A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK so I've been with my boyfriend for 9 years and we have 2 kids. I went through a massive depression stage and I completely lost myself. I was drinking heavily. Well I was staying at his family's home in a different city while he stayed at his mom's and worked. I ended up getting really drunk and high and had sex with his cousin. I stopped in the middle of everything. But I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend because I blamed him for the way I felt and the way he treated. But I continued to stay at his family's home. The drinking kept on and I felt like I was someone else. His cousin fell in love with me and I led him on because he was giving me the attention my boyfriend didn't give me. We had sex a few more times but never finished I always stopped him. Then I got back with my boyfriend because he changed and he snapped me back to reality. He was so deeply in love with me so I felt guilty I just had to tell him about his cousin. But when I seen reaction I started lying about things I was so scaredPhil tell him the truth. But for almost a year now he is still on the subject. I have told him the complete truth but since I lied so much in the beginning he does not believe me. He asks for every detail and is very uncomfortable talking about it. I'm ashamed. Now he's giving me a deadline or he will leave me and take my kids and everything away from me. Wants me to prove I'm telling the truth and to fight but I don't know what to do. He has been my only relationship. How do I prove the truth and show him I really love him? How do I fix my relationship?
View related questions:
cousin, drunk, fell in love Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): I read your more recent post, and there is no getting around counseling and rehabilitation.
If you don't get it, you'll continue to allow him to bully you. Depression will return, and drinking will result. You're lying to yourself that he wants to fix things. He doesn't want to fix anything with you. He wants you to turn back time. Undo what you did with his cousin. You can't do that.
I assure you, every-time he is angry; he will bring up your mistakes and threaten to take your children. You'll feel like a slave. Always trying to please an angry master.
The threat of losing your family is a good motivation for rehabilitation. However; if you're the only one getting help, it's almost a waste of time. He needs help too.
Your first post does not describe a man willing to do that, and your second post sounds like you're not convinced you need it yourself. You're trying to wing it alone.
You feel powerless around him; and I don't believe you can fix yourself without professional-help. You don't drink for now; but it's only a matter of time under the conditions you're living.
If he uses taking your children from you to get you to tell the truth, and keep you in-line; both of you have serious problems. He doesn't trust you, and where his children are concerned; it is hard not to blame him.
Once you seek professional counseling, you'll regain your own power; and you'll see things more clearly. Now, you're pretty much at his mercy.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): Your boyfriend may be using the threat of taking your children as a way to psychologically manipulate you.
He will have a hard-time being a single-dad. The financial burden of legal fees is more than he can handle; if he is threatening full custodial care and parental rights. He is also forgetting the emotional damage he will place on his kids separating them from their mother.
I'm sorry if I'm a bit insensitive about the drinking and sexing with his cousin. You weren't too depressed to mess around and place everything you had in jeopardy. It sounds like you're looking for a convenient excuse for your alcoholism. If that is the best you can come up with, you may have reason to take his threat seriously.
I'm sorry for your situation; but he sounds abusive. Nothing you will ever say or do, will pacify his resentment and distrust. It is his objective to emotionally destroy you. He has now become monstrous and angry; and you have placed a lot of power in his hands, when you felt so guilty you confessed everything. When you already had problems in your relationship that you claim caused you to drink.
The only answer is to remove yourself from this psychologically-abusive relationship; and prepare to fight him where your children are involved. He doesn't sound like the type that will seek counseling, and he doesn't care about how you feel. He only wants to punish you, that's it.
There is just some damage you can do to people, that can't be undone. The best you will ever do for yourself is to leave; because it is not in his heart to forgive you. He will be happy once he has crushed you.
So you have to find "yourself" counseling and rehabilitation through organizations available to abused women. There is no excuse for what you've done, but he has no right to destroy you in-front of your children. He himself is sick to have the capacity to be so cruel. He may not be able to prove he is that much better of a parent.
Immediately seeking professional help for your depression and drinking problem now; will improve your chances of keeping your children. In spite of his efforts to take them from you. It could go one-way or the other; but the odds are usually in the mother's favor. Unless he has pretty good evidence and witnesses to prove you are an unfit mother. Until you get rehabilitation, you may be at his mercy. Depression is an illness, and requires medical treatment. Get it...NOW!!!
If you're too foolish not to seek help, this will only get worse. Do it for you and your children.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (8 June 2014):
He can't just take your kids away from you. I agree with the others, the relationship is done, but it is very difficult to prove someone is an unfit mother and if you have cleaned up your act then it will be impossible. You may have to share custody, but please don't worry that he can just take them, because he can't.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (8 June 2014):
This relationship is dead in the water, and that is no more than you deserve. You led his cousin on, who was in love with you, because you wanted attention, showing no regard for his feelings at all. And clearly you didn’t care a jot for your boyfriend’s feelings either, whilst he was working, and you were getting off your head and jumping in to bed with his cousin (I’ve no sympathy for the cousin either, the fact you were willing to cheat regularly should have told him all he needs to know about you).
That might sound harsh but you can’t expect anything else. By the way, who was looking after the kids when you were getting out of your head on drinks and goodness knows what else?
Do the decent thing and speak to your boyfriend, acknowledge that, through your actions, the trust is damaged beyond repair. Explain that taking the children from you altogether is not in their best interests (assuming of course they aren’t around when you’re behaving so foolishly). Have a conversation about shared access, because there’s nothing left to say for your relationship.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am no longer drinking. Yes I can admit to myself that what I did was irresponsible and I would never want my children to do what I did. I'm no longer that person any more. I'm devoted to my kids. I'm completely in love with him. I just lost myself. I'm trying my best to improve myself. He wants this relationship to work just as bad I do. He's done his wrongs but still what I did was really bad. I just don't know to come about fixing this relationship. I'm going to try the counseling hopefully it will help. Thanks for the advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 I really don't think your relationship can be "fixed" because you have damaged it beyond repair. You had problems with your B/f yet you stayed in his family home and had sex with his own cousin just because he gave you the attention that your boyfriend didn't. You got drunk and high and behaved utterly irresponsibly even though you knew that you're have a partner and are a mother to two young children.
Your behavior was despicable and try as you might you cannot change anything. You didn't let your lover "finish"...that doesn't qualify as anything whatsoever. The fact that you even allowed yourself to have sex with someone else while still in a relationship is bad enough; it doesn't matter in the least if the man ejaculated or not.
Don't fool yourself by saying that you love your boyfriend because you don't. Maybe its just best that your children stay with someone more responsible because clearly you are a terrible influence. What have you done about your drinking problem? How have you changed yourself? How have you proven that you can be a good partner and mother? Feeling bad is NOT enough, you have to follow it up with actions.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): I don't blame him for doubting you - a year later is NOTHING after a betrayal like that, but only couples counselling may help you. You can't do it alone. What have you done about your drinking and depression?
...............................
|
