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female
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anonymous
writes: i'm in a dilemma with my boyfriend - he rarely talks about our future and what it holds for us regarding marriage. I dream of getting married and having children and settling down. I know he wants children but i'm not so sure about marriage. When we first met he made sly remarks and basicaly spelt out he hated the idea, then he told me in as many words it was his decision to make as being the man he should be the one to propose and as its meant to be a suprise we cant discuss it...!!! I know your probably thinking omg you stupid cow thats not a dilemma...but its really doing my head in. I like to be organised and plan every minute of every day and getting married costs money so i just feel I need to set myself a timescale..if u know what i mean. I just feel marriage is THE way to show your partner how committed you are, now my man decided to spring on me that he wants to start trying for a baby with no mention of getting wed, and he knows how i feel and i have always wanted to be married before children, though i do really want to start a family too! I dont know what to do about the whole situation. please help xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): please dont do it, i am in a situation very similar, my partner wants to have kids even though he knows i want to get engaged, first the response i got was he cant afford it cause he has some debit to pay off, fair enough but how the hell does he expect to affford a baby!!!!! look obviously you love him but like my partner he been sooo selfish men like that dont change. you have a baby, then what he will always be linked to you without having to marry you, he gets what he wants witout having to fully commit so if things go belly up he can walk away, and men will always find a partner before a single mother will.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006): Unless you two are rock stars or hollywood celebs with endless supplies of money and resources and a staff waiting on you hand and foot, then I don't think you have any business planning a family without marriage.
Marriage provides legal responsibilities as well as protection and security for your future children and for you, so to have babies out of wedlock is not great for anyone concerned....also, kids cost money and lots of it, and unless you want to be a single parent on purpose do not even entertain the thought of having a baby with this man.
Honestly, he sounds really weird and selfish and narcissistic...sounds like he wants to just reproduce himself through you, but is not thinking about your future at all...from what you write I don't know what you see in him or why you are waitng for that marriage proposal.
I am not suggesting you give him an ultimatum as those never work in a relationship, but I suggest you leave him with the understanding that you understand if he can not offer you marriage and a life, but that you deserve this from him and if he cannot give it to you that it is time for you to move on, wish him well and kiss him goodbye.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2006): You two have quite different ways of looking at the world and life in general, are you sure you are made for each other. If you want to get married first, then do that. Sit down and talk to him and point out just how important your feelings are about all of this. Don't be bullied into his wants and ways!!! He wants a child, well it sounds to me all about what HE WANTS. If he does propose it has to be on his terms and when and where, er come on, you have a say in this matter too. Let him know that there will be no babies until there are some good solid foundation to build a family on. If marriage is what you want before babies then let him know and don't back down. Remember, it's you who will be having them, not him!!!
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Nikita  +, writes (6 December 2006):
 Dear Anon,
You really need to talk with your partner about this because having a baby is a huge step and commitement and if he's not prepared to get married and its something you really want then you need to tell him how you feel again. I would put off having a baby until you know that he wants to marry you at some point. If he doesn't want to reach a compromise then you have to ask yourself if he's the man for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, DearDolly +, writes (6 December 2006):
 Untill your sure that you and your partner are fully committed to your relationship i wouldn't suggest bringing a child into the world just yet.
Getting married before starting your own family is the more sensible idea. Explain this to your boyfriend and i'm sure you will both come to some agreement.
Good luck
Dolly.
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (6 December 2006):
 Everyone has their views about marriage. I am in the same boat as you really but on the opposite level. My partner wants us to get married and i guess i am just happy with the way we are right now, staying together, but i guess becos of the love i feel for him i decided it will be best to see things his ways.
Communication is the key here. My partner and i talked about it all the time. It doesnt have to be an argument. Tell him how u feel. You shouldnt spell out the marriage word for him but u could just say "kids and marriage go hand in hand to you" which is simply what u mean? right? Dont make it seem that u are asking him to propose. Make him feel u are happy the way things are now but if there is to be kids for you then marriage should equally be considered.
If u have tried to convince him and he doesnt see it your way then u have two options. You can do what i did and compromise(if u love and trust him), or move on to find someone who u would share the same views and plans with.
Goodluck dear.
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