A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of ten months recently told me he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship. He has a health condition that seriously impacts his life and will always. he is 10 years older than I am and also says he has baggage from past marriage and long term relationships. He says it's nothing I have done or said. I am confused. His last words to me were that he wanted some time apart, he hoped that he will feel refreshed to give to me and to us and that he'd stay in touch. it's been two weeks and he hasn't called me. I don't want to call him. What is going on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2008): You're worth more than that. You don't need a man dictating your life. If he never gets in touch, it'll be too soon.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Hi again Sister, it sounds like you know exactly what I'm dealing with. Sorry you went through something similar. I feel so disposable after all the support I gave him. It's just not fair. I would never treat someone the way he treated me so I'm having a hard time with it.If he does happen to call me I really don't know what to say to him. he told me he doesn't want to hurt me but his treatment of me has definitely done that. it's just all very disturbing to me.Thank you for understanding.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Hi Daniel and Sister, the truth is hard to hear because I really didn't think he would end things like this, so cowardly. He is a very candid person that's why I can't understand why he didn't just come clean with me.I really believed him when he told me he would always be up front with me. It's very disrespectful and hurtful. I deserve better.He's almost 50 so you'd think he'd be more mature.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 March 2008):
 Dear poster, I'll be damned if I can't relate to your update. Yes, you gave him many options to speak his mind, and he always said he would tell you if something were the matter. You would have behaved just right if you had been spoken with the truth. But you weren't given the truth.
Dumping someone is often hard for the dumper, too. The dumper knows s/he is breaking a heart. So the dumper avoids telling it like it is, and instead hopes that the dumped will take the hints. And hints are never explicit; they can be taken to mean something different, specially by a broken hearted person who just can't stand to think s/he is being dumped.
Poster, just move on. The sooner, the better. I'm sure you'll find someone else pretty soon.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Thanks everyone for your responses. I think what confuses me in part is that I gave him more than one opportunity to say he wanted the relationship to end and he told me he would tell me if that is what he wanted. He told me he would always be up front with me and would tell the truth. Part of me thinks he'll be in touch when the month is up.I don't know how i should respond. He told me he is very scared of being hurt because that is his experience. I'm scared too but I'm taking the risk. I told him he's worth it. He told me he doesn't want to hurt me, but he is by not contacting me.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 March 2008):
I agree with the Sis, for the most part. I believe that he just thinks you two don't make a good couple. Like he said, it's nothing you have said or done.
He used this vague language because he thought that would soften the blow of the break-up. Again, the real result is that things get a hell of a hell of a hell of a lot more complicated and painful for the person who is being left.
To me, your confusion comes from the fact that you don't know whether you should take his words to mean what they literally mean or not. When he asked for one month, you took that verbatim, and you were willing to wait a month. He said he would be in contact, and you took that to mean exactly that. Now, after two weeks without any contact, you're not sure what he meant. And, frankly, no one in love would, because you're starting to notice that his words don't exactly match what he intends to do.
Like the Sister said, grieve, cry, whatever, but move on. That's best for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008): I believe he made a mature choice and knows himself very well. This is something he has to deal with alone (but maybe with the help of a therapist) and don't need you in. Emotional baggage and incurable illnesses are things that cause enormous stress in a person and impaire our their general well being. I know because I have both too. People keep asking me when am I going to get married, but the truth is I can't get married, even if I want to because of an ailment and emotional baggage. I can't tell people so they think I'm just a weird woman. I have healed a great deal of my emotional baggage by going to church and focusing on myself and my blessings. It's something like 'The Greatest love of all' song. I'm sorry abut your boyfriend but I think is better for you to leave him alone. He needs time and it's certainly a lot more than a month. I'm not saying you should wait for him but you should understand it has nothing to do with you. Being in a relationship now will only make his condition worse. He knows he can't provide you with a healthy relationship. He knows it will only screw both of you up. He knows he doesn't feel himself when he is in a relationship and that that's not normal. That's the first step for healing, understanding that you have a problem.
Your boyfriend feels as if no matter what he does and/or the person he is with past demons are frightening him and all his relationships turn out the same. He knows is because the way he evaluates the relationship and not the relationship itself. That unhealthy pattern of thoughts originated with his parents and throughout all his life and certainly doesn't 'cure' from one day to the other, or from one month to the other.
Therapy and personal efforts (forgiveness, optimistic attitude, trust, etc.) are much needed, so I think there's not much for you to do but wait or forget.
I don't think waiting a little bit more and calling him in the future will be so terrible. But don't pressure him. I can almost assure you this doesn't have to do with you as a woman so don't hold grudges against him.
If I were you I'd look for books on emotional baggage just to understand him a little more. It will also help yourself to understand you are not being rejected but protected from all the psychological problems this relationship could bring you.
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