A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem, my boyfriend and I want to get married, problem is, he wants a huge wedding with everyone he's related to at it and all his friends (he's got loads).I was never really into the whole wedding day idea. I want to get married but thing is I don't have many friends and only less than 10 relatives and I really don't have many people to invite. So what to do? we start to argue about it when we discuss this, also we can't go abroad to get married (as I would like) as his mothers chronically ill and cant fly so it has to be in our home country. It's putting me off arranging a date now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your helpful answers apart from q1605 who needs a little help themselves by the sounds of it.
A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 compromise keep the ceremony small with only immediate relative and few close friends, and the reception with all his family and friends. Is his wedding too and his thoughts should have a say in it.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Compromise. You will have to learn to compromise a lot in your married life so you better start learning now! You need to come up with a solution where both of you give a little up, but also feel comfortable with the plan.
At the end of the day your wedding day is about you as a couple, vowing to spend the rest of your lives together. Not about anyone else, just the two of you. So your wedding needs to be something that you are both happy with and you need to keep in mind at all times the reason you are getting married rather than letting the "day" overcome eveything.
I think you shoudl talk to your boyfriend about how you feel - tell him that you want to marry him because you love him and the vows are what is important to you, not the whole circus that goes with a wedding. But also that you want him to be happy too becauase it is his day as much as it is your day so you both need to be happy with the situation. So ask him how he feels you can get around this problem.
My suggestion is that the ceremony is family only (with maybe a few close friends) and then in the evening when you have a more casual celebration, you can both invite more friends and extended family. The reason you have guests at a wedding is to witness your marriage, to celebrate your love for each other in front of the people who love you. So while it may seem a bit annoying, the idea behind it is a nice one so try and keep positive about it. After all, you are becoming part of his family once you marry him so it is important they are there.
So when you are talking to your boyfriend get him to write a list of his immediate family, the ones that MUST be there. Not any 2nd cousins or children of his aunt's second husband or anything like that. I would suggest to him to try and limit it to mum & dad, grandparents, aunts & uncles, and then first cousins. It is not his fault if he has a big family, that is just the way it goes and you love him so you need to accept all that comes with him, family and all! I have a massive family and I know when I get married they will all have to be there otherwise it will cause massive rifts and arguments so it is easier if they all just come along! I hope that the man I marry will be understanding and wont make a big deal out of having all my family there because it is just something that cant be helped, there would be no way I could tell them "you cant come to my wedding"!
So if he can keep the family down to the immediate relatives, and you invite your immediate family and close friends then it should be ok. You sound a tiny bit jealous that he has all these family and friends to come along - are you just worried what it will look like in Church (or wherever you get married) that his half will be full of people but yours will be empty? This is nothing to be ashamed of or worried about, some people have big families, some have small families - it is no reflection on you as a person and it does not mean that you are not "popular" or something silly like that. Maybe do something un-traditional and dont have the families on seperate sides so it just looks like a full room? Or think of a unique way to get married in this country, maybe outdoors, in a teepee, whilst bungee jumping......there are millions of ways to get married so dont feel restricted by getting married in the same country, I'm sure you can find a way to make you and your boyfriend happy.
So just talk to him, dont say anything like "I Dont want this" - try and be diplomatic and explain your reasons for wanting a small wedding. If you just go straight in with the "I want to get married abroad but your sick mum is ruining all my plans" then of course you will have an argument. So instead just tell him what you are uncomfortable with and why, and then tell him you want to come up with a solution together that will suit both of you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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