A
female
age
30-35,
*valoves
writes:I've been with my bf for two and half years. I'm 23 and he is 40. He was married and it ended with a nasty divorce (before we met). I honestly see him as the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with but there is a huge problem. He doesn't want to get married , he has always made it clear he would never marry again but i never really thought about it until now.recently he has been talking about us having a child, He has said from the beginning he wanted to have kids which I was fine with. I want kids to but I want a wedding first I told him I wouldn't be having a baby until he gave me a wedding and he said I was being unreasonable because I knew he didn't want to get married again. Am I wrong for wanted to get married to the man I love. Should, I consider a baby even if he doesn't marry me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2014): Well its maybe sad but true but there is a lot more to being married than a wedding. Having only been married once with someone who also only married once it was a good shared experience. But that was all, it doesn't change your feelings. Its also sad that even in law actually being married doesn't mean much. At best a wedding is a party with friends where you say nice things toveach other. Approach him with this message and if he still doesn't want to do that with you then he is too damaged to commit to anything, least of all bringing children into the world.
Good luck
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 June 2014):
 I would not consider a baby with a man who was not willing to marry me.
should you? that's up to you but since you have always wanted to do it in the right order.. marriage then babies, I think you need to stand your ground.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 No man, no matter how sweet, no matter how much you love him, no mater how great he is, is worth giving up your hopes and dreams for. No man.
He's not the one for you. Its hard to face, and painful to hear, but he's not the one for you. You need to face that.. It's hard to believe, but you will find someone else. We humans are perfectly capable of loving more than one human, your own boyfriend is proof of that. He once loved a woman so much he married her, thinking he'd be with her until he died.. Yes here he is with you, loving you as well, wanting to have a family with you.
The same will happen with you, you will love this man, but then than love will fade (I promise) and you will love someone else just the same, or more.
You will heal and you heart will find tons of more love for someone else. Next time, try to be more up front from the beginning about what you want as your end goal of the relationship: marriage and children. These things need to be clear from the get-go, no point in having relationships with men who you know don't want the same thing.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2014):
 I agree with Cerberus.
YOU don't want to have children without a marriage (which is quite understandable) HE doesn't want to have a marriage, but wants kids.
So the two of you are NOT on the same page at all.
Maybe, he really isn't for you?
I have to say though I find it ridiculous to refuse any future marriages because he went through ONE bad one. So what? How many people out there have not had a bad relationship and STILL dating someone new at some point in time? OR... REMARRIED?
However, he is ENTITLED to his views, and SO are you.
So... in short, if you WANT marriage, he isn't your guy.
Stick to your guns.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): You're not wrong for wanting to get married, but you are wrong for assuming he'd change his mind or continuing on with a guy who told you he'll never do it again.
He made this clear from the start it wasn't going happen, so it's unfair of you to kick up a stink about it now.
You went into this knowing the deal, why did you pretend to accept that when you knew you wouldn't?
Whether you consider a baby or not is up to you. But I wouldn't until you decide whether you can be with a guy who will never marry you. Decide how important marriage is to you first, OP, because having his kid will not change his mind either.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 June 2014):
 Copngratulations for having the sequence correct:
1. Get, or be, married,
2. THEN (and only then), have children...
If HE doesn't "buy" in to your sequence (which is the preferred one),... then you have to let him go....
Your alternative is to compromise YOURSELF... and that isn't a great thing to do...
Good luck..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): I think you should discuss this and you may realize that you are just not compatible for the long term. It's good to think about all of these things before getting too attached to someone. I would not have a baby with him, it wouldn't be a good idea. I also feel he is too old for you. He is nearly 20 years older than you, you're still very young and you need someone who won't be in their 60's when you're in your 40's and your children are in college and getting married. You're not wrong for wanting whatever you want so stick to it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 No you are not wrong for wanting to get married to the man you love. Marriage is not " mandatory " as it was, but it is still for millions of people something meaningful and desirable and important. So, how can you be wrong for wanting something that for you is meaningful ,desirable and important to happen.
The problem is, that you want it from the wrong man. It seems you have reached an impasse and tbh I don't know if and how you will overcome it or find a compromise. If you aòways believed in making a " regular " family for yourself... and if he always said from the very beginning he was never going to be married....it just sounds like you are badly matched since you want two inconciliable things.
Should you have a baby with him without being married ? hell no.
But not for the reasons you may think. . Yes, of course I am a product of my times and culture, so I can't help thinking that people should be married if they want to make kids together. But , I can also see that a LOT nowadays have and raise kids without being married... and the sun still shines, it's still cold in the winter and hot in the summer, the week has still 7 days.. all is business as usual, no epocal , or even social, catastrophe has been caused by the increase of out of wedlock births.
You should say heck no- because you don't WANT to have a child if you are not married. It's not something you think would be right or beneficial for you or the baby. It's something you'd do just to make HIM happy, to give him what he wants . To appease him and keep him around maybe ?
Well of course when you have a partner you have to compromise on some stuff. Habits, schedules, at what time we eat, where do we go in vacation, how long and how often can our parents visit, stuff like that.
But a baby is not such a minor detail, it's something that could ( that WILL ! ) change for ever your present and your future,OP, you should be allowed to determine under which circumstances and status it is being brought into this world.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 Marriage is a declaration by two people that they want to spend the rest of their lives together.
Marriage, apart from the ceremony in front of the priest with the big white dress and all the family, is also a legal contract, and while the stigma of 'bastards' seems to have disappeared over the past 3 or so decades marriage also legitimises any children the couple may have.
My son also had some weird sort of view regards not wanting marriage, but wanting children. I told him if his girlfriend was good enough to root (not a nice term I know) and good enough to have his babies then she should be good enough to marry.
The ceremony was a rather nice affair, on a farm followed by a barbeque in front of around 100 family and friends.
As far as I can see, if you are good enough for your boyfriend to screw (still not a nice term) and good enough to have his babies, then by hell or high water you are also good enough to marry first.
Don't have a baby without marriage, and if you are wanting babies in the future, seriously consider if that is a deal breaker or not, if you want babies AFTER a marriage, and your current boyfriend isn't willing to come to the party, then it might be time to look for a new boyfriend, one who respects you and holds the same values with regards to family and children.
Good luck!
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