A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I was seeing this guy from uni for 4 months and he used to come round mine all the time and it wasn't just for sex. He told me he liked me and I really liked him but it was casual and we both agreed we could see other people.I started to meet this other boy too (did not have sex with them both) just saying haha he went through my phone and found out and then he started to pull in clubs in front of me which got me angry. we both went home for Easter and was texting all the time and he told me he missed me and he liked me and wanted to take me for food when we were back. However, we both got jealous over seeing other people and had a massive argument and called things off.I stupidly got drunk and kissed his best mate and a day later we had a massive argument in the club and got thrown out. I didn't talk to him all summer and we did speak about what happened back at uni in September and said we would be friends. However in February we ended up back at mine (drunk) again but only kissed. We didn't speak after he left mine although he was really sweet in the morning. all his friends tell me he really likes me as a person but again I got stupidly drunk and kissed his best mate again but surely Im single? I haven't spoken to him since then and can't help miss him and think of him. I understand that I shouldn't have gone for his best mate but I was drunk and he got with other people. can someone please give me advice I really don't know what is going on in my head.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 July 2016):
 "... so surely he was jealous too and wanted to be exclusive ?"
That's a naive way to see things.
If he had wanted to be exclusive with you- he would have been ; who was stopping him ? Not you for sure.
Jealous ( make it " territorial " ) he might have been, wanting exclusivity it's another story.
It's more a dog-in-the-manger thing. Jealous dog who won't eat yet won't let other dogs eat.
It does not make a huge lot of sense rationally, but, apparently that's the not-so-secret dream of so many guys in FWB relationships: I am free to screw around whatever I can- YOU are exclusive ; since you said you like me so much...
Plus, not to find him excuses, but tbh to hook up with his best friend wasn't the classiest thing you could do. I mean, it's not as if you fell in love with the best friend and you just could not help yourself, right ? you were looking just for some fun and games to kill some time, dozens of other guys would have done, ... but no, you hook up twice with his bestie, in a not so subtle attempt to needle him and grate on his nerves. Well, you did. You can't expect to tell people " hey, you know, you ain't all that " ( which is basically what you have tried to do ) and then expect that they THANK you for that.
Anyway- that's all water under the bridge. I mean, try to keep things in proportion, this was not some ill fated love story. It lasted all of 4 months !, totally casual, recreational and non - monogamous yet chockfull of drama, arguments and tit-for-tat.
Be GLAD it's over. Now you can start making more mature , sensible , compatible choices- as long as you stop getting drunk at the drop of a hat, and as long as you make up your mind about what you really want , FWBs or relationships.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2016): what’s going on in your head is that you think x should happen and he thinks y should happen and of course life sends you z. You can’t cope -- you go out drinking --- do stupid stunts to impress or wound or one up --- he does the samehis friends saying he likes you as a person means he’s over it if you’re stuck on him then you haven’t learned the lessons life is trying to teach you. Oh and PS when he came around at uni for 4 months? it was for sex. he just tried to dress it up a little to make you sweet. if he really liked you in that way then he would have not kept it casual you were willing to accept the deal he suggested, of course, it’s common, fwb yadda yadda yadda, i like you but i want to keep things casual, uni and studies yadda yadda yadda, sound familiar?don’t get or be drunk in his presence again and this too shall pass
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 July 2016):
 So do you get that CASUAL and OPEN isn't what you want?
**The drama only happened because we were seeing other people.**
No the drama didn't happen because you were seeing other people, but because you were BOTH trying to manipulate each other.
He started to "pull" girls right in front of you... and YOU made out with his best buddy.
I think if you two really deeply cared for each other, neither of you would be so hellbent on hurting each other.
And you can't tell me OP that you didn't know kissing his best friend wouldn't hurt him, after ALL he TOLD you after you did it the first time.
Maybe the both of you should just stay SINGLE and ENJOY being single, not try and have an "exclusive casual" relationship - which by the by really doesn't work. The notion of it being casual means there are NO strings, no rules. Exclusive means there ARE strings AND rules.
You are both young, but you BOTH will repeat your mistakes if you don't learn from.. Case in point? You went and made out with his BEST FRIEND again!!
Take some responsibility for your action and accept that whatever you two got going on... it's NOT working. Or continue this cycle a few more times and get more hurt, and hurt him more...
There are plenty of other decent fellas out there for you, and girls for him. You are stuck on this one, and you ought to figure out why. Pretty sure that will help you realize where you stand.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 July 2016):
 Being jealous, especially for many men, doesn't always mean they want exclusivity.
You can't drink if you'll get drunk and use it as an excuse or "reason". You knew what you were doing and did it anyway, drunk or not.
OP, stop guessing and ask the guy what he wants; you want exclusivity and are kidding yourself if you pretend you're not, just to keep this guy around.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2016): He was the one moaning when I saw other people so surely he was jealous too and wanted to he exclusive?
being drunk isn't an excuse and I had no intentions to make him jealous or hurt this guy, I care about him a lot. It just happened in a moment of madness, he is also a close friend of me which made it difficult.
I was happy being "casual" but the more we told each other how we felt the deeper it got. The drama only happened because we were seeing other people.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 July 2016):
You know, being drunk is not a valid excuse. YOU kissed his best mate on purpose, let's be honest.
You and this guy are/were NOT in a relationship and you had BOTH agreed that you could see others. He saw other girls, you got jealous.. you went for the best mate.... again. It obviously worked the FIRST time you kissed him (making the "guy" jealous) so why not do it again?
IT sounds to me like you DON'T really wanted a casual and open "thing" but you wanted a relationship, HE didn't. YOU settled for this "casual" thing in hopes that it would at least be exclusive and when it wasn't you kissed his best mate to make him jealous.
It doesn't sound like a good or healthy relationship - WAY too much drama, way too many excuses and not enough genuine caring for each other.
Stop drinking if you really think that is why you can't control your actions.
And don't settle for a casual "thing" if you expect exclusivity. This guy and you? OVER. It didn't work, it was petty and not very deep. Let it go, let him go. Time to move on.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (15 July 2016):
Stop getting drunk. There's no point doing it and it just lands you in trouble.
As for this guy, it's a toxic set up, so I think you should stop drinking so much and meet guys who want what you want - though you'll have to figure out what you want first (casual/relationship/etc.)....
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