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female
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*myz
writes: Hi,i have been with my bf for about 8 months and we were really serious and he's all introduced to the family and said to my momma he wants to marry me and he loves me but i have a prob. I dont know if i just love him or if i am in love with him. It's hard to tell since we have gone through quite alot, u see he is kinda verbally abusive. So how do i know if i love him or i am in love? I know he loves me.....i dunno if he's in love with me anymore or what but i know he cares for me and loves me alot. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 January 2006):
 Even if this guy wasn't proving he's a waste of your time by hurting you with words, it's plain that you're not ready to get married, simply because you're not sure.
Marriage is supposed to be something rock-solid that you do because it's absolutely right and you're thoroughly convinced you'll be with that person until you die. Sadly, people often rush into it -- that would be unsure young women who've been dating abusive guys for only 8 months -- thinking that simply repeating the phrase "I will" is going to solve all their problems.
If you're not sure, DON'T. A survivor of an abusive marriage of 7 years, I've come to believe that getting married to someone should be much harder than it is, and that getting divorced should be much easier. Unfortunately, it's very easy to get married. It's also ridiculously easy to get pregnant to a man who doesn't care about you, except to control you.
Take a step back. It sounds like you're being overwhelmed by the attention and feel like you're being pushing into making a decision on this. You don't have to make a choice, yes or no. Just say, "I don't know yet".
Give yourself time to think. If you don't feel confident that you want to be 53 years old one day (and you *will* be 53 years old one day) and waking up next to this man, then you're not ready to marry him. When you're sure that you do, and when you're looking forward to it, *that's* a good time to talk marriage.
Be strong, dear, and take care of your own needs first.
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male
reader, Zabadack +, writes (7 January 2006):
Lol.. I love this "in love" "i love" thing... like there's a difference really. if you're not sure then don't marry them. if you love someone you just love them, there are no seperate little definitions.
Marriage is something that should last forever. Too many people get married nowadays without thinking in the long term, if you have serious doubts now then tell him, if he loves you maybe he'll sort himself out and stop being verbally abusive.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): You want to marry a man who possesses a good heart, a warm, caring personality, a steadfastness, is loyal and reliable; but most of all, has an honorable character. If this man is verbally abusing you, he failing the grade here, bigtime. His abusive behaviour this should be a huge neon red flag, hun. He's a loser, dear and take what you know about his treatment of you and see where you will be 10-20 years down the road with this guy. Your instincts and feelings are telling you to 'beware' so listen to them.
Walk away and don't look back, hun. You will feel sad for awhile but down the road, you will know you did the right thing. Remember to please always value yourself..never, ever tolerate this type of bad behaviour in a man. Take care, dear
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female
reader, Legendless +, writes (6 January 2006):
After 8 months, I would believe that you would know for sure if you were in love or not. If you are doubting it, then I would say that you are not in love with him, or at least not deeply enough in love to marry this man.
Besides that, you do not want to marry a man who is verbally abusive to you, especially this early in a relationship. As other posters have said, it will only get worse from here. And do not take his verbal abuses to heart, just brush them off of yourself. This is very important. The things he says to you are not true, and it is a flaw in his character that makes him act this way towards you - some kind of insecurity that he has that makes him put down others to feel better about himself.
One more thing: why would somebody verbally hurt someone they truly love and want to marry? As hard as it may be, it sounds like you need to ditch this guy, and find one that will tell you he sees the world in your eyes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): God wants you to be happy all the time. Don't settle for sometimes. If he abuses you in anyway it will probably get worse with time and the more you allow the more he'll do. How does he treat his mom? that sometimes is a clue to how he will treat you. If you have kids don't stay because they will learn to treat you with no respect too. You need to stick up for yourself and don't allow anyone to abuse or use you.
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female
reader, shania  +, writes (6 January 2006):
 listen honey,you have only been with him 8 months,you should still be in the honeymoon period but instead he has started to verbally abuse you already.If you are already questioning your feelings for him and you are in great doubt then i think you should hold off this impending marriage.He sounds to me like he has the makings of a control freak,now im not saying that you should finish with him but i think you should take this relationship nice and slow.See once your married thats it,theres no turning back and you have got to ask yourself,do you want to be in a abusive relationship,why does he say those nasty things to you? Does he like hurting you that way? Doesnt sound like good husband material to me.Take a step back,in the next 6 months or so you might see him in a different light,he might shape himself up and realise that you are not going to take any nonsense from him,take charge my dear and dont take 2nd best,if he is still the same after that period then i will be asking you on why are you still with him?
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female
reader, vivi +, writes (6 January 2006):
baby girl verbal mental or physical its still abuse dont stay with him you deserve better than that. dont ever let anyone treat you like anything less than royalty because a real man will do just that. an introduction to the family is just that. and him saying he wants to marry you doesnt mean much if he's not treating you the way you know you're supposed to be being treated.
girl do yourself a favor and dump him before he hurts you more. words hurt just as much as being physically abused.
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