A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband has never had a high sex drive, but when we first got together he would always be willing whenever I wanted to, and he always enjoyed it. Now I'm lucky if I can get him to have sex with me any time after 9pm and never just because we want to.He works nights so he starts at 2am as a driver meaning he normally wakes up at 12.30am. He will sleep again through the day when he finishes early morning. He gets between 6-8 hours a day. No longer then I get, but he always complains he is too tried to just have sex whenever and that if I wanted a stud machine I should have married someone else.It's nothing like that though, I feel like he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore. He still watches porn and gets off to it whenever he wants, but he normally can only go once a day so when he does do that, there is no chance that he will want to be with me later that day when I return from work.He always makes comments like I want to please you, but our sex life is so unbelievably boring and nonexistent.We are in our mid twenties and it has been this way so long. What can I do to get him back? He says he wants to have a baby with me but he isn't doing the act you need to do to get pregnant!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Los Cuyosoundzz  +, writes (9 September 2014):
First of all. Before bringing a baby into the mix, you should work through any issues in your relationship because you need a stable marriage as a foundation. Whether you "make a baby" or adopt, children need stable families. Being from a broken home is no fun, and this is coming from a child of divorce.
I'm not saying your marriage is headed for divorce. I'm saying that love has to be cultivated, nurtured and cared for. Like a fragile plant. In all marriages, problems arise and they need to be worked through.
Having a sexual relationship is more than baby making, it's part of cultivating a stronger relationship. Have you thought about seeing a sex therapist or just a marriage counselor? I think it could help you get out of your rut.
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 September 2014):
Janniepeg’s answer is sound here and you would do well to take on board what she has said. You are trying to slot sex in to a daily routine of working, sleeping, and getting stressed about many things. And then sex just becomes another one of those things: you complain you don’t get it, he gets frustrated with the complaining, and it all becomes a nightmare. You aren’t doing anything to create the mood. If it’s become boring and routine, why don’t you agree a time to do something special. Cook a meal, have candles, nice music, that kind of thing. Talk to each other, pay him complements, remind him how it’s nice to do things like this, and how you understand life gets in the way sometimes. Don’t put any pressure on each other, but see how things go. Maybe you won’t fall in to bed and make passionate love straight away, but periodically making time to do something special, and out of the ordinary, will keep the spark, and spontaneity, alive. And when you do have a baby, being able to do that will be even more important. Actually only a small percentage of what makes good sex good, is the physical stuff. It’s about communication, passion, desire and meaning. If you can’t break the cycle of thinking about it as some mechanical operation to make a baby, you’ll carry on feeling bored and unfulfilled, and he’ll probably stick to the pornography.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2014): The simplest answer could be that he is genuinely tired, men aren't complicated enough to come up with excuses and will usually tell you the truth. The worse thing would be having sex knowing your husband isn't enjoying it which would be awful for both involved. The world seems to be full of couples adding babies into relationships just because it seems the right thing to do, in this situation it isn't and you need to speak to him, you made the commitment in getting married so you must communicate before things get out of hand. Good luck
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 It sounds like ther is a possibility that 'pressure to perform' may be part of the problem in addition to the financial presures ya'll are in.You might think about adoption as an alternative to 'masking a baby'. There are so many hundreds of babies out there waiting for someone to make them a family. Just hug each other and talk about that baby in the orphange waiting for you to come pick them up. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 September 2014):
 The quality of sex also reflects the relationship. It seems like the joy had been sucked out since he got a dreadful job. It's all about paying bills now. He might think having a baby can refresh the relationship, make you feel closer as a family but having a night job means that the child care would be mostly you. He has become a distancer while you the pursuer. When you ask for more sex it's not going to make him want more. You have to pull back. You don't need to be having sex every day to make a baby. If you are upset that he's watching porn when he could be having sex with you, understand that porn is less effortful and it takes a short time. It doesn't mean he doesn't desire you anymore. You could be wanting more sex as a prove that the spark is still there, and you are still loveable. Whenever sex becomes a routine, a prove of love, bringing back what it used to be, keeping up with others, prove of virility, then it's no longer the right reason. It should be about love making and connection. Connection is not a guarantee. It can only be cherished when the moment is right and can't be forced. Think not that the sex problem has been so long. Instead, think you've gotten into a rut so long, you stopped appreciating each other and you forgot what it felt like to be in love with him.
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