A
female
age
36-40,
*luesmoke
writes:Hi. My boyfriend and I have a slightly skewed kind of relationship; in that we can talk and share our secrets quite easily with each other and we both enjoy sex with each other, but that's kind of the only intimacy existing here. I'm 21 and this is my first long-term, do everything, feel so much more for him than anyone previously kind of relationship. I've more only had flirtations in the past and no-one held my interest for more than a few weeks, so I feel like I'm new at a lot of things like being romantic, seducing him and openly expressing desire etc. He's 27 and has been sexually active and in relationships since he was really quite young, so I feel kind of really naive compared to him, like he's expecting more of something from me and I just don't know what to do or say or have any experience of it. For example, we were fooling around the other day and he wanted my to talk dirty and I just completely blanked and mumbled something stupid about how my day went then cringed internally. He always wants me to tell him my dirty fantasies and to be more creative in the bedroom. I mean, I'd love to be more creative too - why not? - but I have no idea what he wants, or what I want for that matter, or what to say or do, so I just end up keeping quite and distracting him with something, but it's obvious he knows I'm avoiding it because he comments about it again the next time. I have no idea what my fantasies are, I guess sex doesn't really come into my thoughts too often during the day, and when it does it's just general hot feelings or the want for a shag or to think some guy on the street's hot but I don't suddenly have some little day dream about what I'd do to him. I wonder maybe if I don't partly because a lot of the time when I think about a nice guy it's more about general intimacy like having fun just swinging in a hammock and drinking silly drinks and being warm and relaxed and happy in his arms. Those are the types of daydreams I have, sensations rather than 'oh god I so want to grope him!' or whatever. But I feel like those are the ones my boyfriend wants. My boyfriend has recently admitted to low self-esteem and hating the way he looks and feeling like something's wrong with him because all his past girlfriend's (seemingly) have 'treated him the same way' which I guess is cheating on him. I have done this once in the past and flirted (only twice drunk and openly) with others, and I've been putting intense effort into restoring some faith into our relationship which has got us to the above situation. I wonder if he wants me to describe some sort of 'god he's soooo hot I just want to tear his clothes off, he makes me weak just looking at him' actions so that he feels desireable or maybe to make him feel as desired as he believes the people me and his ex's have gone off with because he feels they're more attractive than him? I guess?..that's the only thing that makes sense to me. But he's extremely jaded and cynical and because I'm on the weak footing in the relationship right now: he never believes what I say whenever Ii compliment him, he always blows it off or makes a cynical degrading sarcastic comment about what I just said, so it feels like you've just been slapped for telling them something you enjoy about them! I mean, I really like him. I tend to be blunt in how I say things, subtlty is not my forte. He was talking about hating his body and he obviously wanted me to say something, I know from experience that if I just say a sweeping I think he's really nice looking and that girl's are always talking to him that he'll sarcastically dismiss it, so I mentioned two small things that we are both aware of that he does not like about himself,(being pale and (though having naturally good muscles) way too little body fat and not able to put on weight easily) and that I talked about how he could easily change it, then rounded it off with a compliment or two. He didn't immediately snap back so I figured that was more what he was after, some twisted evidence that someone else sees obvious deficiencies. The stupid thing is that I'm really pale and quite small and those are the things that he, among other things I would hope, likes about me! We've even talked about going tanning together for a bit but he ducks out at the last minute holding money up as an excuse. I'm sorry this email is so long, and I can understand that I am bringing up more than one issue here. If you can give any insight or advice on any part of this then I would very much appreciate it. Thank you.
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drunk, flirt, his ex, money, muscle, swinging Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pixeydust  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 If you love him, let him know have a sincere talk with him, look him in the eyes and let him know you mean what you are telling him. Show him the affection that you feel while you are in the bedroom and make him feel that you love him and his body. As for the talk, send me a message and I'll give you a few hints, but you have to give me a few intimate details about the two of you first, so you can't be shy. If you're up for it I am, just send me a message.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007): He seems very insecure, as i am sure we have all felt at some point in our lives. You said other girls have treated him badly, and this might be one of the causes of this. By telling him how he can change himself, you felt like you were giving him a solution, wheras he probably felt like you were agreeing with him. If you genuinely do not find the things he dislikes abt himself a turn off, then you should certinally tell him so. Its always nice to be told you are found attractive!
Also, remember, his insecurity while something you can help with, is not your responsiblity to solve, and trying to do so can lead to codependancy.
As to the first part of your email, describing sexual fantasies can be hard. I, like you, do not have such fantasies, but more daydreams of intimate situations, and being treated affectionately. Perhaps describe how he makes you feel loved. Explain how you feel.
Good comunication is the key to a healthy relationship, but its a tough lesson to learn, and one thats better learned before its too late.
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help  +, writes (22 August 2007):
 guys are just like us girls, even they have low self-esteem, and sometimes just like us they need a comment to boost there esteem. so for example when he says something like he hates his body, just say something nice about and it can be dirty, just say you love rubbing your hands up and down his body, now a common one is he things he is ugly, you can simply say its what inside that counts which it is but sometimes thats not enough, tell him he is sexy and how good he is in bed.
As for the dirty talk, you can be stright with him and tell him you just don'tknow how to talk dirty and ask for him to help you, he will tell you what he wants to do to you. sometimes guys what to know what is your fantasy to see if it can happen, guys like to have fantasys and maybe act them out.
and the tanning thing to a guy he thinks maybe getting a tan to get rid of white areas seems like a good idea at first but when it comes to it he may feel to other guys he may seem gay or weird that he has to get a tan. or there is in low-self steem that he has to stand in his boxers in a room in front of women that might freak him out.
over all try and boost his confidence and tell him the truth im sure he wll love to help you talk dirty. and don't worry i will tell you the truth i find it so hard to talk dirty especially when im not in mood and he is. so don't worry oh and a good way to make him smile is to tell him how good he is in bed. xxx
good luck
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