A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I was seeing this guy for about 3 months. I met him in work and he found me on Facebook to ask me out so he did all the chasing. Things started to get kinda physical a few dates in so I had to tell him I was still a virgin because I just wasn't ready. He respected my decision but also told me that he didn't want anything that serious just some fun so would I rather be friends before it goes any further or see how things go. I said lets play things by ear. So we had a couple more dates and I got as far as taking my top off (bra still on) and I felt comfortable with that. I could tell it was frustrating for him but I thought he understood. Anyway, after that he started becoming a bit distant, taking ages to text back, not talking the same. Little things I noticed. I thought the end was nigh but we had a date last week, nothing happened but he didn't call it off then and kissed me goodbye so I thought things were fine. The next day he texts me saying he wants to be friends and I was crushed. I asked him if it was because of the virgin thing and he said it was part of it. I was super ready which is what hurts the most. He offered to meet up to talk about it but I didn't take him up on it, now I'm thinking if i had would things be different. Should I have tried to change his mind? So that was a week ago and we haven't spoke since now I'm wondering is it too late to ask him to meet up to talk about things? I really liked him and I just feel like things ended wrong, there are some things I just want a bit more clarity on. I don't want to not see him ever again because I thought we got along quite well. Should I text him asking to meet this long after and see if we can give things another shot or should I just try and be friends like he wants?
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female
reader, llifton  +, writes (16 July 2016):
 You could text him and ask him to chat. It couldn't hurt to try to gain some clarity and closure. However, I think what happened was that he was looking for something more casual and to hookup. You aren't that type of girl. So you both are looking for completely different things out of your relationship. He was polite and respected your wishes about not having sex. And you were open and honest in letting him know you weren't looking for that. I think he just realized that you two are on completely separate pages and cut things off.
I don't think he is a bad guy and I don't think you did anything wrong. You two just were not compatible for each other. I think it's good you never slept with him. You've waited this long. You might as well wait for the right guy.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 July 2016):
When I was at uni me and my best friend (both 18) met two guys who were also best friends (both 21) and went on a couple of dates/double dates with them. We both fell for them pretty quickly, but like in your situation, they both began saying they only wanted something casual (learn this now - that's guy code for sex only).
Again like you, we went on another date each with the guys. Mine pushed for sex again and I said no and left. He tried to contact me twice in the 2 weeks after that but when I reiterated that I wasn't up for casual sex he quickly disappeared. I got over that pretty quickly.
The same thing happened with my friend, except when her guy crawled out of the woodwork after her first rejection she went home with him and had sex with him (she wasn't a virgin though). She told me it wasn't a big deal, she just felt like having sex in the moment and if it didn't go anywhere she'd be totally fine and at least they'd have that one night to look back on fondly.
Yet inevitably when he disappeared on her afterwards she was absolutely devastated. I do believe she liked him that much that she convinced herself she would be ok with casual, but when it actually happened she felt used and upset and it took weeks of crying and obsessing for her to get over it.
I know you like this guy OP, and he probably likes you too to a certain degree, just not enough. He's telling you that loud and clear, so please listen to him and move on. Having sex with him won't keep him around - even if the sex is good he'll not stay as he wants to sleep around and he won't want to risk you getting attached either. It certainly won't make him want a relationship with you. If anything he'll actually respect you less for not sticking to your guns. The right guy will have all of the good points this man does, PLUS he'll be happy to wait for you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 July 2016):
 People who want something casual usually mean sex, so you not being ready (perfectly okay!) is not what he's after.
Don't be ready just because you like him; it doesn't mean he'll want more than just casual from you. Chances are, this isn't really what you want and convincing yourself that you're ready (just to have him) will actually hurt you in the long run.
I'd let this one go, OP, and find someone who wants what you want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2016):
 You know, if you are comfortable with friendship only, don't take off your shirt. Not to please him or yourself.
HE has ALREADY told you where you stand, HE was NOT looking for anything serious. What he didn't tell you is that he wants sex and since you aren't ready to "give it up" he doesn't want a serious relationship with YOU (where he has to wait a LONG time for it). So NO you shouldn't have "tried" to change his mind.
He DID the right thing is telling you that he wants only friendship from you, because he doesn't WANT to hurt you or leave you feeling used.
My advice? Tell him you are not interested and that you rather you two stop talking from now on. Then you block, delete, un-friend (whatever you need to do) and you move on.
He wanted to move MUCH faster than you did, so you two were NOT a good match and HE realized that early on. He DID say he understood, but I really don't think he did. Which again... makes him a bad match for you.
You need a guy who can go slow, who isn't JUST looking for some "fun" sex. That might take dating a few guys to find.
STICK to your standards, if a guy wants something you ARE NOT ready to give/share - he isn't for you.
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