A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:3 weeks ago, I broke things off with my now ex boyfriend. He was my best friend, someone I've known since high school and we stayed together during our last two years of college. He is the first guy I honestly have said "I love you" to, and he said he loved me as well , that I was so beautiful, smart, etc. I was having major issues with him not prioritizing me. There were a few weekends he go see his friends at another college and not tell me in advance. I graduated a semester early and he went to college close to home so I visited every weekend and drove down to see him. If he wanted to be with friends, I always let him, but at times I felt neglected. It was like we never had time to do anything I wanted. Another issue I had was the deadline he put on our relationship. I know this is my fault for even going along with it, but he got a job offer in Boston and he said he wouldn't be able to do long distance and that we could revisit later once we were both established. Who breaks things of like that when things are going well?Finally, I had posted some normal photos of us on facebook from one weekend, and he hid the photos/never approved them to show up on his timeline. I was extremely hurt by this, but he insisted he didn't hide them because he was ashamed. It was very fishy. It all came to a head during his finals week. He lives 10 minutes away from me and not once did he ask if we wanted to get lunch for half and hour or so. He said he was so busy, but come on, we all have finals. What really pissed me off was when he suggested I come over between 10-2 because his parents weren't home then. When I asked him if he would be seeing me at all the next week, he said he "didn't know" cause it was senior week before graduation. I made the decision to break things off a few days later. I was tired of being on edge, wondering when he'd make time for me. He said he was very hurt, and he wanted to meet up to talk things out but this ended up not happening. We made several attempts to meet up but he kept rescheduling last minute so I gave up. Last night, I see he is tagged in a picture with this other girl. I had suspected at some point they may have been talking, but I set that aside. This was a very couple-y photo, one that he would've objected to had it been me and him. After a little snooping, I see that she has a blog post about how he is her new summer romance, how he is so gorgeous, smart, funny, and treats her like gold. I am devastated. There are pictures of them at his graduation and snaps that he sent to her when he was with his friends. That should have been me. I am so upset that he was able to move on so quickly. I confronted him about it. There was no way she just appeared out of thin air, and they must have been talking enough to generate interest before I had ended things. He insists he did not cheat and that he started forming romantic feelings for her only after I dumped him. I don't believe this at all. How could you get that close to someone in the course of a week or so with no prior contact?? Close enough to invite them to your graduation, spend Memorial Day weekend together, and ultimately stay together when he goes off to Boston for his new job?I know I did the right thing by breaking up but I feel so betrayed and angry. He never apologized for anything, only that the picture upset me. He is now dating someone new and clearly thinks is worth doing long distance with. I feel like such a loser. How do I deal with this?? Am I in the wrong?
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): Let me start by saying, when someone is your ex; what they do is no longer any of your/our business.
We all handle a breakup in our own way. He meant a lot to you; but it was your choice to breakup with him, because he did not know how to prioritize you into his life and social activities. Therefore; he did not effectively fulfill your needs in the relationship you "had." Speaking in the past-tense. It is now over. He is now your "EX!"
Snooping into his life opened a can of worms; which only poured salt into your wounds. You snooped, so the pain was self-inflicted. No one twisted your arm, and you didn't have any reason to care. Since you felt the need to remove him from "your" life.
When he met her, doesn't really matter. That is because he has been set free.
He failed to offer you all that you wanted from him. You didn't demand anything that was unreasonable, nor that you didn't deserve. So you made a wise, but tough decision.
Your pain is partially from guilt and regret. Feeling you may have acted too abruptly, or perhaps prematurely. Now you feel maybe you were a fool, and he was cheating on you all along. My dear girl, if he cheated...doesn't that make your decision all the wiser??? Stop beating yourself up.
So forgive yourself, and stop punishing yourself by second-guessing; and dragging your broken-heart through all this.
Once you make a decision to remove someone from your life, that relationship is laid to rest. They no longer have any obligation to be faithful; or be considerate of how we feel about anything they do. He owes you respect as a person, but nothing beyond that.
You're very young; so I'll give you this advice to comfort you, and give you food for thought. We don't come born with this knowledge. It comes through experience over a life-time. So be sure to seek the comfort of your parents. Especially your mum, who knows, and can offer you more of what you need to help you heal. Comfort only a mother's arms can offer. You're hurting. Get her hugs. You need it.
Reconnect with friends and family to fill the love-void.
Push him out of your heart and mind for awhile. You're under repair, and this is how healing starts.
In all fairness to you, he may be rubbing your nose in it for publicizing the pictures as a couple. In vindication, he was trying to show you how quickly he moved on. That places her in the precarious position of being his rebound girlfriend. His "band-aid" over the wound you left on his heart. She may be a "painkiller." One problem with painkillers is, they wear-off. So do rebound girlfriends.
You should take no comfort in his pain or suffering. That makes you less of a person. You should not let this bother you, when you will find someone of your own; and you wouldn't want him to resent what is good for you.
If you love someone; you want no harm to come to them. Even if it didn't work out for the two of you. Right now, your concerns should be selfish. It's all about you and getting on with your life. Finding your way and starting life's journey to your future. He is a found memory, a first-love, but he is also the past.
Worry about you. Forget about him and her. You have to tend to your damaged-emotions and heal your heart. You are grieving and had a major loss. You broke-up with your boyfriend. Don't think for one minute she can heal him so quickly. She has to deal with his residual feelings for you. Wondering when he will get over you. He isn't. That doesn't matter anymore, because you are now a single and independent woman. Not a whining little girl. Pissed that her "ex" found somebody else. So will you.
My dear, I was in your shoes a year ago; but I was the one who got dumped. All that your post says happened to you, is what happened to me. Only I'm the one that got dumped. Go figure!!! I get broadsided, and he dumps me? Tells me I deserve someone better. You betcha I do! But I already knew that. Glad he knows it too.
My ex found someone only two months later. I don't care; because I've met so many wonderful people since. I am moving on with my life. I'm older, so I'm more prepared for such things. Now let me help you. I share all your pain, because I know it first-hand. I'm not talking out of my hat.
It totally sucks!!!!!!!
Don't punish yourself by even giving in to the urge to follow-up on their social media pics and updates. It will be all the more embarrassing for her; when she suddenly fades out of sight. It is possible that he was single when she came along; but he was a recent victim of a breakup. So how emotionally ready and available he is, might be quite unstable at this point. He may be trying to get back at you, by showing you he can replace you. That isn't fair to her or you; but he is the one who will pay the price. She is the one who might be the next victim of heartbreak. Do not envy her position.
Take solace in knowing it was good at the start for you as well. You are free to work on yourself; and adapt what you've learned thus far into future relationships. You are very young, and your life-journey has only just begun.
Your happiness and future are in "your hands." That is not in the hands of other people. You get to determine what you want and need in a relationship. You pursue it until you find it. You were strong enough to end it; when you felt it was not enough. It's supposed to hurt. That is because he meant so much to you. You were smart enough to tell your heart you will not just settle, you will let go and find exactly what you deserve. Even though it hurts so much.
You will not regret the decision you had to make; when someone wonderful, and what you're looking for comes along. Trust me, and yourself on this.
He is your past, and the future is open to you to do whatever you want. To be with someone better; and for you to be a better person from what you've now learned.
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (8 June 2014):
 I forgot to add that you did the right thing by ending it. He should have either left or stayed exclusive. Sadly he took the cowards way out and put you into the position of dumping him, by which time he had already started to move on.
Mark
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (8 June 2014):
Hello,
I understand how you feel, its never nice to be in that situation. You are not a looser! Just a victim of very common cirumstances.
To be honest I think you need to accept that you and your Boyfriend, or rather your ex, are both still very young. You are both maturing, developing, changing, reprioritizing, becoming fully fledged adults and starting to be more realistic about your future plans. Inevitably, couples your age often quickly drift apart as life experience, expectations and situations change so much in the first half of our twenties. We as people can change so much, so fast and that can have an impact on fuirendshps or relationships.
" He was my best friend, someone I've known since high school and we stayed together during our last two years of college. "
You were probably absolutely right for one another at school and college, but neither of you are the same person now. You have left that life behind you and now your situations are changing, along with what you wants from your future, your life and your relationships.
There is often a feeling in couples your age who have only ever had one serious relationship, that one or the other is wanting to explore new avenues, or feeling that they need to gain more experience before settling down or that they are missing out on freedom of young, single adult life. Its not a reflection of how that person feels about their partner as such, more a case of not wanting to spend our entire lives with our first proper partner and not having any other proper, adult relationship to compare it to. When we are young we often get together with our first Love and think we know how we feel, or that we are certain we want to be together always, only to get to a point where we realize maybe we were not as committed or as sure of our feelings as we initially were.
"Another issue I had was the deadline he put on our relationship. I know this is my fault for even going along with it, but he got a job offer in Boston and he said he wouldn't be able to do long distance and that we could revisit later once we were both established. Who breaks things of like that when things are going well?"
You boyfriend is moving to Boston for a job opportunity, maybe that has made him take stock of the situation. Realistically you cannot expect him to give that up, neither will a LDR work unless you are both absolutely committed to it. Sadly it sounds as if your relationship has basically come to a natural conclusion. He is probably using this opportunity to get out their and explore new people, new experiences. Now its time for you to do the same :-) Having a timeline is never good but please understand that if you are young and your life is changing, its always going to be difficult.
Whether he cheated is not something I can confirm nor deny. Only he and she knows the answer to that, but I think you need to move on, accept that this was a young relationship that has reached a natural conclusion and find someone new.
Its always horrid when our first proper relationship comes to an end, but its something most of us go through. Very, very few people spend their entire life with their first love.
Mark
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2014): Honey this is not a nice guy and I am sorry that you are upset. You know as well as I do that this relationship has been going on for a while, before the facebook timeline event, which is why he didn't want the pictures appearing. He has strung you along as it suited him until he was sure that he wanted to make a go of it with the other girl.
There is nothing to be done now. No longer contact him or look at any social media surrounding him. He is really just not worth it at all. He used you and that is really unacceptable. He will be back when this relationship fizzles out (which it will) but please don't take him back. This is the kind of guy who will continue to do this all through his life and have affairs when married.
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A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (8 June 2014):
No you're not in the wrong - I know I'd be feeling just as mad and frustrated as you do now.The fact is you did nothing wrong, you were a nice loving and attentive girlfriend that he chose to take for granted - to avoid you like that and not be honest clearly shows he is not a gentleman. He was clearly making excuses about being too busy, I mean everyone has a little time to chill out and take a break from studying!! I am with you 100% on your belief that he liked this new girl before you broke things off - he probably didn't cheat in a sexual way but the chatting and emotional connection must have started before the break up - maybe why he seemed so distant and uninterested looking back? I know it sucks but you are not a loser by any stretch of the imagination. And you must still be hurting but you did the right thing by ending it - at least you had the control in that respect.Just take some time out to forget the whole situation (harder than it sounds I know) but keep confident, keep your chin up and soon enough you will look back on this and laugh at what a silly jerk he was - you're gunna find a great guy one of these days.
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