A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have 2 kids and one on the way. My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs, but were together 2 yrs prior, when we had our first child. Things didn't work then because I had self-esteem issues. After we broke up, he moved on to another relationship and stayed in it until a yr and half later. While we were apart, he kept in touch with me, although sporadically regarding our child but was mostly absent for the first year. We obviously had issues because of this, but I chose to forgive his absence and we became a family. All while we were "becoming a family," his ex gf was pg. I had no idea until she was in the third trimester. So while we were working ourselves out, we also had to work through the fact he had this whole other family on the side. It has been a long road but I've always taken care to remember that this is an emotional situation for all involved, and that there are little lives at stake. I encouraged him to be involved with his other child, but the other woman has proven to not be so understanding and has been very nasty at times. Recently, she sent me messages they shared and while I understand they have a child and some level of care will remain between the two, he had crossed boundaries. He was being flirty and trying to remember "good times " with her, regarding their sex life. While I was hurt, she began to say really ugly things to me and hurt me pretty bad. Our family was nearly broken, but he chose us. However, I'm left very insecure and I've kept my distance. I miss him. I miss falling asleep holding each other, having great sex, sharing laughs and looks throughout the day. I miss our intimacy but since the situation arose, it has become increasingly clear that maybe he isn't all mine. I try my hardest to forget, but all I can think is that he is stuck with her for the rest of his life. Even if we're a family, he always has another family awaiting him. What we have, what I have with him, can easily be taken and replicated with her and their child. I thought we had something special, something OURS, but now our whole family life has been sharpened and I'm not sure if it's because it really has been or I'm letting her pollute my thoughts and happiness.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 December 2017):
 This one is so obvious, it should have smacked you in the head like a bid dead catfish!
WHY would you even give the time of DAY to a guy who ABANDONS A PREGNANT woman??? There is a special kind of hell for a guy who gets a woman pregnant, and then proceeds to run around with exes or other women. That is absolutely heinous and disgusting, and in my opinion is one of the few things WORSE than cheating.
You can never trust this asshole. He left you soon after you gave birth. He left another woman while she was pregnant. He is immature and an absolute flake. Don't have any more kids with him!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2017): So to clarify, as your story is a little confusing1) you were in a 2 yr relationship and had a child2) you broke up for a year and he dated someone else whom he got pregnant3) he got back together with you and later told you the ex gf is pregnant and of course finally he flirted with the ex while back together with you. What do I think? It will be VERY hard to trust him again if he flirted with the ex to that extent while back with you. It wasn't fair to either of you to keep you both stringing along like that. It mostly was not fair to you his PARTNER. I do not know if you will ever be able to repair this. You have to decide though either you forgive him and you have to rebuild intimacy and trust OR you break up and move on, while co-parenting. I am sorry this is such a difficult situation for you. You deserve good things int he future. This is a very emotionally tough time. You will make it through one way or another. You could see for the next few months if you could manage to stay with him, but if not then move on. You too will be able to make memories with someone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): I meant to say:
"If you start now and plan things right, you will prove to him and everyone that you alone can create an environment of stability and love for the children."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2017): You should be concentrating only on the financial-security and welfare of your children. Your personal-relationship with the father of your children has run its course. He has chosen to leave you, but returns only for the sake of his children.
Occasionally, he might crash at your place as an escape from another relationship where he is evading responsibility. Don't be fooled into thinking it is anything about you! If he loved you, he'd be with you and his kids.
Your family is now comprised of you and your children; and includes all your extended family and in-laws. Minus him!
This man has chosen to abandon you and has started yet another family and relationship with another woman.
He has the morals and sensitivities of a stray mongrel dog, randomly humping and spreading his seed; and leaving his offspring scattered about.
All you need from him is that he share time with his kids, and send the child-support checks on-time. Stop engaging yourself with that other female. Stop trying to reconcile a relationship between you and your ex. Your focus now is on the children, and getting your head straight. Your heart is broken; but three little souls are depending on your strength. Let their love compensate for the loss of his!
You need the strength and support of other women. Call your mother, your sisters, your best friends. You need them to comfort and to catch you when you feel yourself falling apart.
If you start now and plan things right, you will prove to him and everyone that you along can create an environment of stability and love for the children. At this point, that should be your goal. Not to get him back. Even if you did, it will be her goal to do the same. The only solution is the King Solomon solution; and that would be to cut him in half!
You have to be strong, and all your energy has to be preserved for taking care of all your sweet little babies. I know this is taking a great emotional-toll on you; but the sooner you come to terms with the finality of any romantic-ties to that traveling sperm-donor, the better off you will be. He's just another poor excuse of a man and a father. It's time to get your head out of the clouds and see that man for whom and what he truly is!
Now you see you no longer have anything special with your ex. All you have left are memories, three-plus mouths to feed, and a lot of drama.
She's not polluting your thoughts, you're too focused on what's going on between his new woman and your ex; and you're too caught-up in your fantasies. About some special love you had with a man who just up and abandoned you pregnant and with two children. It's over between you; and he has yet another two children to financially support.
One thing you're right about. He is duplicating with her the same family-situation he left you in. Children without a father, and two frustrated women who got played.
Setup an appointment with child-support legal-services. You need to sit-down and have a talk with a councelor to help you get yourself grounded and sort things out for the financial-security of your children. He has to pay child-support.
Because you are still in the throws of emotional withdrawal from your attachment to their father; you need someone to initiate the legal process for support and to assert your custody-rights for your kids. Get your legal ducks in a row; so he doesn't get the notion in his head he can comeback sometime in the future to get full-custody.
It's not about you anymore. It's about your children. She isn't going to be your best friend. She's going through the same thing you are with the same useless sperm-donor you had.
Time to get a grip, girlfriend! It's all about getting your life back in order, and taking care of your kids. Better sooner, than later. They're depending on you, and you best prepare to be independent! You're now a single-mother!
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