving, and basically complete man could ever exist. Through him, I have become a more proud and happy person while living the happiest time of my life. We lived together the past 2 or so months and I could have not been happier.In the last two weeks, he lost his job and has had other stresses complicating his life. His health has come into question and his ability to be happy without me became impossible. I have since found out that he was planning on leaving the state if he had not met me, all the way back in early September. I believe that a lot of the major stresses that have occurred have made him realize many things that have brought his future into focus. He decided that he would be taking a seasonal job in Florida in a month or two, and that it would be best that we break up to save us both the pain in the future.I cried for several days as I struggled to find answers. He had been telling me that he needed alone time for about a week but I did not realize that he really meant we needed to break up, so when he told me that, it was a huge surprise. Things have begun to come into focus for me after the initial shock, though I still feel empty. He feels he needs to go somewhere to be away from everything and find himself on his own. He feels that he needs to be able to be happy on his own. He also says that I need to start living the college social life instead of spending every moment with him or him and his friends, so that I can be happy on my own also.He says that while we are broken up and while he is in Florida, that I should go out and experience other things. He wants me to date other people. He has said that he is not looking for anyone else, and that he just needs to find himself. I have told him many times that I will not be able to bring myself to try other people when our relationship ended so abruptly. I have told him that I have no other choice but to wait for him to return. After knowing all of this, I proposed to him that after all of this happens and we figure things out for ourselves, we can get back together and start fresh and revitalized. However, I cannot get him to say that this is what he wants. I can see how much all of this hurts him but I cannot understand why he cannot bring himself to tell me this is what he wants. He is starting to become frustrated with me trying to "fix things that aren't broken". I just have no experience with this, and my unlimited desire for him leads me to try to give everything I have to help him and to make things work.I have already begun to change. I have realized that I have shut out an important aspect of my life, my friends, and have reached out to all of them and apologized. Also, one of the things he likes to do every once in a while is go to the club, but I have never danced before, so we never went. I didn't know this was such a problem until recently. Now that I have, I am going to have a friend teach me how to so I can make him happier.I think that's about the end of the story.What am I to do? I have given my boyfriend all of my heart, and we have had the best times of our lives together. I have looked for advice from every person I know. How should I go about this? What should be my mindset? Do you think he really wants to come back to me in the future but doesn't want me to wait around for him and (from his point of view) let valuable time from my life slip away due to waiting for him. I will not just mope around waiting for him, but all I want is for him to return to my life in the same capacity as it was before, only better. Nothing is wrong between us; I love and trust him with all that I have. He just wants to be friends now but I could not handle that for much more than the few months ahead.Please, if you could give me any advice you have concerning my situation, it is much appreciated, and I thank you in advance.
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female
reader, nailglitter18  +, writes (27 January 2008):
 You go, girl... Be strong. give him the space he needs. I know it's hard, what you're going through. Do point out to him that it's not really fair to you, either, the way he's doing this. It makes it hard to let go. A clean break is always better.
Take care... Things are always darkest before dawn.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 January 2008):
 I feel for you and I think you are doing the right thing.Sometimes, letting go is the best options even though it may break our heart. If he is yours, nothing will stop him from becoming yours.
Give him more space and you can be good friends always.
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A
male
reader, atc65 +, writes (26 January 2008):
atc65 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLaura, he has already found another job (2 actually). He is a bartender. He is actually probably making as much money now as he ever was. It was not directly after he lost his job that he felt this way, it was probably 5 or 6 days after that everything suddenly changed, he wanted to be alone and now I know that it was at this time that he had decided to leave.My boyfriend is a very spiritual / enlightened person. He believes that we were meant to find and be with each other. For Christmas he actually did something that was amazingly sweet... He actually went to the Star Council and had 2 stars that are right next to each other named for us. I have the plaque in my room. He says our stars were meant to cross. He has said things like "I couldn't stay away from you for more than a few months". He has said things like "I will not be looking for a relationship, just to find myself" but also will say "What if I find someone who is better for me while we are apart". He has told me that I may not be compatible with him, even if I say he is compatible with me. He mentions only a few minor events to explain why I may not be compatible, but nothing about personality differences.. Although I don't think he would tell me what is wrong with me like that in fear of hurting me even more.The unfortunate thing is that I know the kind of person he is. He is something so special. I know that someone will find him, and I have to be able to allow this and not make him feel bad about it for he will resent me. I do not trust myself -- in better words, I do not trust that I have given him enough to make him realize that I can be the one. In the past month or two, we have talked about how we want to grow old with eachother, get married, have a house, adopt kids. This breakup is going to be a test of whether these feelings are really true, but I am just so scared that in the end, it will only be what I want.I have not talked to him since yesterday. He has stopped picking up most of my calls and stopped returning my text messages. I know that I now have to let go and hope he comes out of this. He does not want to say that us getting back together is one of the goals of this break and I have to accept that. I have to also accept that he does not have the same feelings for me anymore while mine for him are just the same. This is very difficult, my friends. But I'm trying to put one foot in front of the other.
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A
male
reader, Dangly  +, writes (26 January 2008):
move on hun, it will be so hard, i know, but its for the better. My last relationship a couple of months ago, i was in for 2 years, losing her almost killed me, but i got on with life, enjoyed my mates, and found that i am a better AND HAPPIER (told to me by other people) person for it. There is plenty of fish in the sea, its corny but true.
enjoy life, thats all i can say, you only live once, so enjoy every minute you have no matter the situation
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (26 January 2008):
When a man lose a job, he losses his self esteem and confidence.His world becomes shaky and he realized that he is not the same anymore. A man is imbued with the sense that he needs to be the provider.When he cannot do that , his world crumbles.He will have withdrawal symptoms.
It is only a temporary setback. When he finds another job, his confidence will return again.
You can give him some space for him to get focus and he may feel better after a week.His mind is hazy and stressed . Do not worry too much.It is just temporary only. It is like he is unwell mentally and need some rest.When he stabilize, he will come back to you.
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A
female
reader, speedcat +, writes (26 January 2008):
set him free if he returns it was ment to be if not it never was.........your boyfriend is obviously confused and probably scared. Try to be his friend right now and give him time, maybe hell come around. Times like what your going through is hard because you want to be more than friends but cant im sorry for that....but remember you dont want to push him away totally. If to much time goes by and he doesnt come around then,,tell him you cant give him any more time and you need to move on. Stay strong and be positive I always find a good workout makes me feel better gets the blood going and makes you feel more upbeat,good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, nailglitter18 +, writes (25 January 2008):
I hate to say this, I really do... but the more you call him at this point, the more frustrating it will be. I would back off a little, and see what happens. Wait a little while- next time you call him, ask him how he's doing, and don't bring up how much you miss him or love him- just talk about life in general.
Try starting from the beginning. That's what friendship is about. Maybe, if you take that step back, it'll make a difference. Please don't cry... :(
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A
male
reader, atc65 +, writes (25 January 2008):
atc65 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have started to feel better but now I am getting worse. He gets frustrated when I call him. Yesterday he called me to tell me something, and then didn't tell me and said bye. I still want to be best friends like we always have been but he is being insensitive. Ever since he lost his job and these thoughts came into his head he has become a different person. He is shutting the people that care most about him out of his life. I love him and I have never had any bad feelings about him. He is the kind of person that gives love to all the people he knows, he is as warm and caring as they come. He has returned all of the love that I have given him in the past and even more, but now he struggles mightily to be compassionate and conversations end with him being slightly frustrated or me crying. I know that deep down he loves me, it used to be the easiest thing to see. Now it is becoming difficult to see. He told me many times that things have not changed but, again, that is hard to understand.He does not have the money yet to move away for a little while, and he doesn't even know where he's going to go. He says it will be a month or two before he goes but he says he needs to go somewhere to find himself and to be away from the world.We have never spent more than 5 days apart from eachother (and that was only once). He would always say that he is never better without me. Could things come back into focus before he goes and want me back, or do you think that because his mind is set he will not change his mind.Laura, thank you for your response. I need all the supporting words I can get.
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A
female
reader, nailglitter18 +, writes (25 January 2008):
the best you can do right now, is pick yourself up, and start fresh. Hanging out with friends, going to a few parties - it doesn't mean you're ruining the possibility of a future with your beloved. But be realistic- he's lost and confused, which means he's unhappy. If he does still love you, he can't see it right now. While I am tempted to quote a very popular book ("He's just not that into you"), I won't.Just be open- meet friends- talk to them, have fun. Enjoy life. If he comes back, then see what happens. If you meet someone else who wants to have coffee, go to a movie, or something of that ilk, then think about it. Because a date isn't a ring. You're too young to let yourself cry.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 January 2008):
It is hard for a man who has lost his bearings.He will need plenty of time to find it again.He feels that it is unfair to keep you by his side and it could be a waste of your youth.It is unfortunate but if you love him, you need to let him go and find his ownself again.
Reconnect back again to your world and if he comes back then he is the one for you.
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