A
female
age
30-35,
*ellybean48
writes:I'm feeling kind of hopeless in the relationship I'm in. We'e been together nearly 10 months, age gap between us is 15 years. We get a long great, there is so much chemistry. We love each other very much. There is however an issue that we find ourselves arguing over again and again. He is very outgoing and very sociable. Now I can be too after I get to know people. I prefer to be in small group settings instead of around large crowds. His friends are a little more wild than I'm use to. I'm rather conservative, and he tends to use this against me telling me that I am no fun and that i need to learn to relax more and be more sociable. It hurts my feelings and I have expressed this to him. I have been working on this but to no avail do I seem to please him. We spend every Friday, Saturday and half of Sunday together and at least 2 of those days we are doing something with his friends. I would rather just spend time with him since we don't see each other during the week. (we live an hour away) He says he likes hanging with his friends too. We both make a fair amount of compromises when it comes to this (doing things with his friends and then doing things with just us). I just don't know if I could ever be the sociable butterfly he wants me to be. When he says I'm not fun I ask him why he's with me then and maybe go find someone who is fun to be around and his response is always well why can't I just change? I feel like I shouldn't have to change myself and want him to love me the way I am. I am feeling stuck. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 December 2017):
 You both will never last. Off course you should not change, you are who you are! If he likes going out and you don't then that is fine, you are both clear to do that but it just means you both want two different things. If he is not willing to compromise and meet you in the middle then I cannot see this relationship lasting.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 December 2017):
 This man is not for you. I know you don't want to hear this, but I believe you should end this relationship. There is no need to argue further over this. This is an incompatibility issue. You are who you are, he is who he is. Neither is wrong. But people can not change who they are, nor should he try to make you change. He is inexperienced with relationships, which is why he asks this of you. He isn't mature enough to know that this is not how relationships work. I don't care what his age is, his mental age is not that old, and his experience with relationships is lacking, regardless of what age he is. Anyone experienced with relationships KNOW that you can never enter a relationship based on POTENTIAL. You have to take things, and people, as they are, with no hope for any changes. And if they are not what you want, right here and now, and if things aren't good, or you simply are not a good match, then don't pursue it further.
It's that simple. Once you realize that the world is full of people who you WILL love, and that there is no such thing as the "one and only", you will stop trying to force a square piece into a circle hole.
Find the one you match with. You and him don't match. It's that simple. So end it. No hard feelings, and no reason to cry over it. You love each other, great, so end things and stay friends. End things the mature way, on good terms, after simply realizing you were not a good match, instead of dragging it on and on and on and argue and argue until your faces are blue and you have cried too much and it hurts like shit. Just end things before it comes to that.
He is NOT your last and only change at love. There really is no need to force yourself to stay in a relationship that so clearly does not have a happy future. If you want to stay because you are bored and have nothing else to do and enjoy the fights and being told you need to change... fine, stay. But if you want a good relationship, with a man you are compatible with, end this one. And then in your next relationship, when you see obvious personality differences that are not compatible, just end things before they go too far.
A relationship is not just about the heart. It's both heart and head. By that I mean you need to use your brain and logic, and not just go by feelings. If heart and head agree, then it's a good relationship worth the fight. But if heart and head want different things, you need to step away and have a good and hard look at things. What is really in the cards for you and him, and why do you need to endure this fighting over something that will never change? Are you somehow dependent on him? Do you have a kid together? Are you married? If not, then simple end things and move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (13 December 2017):
 You are who you are. He is who he is. Neither of you is necessarily "right" or "wrong". You are just very different and looking for very different things in a partner.
Can you see yourself with this man years down the line, arguing all the time and being told you are "wrong" because you are not like he wants you to be? How long before your confidence takes a complete battering and you start believing his version of you, i.e. that you are "no fun"? That you are not worth any better than this man?
Sweetheart, you ARE worth better. Don't wait for the next argument. Have a talk while you are both calm and alone, and tell him it's never going to work because you cannot be who he wants you to be. Then walk out with your head held high and find someone who loves you are you are.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 December 2017):
 He wants you to change, so that he doesn't have to. Don't put up with it.
I think the age gap is an issue here, but mostly regarding his immaturity. I think he went for you because women his own age find him unbearable and he thought you would change to suit him.
You have to decide what's best for you, but I don't think you'll find anyone here who says this man is where your future lies.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (13 December 2017):
 One of the biggest mistakes people can and do make is expecting their mate to change. It is a really bad way to think, it almost never works and one or both people wind up being disappointed and hurt. Everyone should love their partner for who they are, not who they want them to be, or who they think they CAN be. If a person is wanting you to change (I am not talking about someone being an alcoholic or a drug addict) then the truth is that they aren't happy with you AS YOU ARE.
If I were you I would truly be questioning how far you think your relationship can go. Why do you have to change? Why can't he be happy with you just as you are? You aren't happy with things, and the odds you never will be what he wants because you don't want to be the way he wants you to be!!!
Think this over carefully sweetie. It could cause you much disappointment and hurt down the road trying to be someone you aren't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2017): You shouldn't need to change. Maybe if he stopped making you feel 'less than' you'd be a little more social rather than feeling annoyed that you're being forced into it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2017):
 While I get you like him a lot, THIS is why the two of you won't last.
He says:" why can't you JUST change"... Well, WHY can't he?
He is using manipulation to get what he wants, except... you are NOT the party-girl he WANTS you to be, my guess is you never were.
From what you write I see you trying HARD to please and make compromises, but WHAT does he do in return? He belittles you and calls you no fun. You know why? Because he thinks that by making YOU feel bad about yourself you will "become" what he wants you to be, that is no how it works.
No, you shouldn't HAVE to change yourself because HE wants you to. The only time I think change is a good idea is when the person DOING the change WANT to change.
Change isn't easy. People don't go from being outgoing to super extroverts or from introverts to extroverts. Again, that is just not how it works.
If it was so easy.... why hasn't HE changed?
You are UNIQUELY you. Either that is who he wants to be with... or it's not going to work.
While I think it's great that he keeps his social life alive as well as try and "fit" you in (because that is what he is doing he is FITTING you into HIS life) But if he is 15 years older than you, he should understand that a relationship isn't built on partying with friends every weekend, the college days of frat parties are over. A long time ago.
YOU have to decide if you really think there is a future with this man. A man who doesn't want YOU as you are... but a different version altogether.
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