A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, my boyfriend of 8 years just asked for a break one week ago. He says he needs time to think about us and just concentrate on work. The request for a break came at a time where everything is ok in our relationship. Some backround on us,In the first 4 years of our relationship my father disapproved of us dating and made things very difficult for us but we continued to date bec we loved each other and didnt want to be apart. My BF was very affected by this because he proposed 2 years ago and my dad still didnt want to accept it. Six months after he proposed my father came around and apologized to me and said he wanted to be apart of my life and would be happy for the two of us when we wed. We had planned to get married after I finished grad school which was 2 months ago.My BF says he is reminded at times about that part in our relationship and it still bothers him that he was not accepted till late in our relationship. I feel that we share a very deep connection with each other. He is the love of my life and this break has been verrrry difficult on me. I feel like half of my heart is missing. Im confused though. He calls me almost everyday since the break and just wants to say hi and talk. He says he is really confused and doesnt know if he can set aside that part in our relationship that affected him tremendously. He says Im everything he wants in a wife but still is confused. Do you think he has cold feet? What should I do or think? Should I just give him space?
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female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (2 February 2011):
I think you could take more of the upper hand here. He hasn't been allowed to feel the reality of possibly losing you because of the continuous contact. What I want to suggest is scary. For him to value you he needs to know that you are not just waiting for him to come back. He needs to feel the small prickle of fear that you can develop your own ideas. This is something I have noticed over time. For some strange reason men need to feel they have to earn something, they enjoy striving for it. If something is an easy win they just don't. Being together for 8 years may be part of it and I am sure what your Dad did didn't help. But now he knows he was won a clear way through he wants time to be certain it is right. Perhaps he feels a bit deflated as the battle is over. Where has the challenge gone? I suggest that you tell him you need time to reflect on your own future as well and ask him not to contact you for a month. At the end of that month tell him you will contact him with what you are thinking and say if you need more time. He will then spend a good few says thinking more of you than himself. Excellent.I think as well as exploring his own needs he could do well to be reminded that you have some of your own. He has hurt you badly and needs to consider that it has damaged you and your faith in him.I promise that if he is worthy he will come through. The way things are there is a much poorer chance of that being the case. I know it takes courage to put yourself first but that is what he needs to see you doing as it will make him value you as a person much more highly.If it does not work out it will be for the best and if it does it will be stronger.
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