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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,I have low self esteem. My boyfriend senses this so he feels that things are super "safe" with me because I will never leave him. So sometimes he enjoys driving me up the wall and rarely apologizes anymore. Most days he's sweet but sometimes I over-worry and exacerbate the situation because I'm simply not getting anything from him, if you know what I mean. I am on my toes and frankly tired of it. I want to know, what can I do to sort of "shock" him? Take him out of the comfort zone and show him I refuse to be a doormat. The few times I show him who's boss, his attitude really changes with me. But then goes back. Here are some things I should probably stop doing:-Apologizing for standing my ground when I KNOW I'm right but getting discouraged because he gets mad at me, etc etc. -being really sensitive to his jokes and criticisms -caring about what he thinks of my wardrobe, my hair, dressing for HIM, not myself, etc. It will be a very hard transition but I NEED to do it because I feel like I need to put my foot down or he will walk all over me. Please help out!Btw: I work part time and find ways to distract myself but I want him to RESPECT me.
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female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 please please please get why men love bitches and why men marry bitches.
they show u how NOT to be a doormat.
do everything on ur list too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): OP you don't shock someone to change, that only happens in movies behaviour will always revert back to type once the "shock" dissipates.
What you need to do is change *your* behaviour. You see he's perfectly capable of respecting you, he's shown that he will when you stand up for yourself but you don't keep that up. You did it once and he changes for a little while but then it goes back to the way things were because you stop demanding that from him.
You need to change your attitude here. Why would he respect a doormat and a person who won't stand up for herself. Nobody respects people like that OP.
If you want anyone else to respect you then you must respect yourself first. You must respect yourself enough to know that this kind of treatment is not on and you need to get rid of this notion you have that you will never leave him. He has to know and truly believe that's a possibility because it is OP, there are definitely things he could do and situations in which you would leave him and you would have no trouble finding someone else. Once you figure this out for yourself, you will have a position of strength because knowing there is life after this relationship and a life just as good if not better is a very secure standpoint. Because at the moment you need him more than he needs you and he's using this against you to get away with an awful amount of bullshit.
OP he knows he has power and dominance over you because you put him above even yourself, that's too much power to give to anyone and you need to start viewing yourself as the most important person in your life. You live and die based on what he thinks because you think so little of yourself. Time to change all that, you have to ignore him as an element of your self esteem. He may be important to you OP but your opinion of yourself has to come first and you have to find ways of improving that.
You say you work part time, then you have time to improve your physical fitness, so go start exercising as a hobby, start looking into other ways to improve yourself, your body your mind, give yourself some focus and goals to attain once you start focusing your energies on yourself, once you start seeing improvements to you and in your life you will gain confidence. Start today, think of some aspects about yourself you'd like to change. Start with physical aspects, things that are easily changed, these will be a good place to start. You see you're far too dependent on him for everything once you start living a life for you then that dependence will fade and he'll start working to keep you in his life, the same kind of work he did to get you in the first place. Once he sees you're starting to change, once he sees you're gaining some independence then he'll want to make sure he doesn't lose you to that so he'll step up to the plate.
With all kinds of change he will be resistant. He may go against this and try and tell you that you don't need it, you're perfect the way you are etc. But don't back down from this OP, do it regardless and accept nothing less than support from him. If he tries to put down any of these improvements you make then you cut him down immediately, no argument, no fight just tell him to support you or mind his own business.
Most importantly though OP just do it. Do it now, start today. Go for a long fast walk and make that the first step. Don't plan on doing something, just think of it and start it. Pretty soon you'll start feeling the results and you'll gain some pride in yourself, you may even gain a kind of independence outside this relationship that you might want more of. He will have no choice but to respect that and you.
You can't tell someone to respect you, you have to earn it. You can't "shock" someone into respect either. All you need to do is have self respect and put yourself in a position in life where you truly feel you're no better nor worse than anyone else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011): OP you don't shock someone to change, that only happens in movies behaviour will always revert back to type once the "shock" dissipates.
What you need to do is change your behaviour. You see he's perfectly capable of respecting you, he's shown that he will when you stand up for yourself but you don't keep that up. You did it once and he changes for a little while but then it goes back to the way things were because you stop demanding that from him.
You need to change your attitude here. Why would he respect a doormat and a person who won't stand up for herself. Nobody respects people like that OP.
If you want anyone else to respect you then you must respect yourself first. You must respect yourself enough to know that this kind of treatment is not on and you need to get rid of this notion you have that you will never leave him. He has to know and truly believe that's a possibility because it is OP, there are definitely things he could do and situations in which you would leave him and you would have no trouble finding someone else. Once you figure this out for yourself, you will have a position of strength because knowing there is life after this relationship and a life just as good if not better is a very secure standpoint.
OP he knows he has power and dominance over you because you put him above even yourself, that's too much power to give to anyone and you need to start viewing yourself as the most important person in your life. You live and die based on what he thinks because you think so little of yourself. Time to change all that, you have to ignore him as an element of your self esteem. He may be important to you OP but your opinion of yourself has to come first and you have to find ways of improving that.
You say you work part time, then you have time to improve your physical fitness, so go start exercising as a hobby, start looking into other ways to improve yourself, your body your mind, give yourself some focus and goals to attain once you start focusing your energies on yourself, once you start seeing improvements to you and in your life you will gain confidence. Start today, think of some aspects about yourself you'd like to change. Start with physical aspects, things that are easily changed, these will be a good place to start. You see you're far too dependent on him for everything once you start living a life for you then that dependence will fade and he'll start working to keep you in his life. Once he sees you're starting to change, once he sees you're gaining some independence then he'll want to make sure he doesn't lose you to that so he'll step up to the plate.
With all kinds of change he will be resistant. He may go against this and try and tell you that you don't need it, you're perfect the way you are etc. But don't back down from this OP, do it regardless and accept nothing less than support from him. If he tries to put down any of these improvements you make then you cut him down immediately, no argument, no fight just tell him to support you or mind his own business.
Most importantly though OP just do it. Do it now, start today. Go for a long fast walk and make that the first step. Don't plan on doing something, just think of it and start it. Pretty soon you'll start feeling the results and you'll gain some pride in yourself, you may even gain a kind of independence outside this relationship that you might want more of. He will have no choice but to respect that.
...............................
A
female
reader, catcher00 +, writes (11 April 2011):
It sounds like you already know what you need to do. Just stick to it. If, after time, he isn't adhering to the rules of conduct you've set for the relationship, decide which is more important to you: him or yourself.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (11 April 2011):
 You tell him straight, respect me or i walk! Men resepct powerful women, especially women who can stand up for themselves.
Yes it'll be tough, but why should you dress for HIM all the time?? There's nothing wrong with slobbing out in your scruffiest clothes every so often!! It's good that you like to look nice for him, but make damn sure you get a compliment.
Start respecting yourself hun, and others will respect you too :)
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