A
female
age
41-50,
*wirlcake30
writes:I have a boyfriend of 6 months where things have been progressing quite quickly. This morning he called to call off the relationship because he realized 2 days ago that I was wearing an engagement ring from a previous man.Please note that as we started dating that I told him that is where the ring was from. He is now stating that he cannot get over the 6 months of pain that I have inflicted him with and there is too much damage.Is this a normal repsonse to this? Should I let him go or fight for him? We have spoke on numerous ocassions about us getting married. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 January 2013):
 I respect and welcome disagreement, and I concede that I am handling the question with a rough hand that may come off as harsh. However, talking about legal precedent in the matter of handling a financial dispute among ex-partners is about as dramatic as paint drying. heh.
I'm being harsh because I care. Those who are getting hung up on the timing of the breakup and its relationship to when the OP told him about the ring aren't seeing the forest for the trees. Let me explain:
OP told this guy about the ring from nearly the start. At first, when things weren't serious, it didn't cause the boyfriend as much pain. As the months progressed and the relationship took a turn towards discussing the future, marriage, and love, the issue of wearing an ex's engagement ring and *not* taking it off became an issue that built up.
Can you see that her decision NOT to remove the engagement ring of an ex when the discussions turned to marriage could have caused pain to her boyfriend? To her, it was jewelry. To him, it was dealbreaking baggage. The 6-month issue of knowledge isn't an issue here. 6 months ago, they weren't as serious as they were when he broke up with her. There's no "other woman", and I'd be willing to bet there were other things that showed him that she wasn't over this ex.
It's logical that he pulled away to avoid getting hurt because she kept wearing the ring even through talk about *their* future. Jewelry is a tricky thing, unlike any other present a guy can give a girl and vice versa. It's intimate, personal, and very meaningful when a guy gives a girl jewelry. He's saying, in effect, "She's mine". By wearing it, the woman is saying "My heart is his". The boyfriend couldn't get around that the more serious he started feeling about her.
SVC has a good idea in having it remade into something which is NOT an engagement ring. I mulled that one over..it's actually a quite brilliant idea.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2013): I disagree with YouWish, and actually think her response was harsh and over-dramatic.
The OP told the boyfriend about the ring from the start, if he had an issue with it then, he should have said so.
Why suddenly, after 6 months of dating is the ring a problem? It seems he may just be using it as an excuse.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 This still doesn't explain why he says he only realised what the ring represented a few days ago, when you say you told him from the start. I really don't get the sudden turn around, the abrupt dumping over the phone rather than talking about it face to face.
Going back to your original question, I don't think his reaction is normal. It would have been normal for him to talk to you about the ring and how it makes him feel, how you feel about your ex and whether or not you're over him. Not just dump you.
I totally get what You Wish is saying, but I think there's something more to this. OP, I hope you can work out what it is.
In the long run, I like SVCs advise to modify the ring. No reminder of the ex on your hand each and every day, and no discomfort for the men you date.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 January 2013):
I'm being hard on you because of the age you said you are, and I make no apologies for it. You telling all the new guys you date about where this ring comes from? You're totally sabotaging all future relationships that you have, and the fact that you are WEARING the ring as opposed to simply keeping it in your possession as some sort of collateral is demonstrating to me that you are not over your ex at all.
If this ex of yours owed you the kind of money that justifies keeping an expensive engagement ring in your possession when you should be giving it back, your proper course of action should be gathering evidence and filing a civil small claims suit in court, not playing these games and blowing up all of your future relationships with your ex's engagement ring.
The truth, no matter how much you paint it otherwise, is that this ring is your tie to your ex. Sure, you could hate him and I'd believe it, but the truth of the matter is...you're wearing it. You're keeping it until he pays you back. You're keeping him in your life. It's indefinite. This is about your ego. You're keeping a part of your ex and ensuring that he must keep ties with you, financial or otherwise.
Can you not see why this blows up your future relationships? You can't do this. It's really unhealthy. You want to keep him close to you, or you would have filed suit, taken steps to get a court order to garnish his wages or freeze his bank account to be "made whole" financially, all at minimal cost to you. You say you don't have the money to file in court? Hah! Ever hear the term "In Forma Pauperis"? This means that you can prove to the court that you don't have the money for court costs, and they're waived. Usually, we're talking about $50 or so anyways.
Quit playing games with guys, your ex especially. Get him out of your life once and for all, or you will keep blowing up relationships just as you have here. You can't heal without it, and you're emotionally self-mutilating yourself anyways. Why do you think I'm so tough on you??? Because I see this for what it is...and it's not about the ring. It's about your ego.
Go forward, let your ex go, or wither where you stand in the rut you refuse to get out of.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 January 2013):
 Men are funny. My husband when we started dating didn't really care what jewelry I wore. In fact, as I was married (to another man) i was wearing a wedding band.
When we got serious, he decided that I was to wear HIS ring and his ring alone... (I had removed my wedding band by this time as my marriage had ended) I negotiated with him that i wanted to wear my mothers old wedding band on my right hand (not my ring finger as it's too big for that) and he's fine with that but he does not want me to wear other rings (other than my gorgeous wedding band engagement set that we had made out of my mother's old diamonds and gold)
IF he knew all along that it was a right handed ring from a broken engagement and you kept the ring as a form of payment for a debt owed, then yes I think he's met someone else and is using this for an excuse to end the relationship.
Six months is not a long time as adults in a relationship for most folks.
My advice: Based on your follow ups and why you kept the ring I see no problem with you having it.. what I would do is have it REMADE into a right hand ring... melt down the gold and have it recast and set with maybe a few smaller diamonds or other stones and spend a little bit to change it so it's not truly a former engagement ring but rather a ring you love and wear that is totally something of your own.
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A
female
reader, swirlcake30 +, writes (4 January 2013):
swirlcake30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am not fighting the fact if it makes him uncomfortable it should be gone. I have taken it off at the first comment of him feeling offended. I wear it everyday on my right hand but know that the ring isn't worth my relationship. He's emotional about and is relating the hurt to if he cheated on me.
The ring was not given back because of financial obligations that he couldn't afford. I have worn it for the last 3 years. I did think of it as a pretty piece of jewelry that I had basically bought because it was kept as settling a 10k debt to me. I always tell the men I date where its from so not to have this issue. He has been the first to be uncomfortable and I truly understand that but after 6 months?
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A
female
reader, swirlcake30 +, writes (4 January 2013):
swirlcake30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe ring was not given back because of financial obligations that he couldn't afford. I have worn it for the last 3 years. I did think of it as a pretty piece of jewelry that I had basically bought because it was kept as settling a 10k debt to me. I always tell the men I date where its from so not to have this issue. He has been the first to be uncomfortable and I truly understand that but after 6 months?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 January 2013):
 I'm with YouWish 100%.
The ring should have been returned to the ex regardless of why the engagement was called off. It isn't just a piece of jewellery. It's an engagement ring.
Secondly, when you do the wrong thing, you don't try to fix it by OFFERING to do the right thing. You just do it. Don't put that person in a position of having to spell out your social obligations to you. If you spill a drink at a friend's house, you immediately get up to clean it. You don't just sit there and OFFER. Right?
His explanation is plausible. This has been building up for six months and he's finally had enough.
Your best chance of of winning him back lies in 'getting it'. In comprehending why he was put out and owning it. Trying to find some way to blame him shows him you don't get it and it gives him no hope for the future.
I hope it works out. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 From the information in your submittal, I'd conclude that he has gone and found another girl for himself, and is using that "ring thing" as an excuse to dump you.....
Don't worry about him... and get on with you life. There IS another guy out there..... one who really will fall for you and want to spend his life with you.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (4 January 2013):
If I understand this correctly, he knew from the start that the ring was an engagement ring from your ex fiancé. Which does make it odd that he only got offended by it two days ago. Unless it's been building up and he couldn't say anything, then sort of exploded.
What's happened exactly? Did you just start wearing the ring again? Has anything else happened recently that could have made him upset?
I totally agree with other aunts that keeping and wearing the engagement ring is odd and could rightly cause him upset, but if he knew what it was/ where it came from at the start of the relationship and didnt object then, I don't understand this reaction 6 months down the line.
You could talk to him and ask him what you've asked us. Tell him you honestly didn't realise it was an issue since he already knew who the ring was from.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 January 2013):
You really blew it with this guy, and since you're 30-35, you should have known better than to do what you did.
When you broke off of the engagement with a guy, you give him his ring back. An engagement is a ring given in contemplation of marriage and symbolizes an agreement that you are going to marry a guy and live with him. You wearing another man's engagement ring is like walking around with a "yes" on your finger. The fact that you "offered" to sell it means that this ex-fiance didn't pass away and you weren't wearing it as a memorial...the only legitimate reason for wearing an engagement ring outside of an engagement.
You added insult to injury by OFFERING to sell it. Your correct move, outside of giving the engagement ring back to the ex no matter what the reason for the breakup was, was to IMMEDIATELY apologize profusely to your current boyfriend and tell him that he will never ever see that ring again, not on your finger or anywhere else.
You walking around justifying wearing an engagement ring from an ex would be like him keeping a sex tape of him and his ex to masturbate to, and keeping nude pictures as his computer's wallpaper. Do you see what I'm saying now?? If you pointed out your displeasure at his keeping his ex's nude pictures and videos out in public and he tried the "it's just porn" thing and then having the audacity to ask YOU whether you think he should delete them would be a grave insult.
I totally understand why he broke up with you, because he sees this whole engagement ring issue as deplorable, and he is right. It's not just a piece of jewelry any more than his keeping a nude sex video of his ex would be "just porn".
By the way, in a court of law, your ex could sue you for the return of the engagement ring (if he bought it) or the money if you sold it.
"Offer to sell it" is a slap in the face. Go make this right. Get rid of the ring and think of how many different ways you can make it up to this guy in hopes that he'll forgive you for this. Don't even think of entrenching or making this some issue to battle over, or you don't deserve any guy.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 January 2013):
 It strikes me that you have only been dating this man for six months, That really is a very short time to be thinking of getting married. It usually takes at least a year to really get to know one another and see if you are truly compatible enough to consider marriage.
Anyway: you are no longer wearing the ring and have even offered to sell it - but he stil isn't happy.
Give it a little more time and for now back off. Minimize your contact with him and see what happens. Hopefully he'll come3 around, but if he doesn't then unfortunately it may well be that he now wants out......
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A
female
reader, swirlcake30 +, writes (3 January 2013):
swirlcake30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the answers thus far. I am not sure if this is solely about a ring or if he just wants out.
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A
female
reader, swirlcake30 +, writes (3 January 2013):
swirlcake30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have taken the ring off and have offered to sell it once I learned that it was an issue. He stated that since we are in a relationship I should've known it was an issue. The ring is a piece of jewelry; He is the man I want to build a family with.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Why are you still wearing an engagement ring from a previous relationship? To most people this would be a sign that you have not let go and moved on.
"He is now stating that he cannot get over the 6 months of pain that I have inflicted him with and there is too much damage."
I can understand him being upset, however, this statement sounds like he may be just a little over dramatic.
If you're willing to stop wearing the ring, and he's willing to give it another try, then make it happen - otherwise, cut your losses and move on.
Be aware, however, that not too many men will put up with their girlfriend wearing an engagement ring from a previous relationship.
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A
female
reader, Warm-Inspire +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Would you be content with him carrying a picture of his ex around in his wallet?
Perhaps taking it to bed everynight?
Thats what your ring signifys to him, you're carrying an ex around on your finger.
Keep the ring, just don't wear it.
x
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (3 January 2013):
 Depends. Are you willing to stop wearing the ring? If you are then stop wearing it and let him know, if he still refuses a relationship then you will know it was just a stupid excuse.
If you are not willing to stop wearing the ring then leave him alone and move on. Though I expect wearing an old engagement ring from a pervious relationship would bother most men.
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