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female
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anonymous
writes: I've been seeing my bf for just under a 5 months now, although we have known each other a year. We met online. It started out as just casual fun, meeting for sex once a week. Eventually he told me that he wanted more, when I asked him to explain he said he wanted us to be in a relationship together bf/gf. He didn’t want me sleeping with anyone else which goes without saying in a relationship. He tells me he loves me most days but I seem to be having a problem with only seeing him about 3 times a week and it has to be on a night 12pm onwards and he leaves about 4am in the morning. He claims this is because his mom doesnt know about us yet. When he does come to visit we normally end up having sex. There has only been a few times we haven’t. In the times we haven’t we have had deep and meaningful chats. We've never been out in public together and all this is putting doubts in my mind.He says he has told friends about us, he just dropped that into a casual conversation online. Whenever I try and have a serious conversation with him he seems to avoid it as much as possible. He will either make jokes out of it or gets angry at me saying I’m pestering him. He can be sweet sometimes, then other times he just makes me think our relationship is just about sex. eg a good sweet time he says stuff like we'll move away together and I love you I'll never cheat on you. Then bad times he says I want to f**k you show you how much I care and I can’t I have too much uni work to do.He is 27 and I’m 22, I hope you can help me understand if this is for real or just sex to him. I do love him but I want him to love me back!
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (31 August 2005):
You feel as if this guy is just using you for sex and is only saying he loves you but doesn't mean it. I can really see why you feel this way. As a woman you need to know that your man loves and wants only you, and that your man is proud of you. The only way for sure we can know that is if a man prooves he loves us. Words are cheap! Actions are what really count. Do a self esteem evaluation, I would say yours is really low, this makes you vulnerable. Find out how you can raise your self esteem and DO IT! The problems you are having with this guy will then fade into the backround.
Delila
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2005): I have a hunch that you slready know what is going on in your relationship (given your complaints) but you are having trouble thinking about ending what you feel is an unsatisfactory and hurtful relationship. End it, dear. This a very dysfunctional relationship and you're the giver and your boyfriend is a user and a taker. I think your bf's behaviour is inconsiderate, rude, and uncaring and not a man who loves you. Accepting him just as he is will likely involve tolerating the possibility that he may cheat, lie (and a whole host of other unsavory stuff)and continue to exclude you from contacts with his friends and family. Is that how you deserve to be treated in a relationship? With that lack of regard and respect?
And if your still unsure, I think it makes sense to pay close attention to differences between what your boyfriend says and what he does. Actions do speak louder than words. If those differences disappoint you, don't let wishing that things were different get in the way of reality. Move on and find a man who adores you, cherishes you and wants shout it from the rooftops that "he loves you". Don't get into that habit of wishing this guy will change, because he won't. Substituting wishes for reality gets in the way of leading a fulfilling life and can lead to rude awakenings. Good luck and take care
hugs, Irish
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